A Negative Day

Today, I hate everything about diabetes. I hate the way it makes me sleep in when my blood sugar is high, I hate the way I am a little crabby the rest of the day from a high blood sugar. I hate that in order to feel as though I have any control over my life I have to use that damned glucometer multiple times a day to answer the ever changing question of how is my diabetes now?

I hate the way I am attached to a damn device 24/7. I hate that the cord on my pump is just a few inches too short for me to be able to navigate comfortably in my shower with out having a little tug at my stomach to warn me I'm at the end of my leash. Yes, I know I don't have to wear it in the shower, but I found that when ever I take my pump off for showering my sugars skyrocket an hour later. That happens even when I am exercising and I suspend the pump, an hour later its through the roof, whats with that?!? I learned that I really cant leave the pump on during my work out but Sarah's blog on starting it again before the end of a workout is a good idea that I also tried, but only once, and that time it was still high just not as high, only the low 200's. WTF?!?!

I hate that it seems like diabetes is the only thing I can somewhat "master" and it isn't what I want to master! I want to go back to school, but I've learned that in order for me to be in school diabetes needs to be in control, good control, and I need to be ready to handle the extra stress of caring for it, working, and taking classes.

I hate that I feel powerless by this damn disease. I hate that it feels like no one in my circle of friends and family understands.

Sigh, breathe deeply.

I just don't like it today. I don't. It makes me want to not test my blood sugar all weekend, as long as I can go with out testing provided I feel "okay". It makes me want to cry and stop talking, to just shut down. That's what I hate.

Sorry this is negative, I just had to get it out.


Scott K. Johnson said...

Living with diabetes can really sap us of our energy. It just takes so much work to manage, and it is so interwoven into every aspect of our lives.

You're certainly not alone in feeling this way.

I find that when I'm feeling burned out by it, I don't try to fight it too much. Just go along with it and feel the emotions. They are an important part of what we go through.

Those emotions will pass, and you will experience different feelings.

We are amazing in how we find a way to manage our condition and be successful in other aspects of our lives too.

Minnesota Nice said...

WOW rah rah rah!!!!
Another Minnesotan.
Welcome. Onc of the first reasons I started blogging was because I had read Scott's blog and felt a "geographical kinship" to him.

And, it didn't take long for me to feel close to a lot of other people in the OC. It is one of the best tools I have for helping me cope emotionally.

Anonymous said...

i think we all have days when we hate diabetes. does us good to rant and moan about it.

Jenny said...

You can master your diabetes? Congratulations! I am still trying! You are right, diabetes is detestable. Thank God there is more to life than diabetes otherwise we would have to rant everyday!