Okay, a little background information. I am not the greatest person when it comes to changing out my infusion sets EVERY three days. I don't go through a reservoir every three days, not even close. More like every five days, some times six. This morning when I woke up it was five and a half days on my current reservoir and infusion set. And that's just how it goes. Usually by day 5 I am getting the "low reservoir" alert and the effectiveness of the insulin isn't all that great but it still works.

Well this morning I woke up in complete body aches. I didn't know for sure what this was from because I had a strength training workout on Sunday and am still a little sore from it. So I drag myself out of bed and immediately reach for my thyroid medication and a cup of coffee. In typical bad Bamses habit I gather my books and head out the door to get to class. I can't be late for class, the professor yells when people come in late.

Once I get to class 10 minutes early, I test and discover what I was fearing - 321. Uggg. Groaning I program it into my bolus wizard giving myself 1.5 units more knowing that I was on older insulin and what usually would work may not be enough now. There that's done with and I wait to feel better. Class starts and I keep waiting. Its a 75 minute lecture, I figure by the end I should feel a little better, right?

As lecture goes on my aches get worse and I get a severe headache. I feel nauseous, dizzy and as though there is metal running through my blood vessels instead of blood and aluminum in my mouth (does any one else get a weird metal taste in their mouth when their sugar is high??). 45 minutes into lecture I test again, the insulin should have brought me down by now and if not then something is wrong. Sure enough - 324. Why didn't the insulin work? I sigh and bolus 5 more units against the recommendation of the bolus wizard. Clearly my old insulin isn't as effective as it was 5 days ago.

Lecture ends and I head home knowing that I may have to take a shot of insulin and change my infusion set. I get home, positive I was going to throw up my morning coffee and knowing I needed to test again. Five seconds later - 370. WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Furious, I rip out the infusion set and find this -
Kinked? Kinked? After 5 days, nearly 6 days and my site gets kinked? HUH??

I have no idea how it happened. I do know that I kept getting snagged in my pump cord last night and maybe in that sleepy-tangle I pulled it out a little, or enough to then make the cannula kink after returning to my side.

Now back at a nice 84 blood sugar that sluggish, full body ache is gone and my circulation feels normal, as does the taste in my mouth. Thank god.

I am trying out a new site location and hope that it won't cause so much tangle in my sleep. Usually I use my thighs but I was inspired to try a new site after this morning's kinking issues. Here goes!


Baad Bamses

I have been dating my current beau, Jason, for the past 20 months and, while there have been some terrible moments at the beginning, lately things have been really good. There is a lot of history between Jason and I. We dated in high school and for our first year in college (that I didn't finish) and on and off since until, well 20 months ago. Now is the time that I think we are for real, now is when I think things are meant to be and we are both putting in equal effort to finally be in a relationship that matters more than movie and dinner.

Its very neat for me to be able to say that he is someone I have known since I was seventeen and has been there for everything since, even when I couldn't be there for my self and didn't know how much his presence mattered to me. It took a lot to get there though. This didnt' just happen overnight one day where things just started working between us, oh no. It happened when I opened my eyes and realized that maybe I didn't have to keep all my thoughts to myself and that maybe telling him whats in my head, as crazy as it may be, would bring us closer. Silly huh, realizing that communication brings people closer?

I know it sounds silly and almost high school-ish. It was really hard for me to trust him though. Not just him but people in general I just don't like sharing parts of myself with. I have tried that before and always got burned, as recently as two years ago. I think that was why trusting Jason was so hard at first. Because I didn't want to show my emotions and deepest concerns and have to experience the pain that comes when a person later takes that information and uses it against you. In past relationships and friendships when there is an argument it always seems that people go right to my weaknesses that they only knew because I shared it with them.

After enough hurt I learned that sometimes its better to not share than to share and have it held against me later.

I had to break that thinking in order to get where I am now with Jason. I had to. I still have to. I know I shouldn't go around telling everyone my past mistakes and my current fears, but finally I think I have found that person who I can share that with and not worry that it will be held against me later.

Sometimes I picture what he will say before I tell him something. Like last night when I had a hard day at work and burst into tears on my lunch. I knew I needed to talk to someone who would help remove me from my sadness. I didn't honestly know if he would do that. He doesn't quite know what I do and how things work. I am still figuring those things too! But I called him, told him what happened and why I was upset and he did what he always does, talked me off my emotional ledge. Calmed me down.

After work I went back to my place, not his apartment and tried to settle down for sleep. I thought about the day and how things went and what I should/should not have done. I thought that there were more things I should tell Jason, about how I have been feeling lately with school and diabetes.

