I am looking forward to it because its free entertainment that makes me think about my life and my dreams and what matters to me. I don’t have to buy it or rent it to watch it, and can watch it in full peace and quiet knowing I am pretty much the only one I know who likes it (who can stay up that “late”). Did I mention its free entertainment?
The truth of the matter is that it’s something to look forward to that doesn’t consume money, or gas, or require food or insulin. With the moods I’ve been in lately, anything to look forward to that is reliable (and hey, TNT has their programming reputation to maintain, the show will air) I latch on to, sink my teeth in and swallow the small flood of momentary happiness I find in the bite, what ever the bait may be.
It’s sad for me to say that. That one of the things I am really looking forward to in a long while is a frickin’ TV show. I was gung-ho about getting a new book, but financial struggles are preventing that. I am realizing that the library will soon become my new best friend to replenish my need for new books. But, a book isn’t much better, is it? Shouldn’t I be looking forward to starting a new day, going to work, seeing my nephews, seeing my friends and Jason? But I don’t. Instead, I dread the first two things and often my friends don’t motivate me enough to bring about the joy of seeing them, instead I think, “Would I need to spend money with them?” or, “How far do I need to drive to meet them? Will I be okay on gas money pending the added travel?” or, “God, I wish for once I don’t have to miss the boys and Krystle, maybe they can come visit me?”. Only rarely do they visit, who wants to spend time with two 6 month old twin boys who you aren’t related to? Rarely do we not spend money either. Of course Devin and Levi always make me smile, but at the end of the day I still feel a little empty. I wonder if I will ever become stable enough to have one of my own someday. It makes me think something is terribly wrong with me…
Do people have to work at happiness? Does it come as easily as breathing for some, while for others feels like a silly fairy tale only found in books and movies? I wonder this a lot during the day, especially while at work. I wonder if my diabetes is part of the reason I am so unhappy. I wonder how many “to-do” lists must I make to attain the happiness I so long for, how much time would it take to complete one list and carry on with another, would completing a list even help? I ask myself, “Don’t I have enough lists with diabetes, work, Jason, bills, loans, the town home, my car, the twins, Taylor’s wedding, church, and my health?” and I can say yes. I do have a lot of to-do lists. They don’t go away. But these lists aren’t the ones making me happy.
Every year I say that I will make the list that will start me on the path towards my happiness. I do make that list too. But rarely is an item completed. An abbreviated version would be one like this.
Amber’s List to finding happiness:
* Finish my degree in an area that I can build a career with that I am passionate about
* Start volunteering with Camp Needlepoint, the Bridge for Runaway Youth, the Humane Society, or a hospital
* Write more
* Read more
* Start learning to swing dance
* Sing more
* Spend more time with family
* Have a stronger relationship with Jason (to help us through those though days)
* Find Hermione
The only thing that can’t be accomplished on this list is the last, finding Hermione. She is my cat, my baby girl, and she got out last September. We haven’t heard anything from the neighborhood and she wasn’t turned in to a shelter or vet because her chip hasn’t been scanned. But I digress…
So, the point? Do more on the list Amber. That little voice in my head whispers softly through my tears, “I know you can do it.”
I know too. I miss you baby girl. Hope you're safe.
Next Tuesday I will be watching Sex and the City. It will be a cheap form of much needed amusement. And as far as other motivational issues, for now, I am taking a deep breath, and resigning to more consistent workouts, more glucose tests, and perhaps a second job to help with the most depressing thing, money.