Today, I hate everything about diabetes. I hate the way it makes me sleep in when my blood sugar is high, I hate the way I am a little crabby the rest of the day from a high blood sugar. I hate that in order to feel as though I have any control over my life I have to use that damned glucometer multiple times a day to answer the ever changing question of how is my diabetes now?
I hate the way I am attached to a damn device 24/7. I hate that the cord on my pump is just a few inches too short for me to be able to navigate comfortably in my shower with out having a little tug at my stomach to warn me I'm at the end of my leash. Yes, I know I don't have to wear it in the shower, but I found that when ever I take my pump off for showering my sugars skyrocket an hour later. That happens even when I am exercising and I suspend the pump, an hour later its through the roof, whats with that?!? I learned that I really cant leave the pump on during my work out but Sarah's blog on starting it again before the end of a workout is a good idea that I also tried, but only once, and that time it was still high just not as high, only the low 200's. WTF?!?!
I hate that it seems like diabetes is the only thing I can somewhat "master" and it isn't what I want to master! I want to go back to school, but I've learned that in order for me to be in school diabetes needs to be in control, good control, and I need to be ready to handle the extra stress of caring for it, working, and taking classes.
I hate that I feel powerless by this damn disease. I hate that it feels like no one in my circle of friends and family understands.
Sigh, breathe deeply.
I just don't like it today. I don't. It makes me want to not test my blood sugar all weekend, as long as I can go with out testing provided I feel "okay". It makes me want to cry and stop talking, to just shut down. That's what I hate.
Sorry this is negative, I just had to get it out.