One thing I should have told him just 5 minutes ago when we spoke on the phone is how I hadn't tested all day yesterday. In fact I hadn't tested until I absolutely had to because the words in the book I was reading before bed became wavy and unfocused. When I stood up I felt like I was walking through water and momentairly thought I should call my sister who was asleep upstairs to get her help, but I didn't. Instead I tripped my way to the stash of candy left over from the pinata at my nephew's 2nd birthday and grabbed some tootsie rolls. While chewing two I searched for my glucometer and went to test only to discover that I had run out of strips and forgot to replace them. The vial of strips were still outside in my car instead of in my case. Panicking, I decided that I would just treat the low and let it be. But it just didn't seem right, so I used an old meter that uses the same test strips as the new medtronic glucometer that works with their pump (One Touch Ultra Smart, which I haven't used in about two and a half years).

Side note: right now most of my meters are at Jason's apartment as that is where I spend most of my time. I had gotten a bunch of One Touch test strips delivered from Medtronic in July but the meter was not with me as I was still using their old BD meter (with the overly large vials).

Testing on the old meter with the new strips while still chewing the the tootsie rolls I got a low number I haven't seen in a long time. 37. It could have been wrong so I checked the expiration of the strips and that the codes matched. They weren't expired and the codes matched. I went upstairs and had some juice. And some graham crackers with peanut butter (a favorite snack of mine). And some potatoe salad.

I over-corrected. A lot. I knew I over corrected. I think I did so not only from the low but also from the bad work day. By the time I had that low I hadn't eaten for over 12 hours and was absolutely starving.

Here's the kicker. I haven't tested all day today either. I can feel this diabetes funk happening. This life funk happening and I don't know how to help it. I am sticking to my working out idea thankfully, and while my energy has had a boost the past few days my motivation hasn't. Its as though my physical symptoms have become emotional ones too now. I need to find a way to help those too.

Talking to Jason will help. Before I can start with him I need to start with my self and ask some questions and give honest answers. But I can just hear what he will say. He has this habit of calling me Bams or Bamses (a weird twist on Amber). I find it helps me to know he isn't being serious. When I take this diabetes funk to him tonight I can hear "Baad Bamses!" and then a serious question following, "How can I help?"

I am trying to figure that out myself.


Tried and Tired

I have been very tired lately. I knew I had a thyroid issue from my endo last year but never felt the effects of it until now. Last year I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and prescribed medication to treat it which I never took. After spending nearly all of August dead tired I decided that maybe I should start taking the medication and see if it would help with the constant fatigue. Which it did, for a little while. Even now, after taking it for nearly three weeks, I am still very tired a lot of the time. My muscles ache and waking up seems to be the most difficult thing of the day, not to mention falling asleep is at times equally as hard.

There have been too many changes lately to know what exactly is adding to this tired feeling. Is it a more physical job? Working later than I have worked in the last 2.5 years? Starting a yoga class and a full college course load? Trying to exercise more? Not getting enough fruits and veggies or protein? Is is the blood sugar swings that I have been having for the last 5 weeks? Sigh, see what I mean, there are a lot of reasons I could be tired.

And I am nearly too tired to try and figure out which one it is. I am guessing, really, really guessing that it is the change in schedule and routine. I am only working part time on the weekends. During the week I have classes but there is a lot of down time that I have during the day and I am nearly beside my self with what to do. I know I should be studying or cleaning or organizing but a lot of the time I am surfing the Internet or reading a magazine or wandering on campus aimlessly. Not very productive tasks in other words.

So, this is the proposal I have to myself to deal with the tiredness. Apply to join a leadership institute and a nursing club that meet regularly during the week. That way I have a set task to do that will give me a break in studying and also help improve my leadership skills and understanding of the nursing program. I am going to try to make it to the gym Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday as those days I do not have yoga and three of the four days I do not work. I hear exercise is a cure for always being tired. So here goes.

I always say I am going to blog more, but who knows about that...my trend isn't that good with blogging. Which is very funny to me. I used to write all the time and now its like pulling teeth to get my thoughts out. It has something to do with feelings of incompetence, being extremely self conscious and not wanting to be overly negative. I find that I am a naturally pessimistic person when it comes to personal matters, and I don't think that people want to always read negative reports.

There is a hand out that I was given to help with those thoughts titled "The 7 Pillars of Mindfulness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Has anyone heard of it before? Well the pillars are basically principals that you use during meditation to help with stress reduction (in a nut-shell). I thought just for fun I would see if anyone else has heard of them. What did you think?

I will try to post them here shortly (right now the handout is buried somewhere...). That's all I have for now. Adieu.