So, the past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. The entire month has been a challenge to stay positive when I really don't want to, but especially the last two weeks.
Let me start by clarifying my last post. Jason. Jason and I have known each other for 7 1/2 years. We met our junior year in high school and lasted through the start of sophomore year in college. We ended up at the same college, Hamline University, which I think may have been a mistake, but this isn't about that. I look back at him and I and there is just so much. I can't think of a non-relative who I have been through more with, including my best friend of 12 years, Taylor. And it seems like after all the joys, all the good and the bad times, that things should just fall into place between him and I. In my mind, and in his, we make sense.
It was October 2002 when we broke up the first time. We didn't date for a while, but we remained friends. There was a brief time in 2004 where we were together, but I lived in Arizona and he was still in MN so it didn't work out. When I moved home from AZ we both agreed that we would take things slow, get to know each other again and form the relationship we thought we could have. Again, it didn't work out; I wasn't ready and I was emotionally drained from my time in AZ (it was a bad time). And that brings me to now, the last 5 months where we have been together again.
Thinking of how to describe the past 5 months is a feat. To put it simply its been difficult. I don't understand how two people who want to be together so much can find it this hard to sustain a stable relationship. Are we too immature? Are we misleading each other with high expectations, expectations that aren't mentioned and only lead to disappointments? Are we not talking about the right things, or only talking about all the wrong things? What?? I don't know. I just know its very odd, especially when I can remember a time with him when we could talk for hours about anything. When there were no walls preventing the conversation from developing.
After this drunken kiss between him and a co-worker of ours on St. Patty's Day I was terrified. Terrified of what it meant, terrified that we couldn't talk about it, terrified of going into work when I was displeased of my job before this new situation aroused. I was also enraged. I was so mad that at a time where him and I are supposed to be giving our all to become stable he would let a stupid mistake like that happen. I was mad that it took him 5 days to be able to explain it to me, but once he did that anger melted away.
Then came last Friday. We were going to watch a movie at my place after work but my sister booted us out for some alone time with her future fiancee, Nick. Needing to kill two hours but not wanting to drive out to his place (I had to be home on Sat.), I suggested we go to Taylor's house for drinks and a movie with her and her fiancee, Tony. (Man, everyone is getting married!) But, he didn't want to for many reasons (he was tired, his eyes were dry and itchy, he didn't want to be overly social with people he didn't know, yada-yada-yada) and our Saturday evening was to be shared with them too. So, reluctantly I said call off our Friday plans and I'd see him Saturday. After two, two and a half hours maybe, with Taylor and Tony I decided that spending the night with Jason, even just cuddling, was what I wanted. So I trekked over to his place, got there at 1AM when, lo-and-behold, he wasn't there. Of course my thoughts jumped to the worst case scenario, that he was with her, who we can call Jo-Joe (because that makes me smile and isn't her name). I tried to be reasonable and thought he was just at the bar and would be home with in an hour, 90 minutes tops (bars close at 2). I wait, I wait, I doze off, wake up at 3:50AM, still no Jason. Clearly he is not at the bar anymore. By then I was pissed, just seething at the petty excuses he gave to ditch me and go out with someone else. When he did arrive home it was not a good time for either of us. I have a lot of anger towards Jo-Joe now too, which saddens me because I actually liked her before this. I thought I would be most pissed at him, but that isn't proving to be the case. And all through the weekend until last night I was just furious, at everyone and everything. But I finally figured out why.
I am hurt, plain and simple. I am hurt that it feels like he chose this girl over me and my friends (who are getting married in June and I am in the wedding party, I'd like for him to get to know them a little before then), that he stayed out all night with her, that they kissed, or she kissed him or what ever happened but that it happened none the less. That he talks to her so much more than me, that he can't tell me why. I am hurt that I thought she was a budding friend when now it is obvious to me that isn't true. I am hurt at being hurt, again. My hurt is fueling my anger and anger isn't helping.
I am telling myself that being angry all the time is not okay, but feeling hurt for a little while is acceptable.
Lately I also have worried that I always take the easy road out of any situation. I never thought that would be me but I look at the last 4 years and it seems to be true. I don't respect people who take the easy road in life, so I decided that I can't continue to do that anymore. The easiest thing to do right now would be to quit my job and leave Jason for good. But I can't do that, I can't afford to quit my job with out having another lined up, and I know that in a few weeks, or if nothing else at Taylor and Tony's wedding, I would miss him with all my being. And that's the truth, I don't want to leave him. I just don't want to hurt (emotionally) anymore. I think only time will fix that.
That being said, how has all of this affected my diabetes? Well, I also noticed the impactof this on my diabetes last night. I haven't been testing, I haven't been attentive to the alarms on my pump (so that I completely ran out of insulin in the reservoir last night and had to do manual injections through the night because I used my extra supplies the other week and didn't replenish my pump stock in the car, and I was away from home, again) and then I even managed to loose my meter completely yesterday! Its still MIA...thank God for back-up meters!
So, yea, I know. Baaaad Amber for not testing, not changing out the reservoir before it was completely empty, for loosing my meter and only discovering it really was MIA this morning when I got to work, for all the things I let get to me and let my focus from diabetes slip, baaaad...
How do people do it? How do you have an emotional month and still stay on top of diabetes? How do even continue to want to care for it when, damn-it, everything just blows?
sigh, well, at least the babies make me smile, and make the day brighter. My Darlin' nephews!! Devin and Levi, in that order.