Teetering on the brink

I started a blog to be able to help myself get back into writing. But I think I may have realized why that in it self is a problem. I don't like my words. I don't like the thoughts in my head, I don't enjoy my emotions.

The shit has hit the fan with Jason and I. Its a long story. Jason has been my on again, off again, boyfriend. We had initially started dating in high school and the first year of college, but I messed up and we ended things. By messed up I mean I cheated on him. I know that is terrible. I understood my actions and I did not expect forgiveness from him. After a while he did forgive me though, somehow. I don't understand how or why, he hasn't ever really explained it. Well now, after 4 years from our first break up, the tables are turned. He only kissed some other chick (who I happen to sit two cubicles away from). But its shredded our relationship. Its shredded me. I have wanted to quit my job, walk out of my job, drive off a bridge or into on-going traffic, stop my pump, move to Africa, anything to get away from him and her.

But if I want to get away then why is it I looked at my phone every hour last night to see if he had called? Why is it I was grasping it on my drive home, waiting for it to ring. I just went to bed after I got home, knowing that the damn phone wasn't going to ring. Knowing that if I called him it would only turn into another stupid fight.

I am so tired. So tired of feeling so alone and lost in this fucking world. I know there are other people with diabetes and there are other people with depression, and there are other people who have relationship issues, and so many worse things that I haven't had to endure. For what I haven't had to endure I thank God for saving me from that agony. For what I have, I ask for guidance on getting through, because I don't know how to do this alone.

1 comment:

Penny said...

If you're asking God for guidance, then you know you are never alone.

I'm so sorry about you and your boyfriend. (((big hug)))