My second vlog. Trying to be quick so I can start my weekly errands! Enjoy!
5.18.2009
5.07.2009
Hello Again Vlog
I decided to run with the webcam in Jason's new computer. So here is my first Vlog attempt. YaY!
4.25.2009
Not so terrifying
4.24.2009
Terrified
I have an endo appointment later today and just got done uploading my pump to the CareLink site. I like to use the reports that can be generated there, they do an awesome job of showing trends, especially with the sensor. So, after uploading my devices and reviewing my reports I was very disappointed to see that my average glucose is floating between 170 and 190 for the last 2 to 12 weeks. More than disappointed. Terrified. And pissed. With all the lows I have been having the past 3 months you'd think that I would at least have kept my average the same as it was before - 150ish. But no.
Later today is when I will have the blood drawn for the A1c and I will get the result during my appointment. I am trying not to tell myself it will be terrible, but I have a feeling it will be. According to this online calculator (that I got from Kerri's page, thanks!) my A1c will be between 7.6 and 8.2. Ughh. Not what I wanted. Not what I hoped for.
And I just don't get it. I don't get what I am doing wrong. I know there are things I can do better, but I didn't realize that in not doing those things better I would bump my A1c up so easily in the course of 3 months. Uggg. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Or maybe that's the creamer in my coffee kicking in and churning my stomach. I don't know.
A part of me feels like the increased average is due to my harder attempt at working out. Because when I work out I HAVE to raise my blood sugar to at least 180 so I don't drop low during the workout. Sometimes I have raised it too high and finished a workout with my glucose in the 190s. But that only happened a few times, usually I am right at 100 or less post workout. And....
And I just don't GET IT! How am I supposed to work out but keep my blood sugar from dropping? And don't say to suspend the pump because I learned quickly that this only leads to extreme highs 2 hours post work out. Reducing my basal rates before/during exercise does something similar only I don't spike quite as high.
(If you can't tell this is the pissed side coming out)
So, here I am stuck. Not sure how to do this diabetes and workout thing right. And probably with a worse off A1c because of it. Damn.
Later today is when I will have the blood drawn for the A1c and I will get the result during my appointment. I am trying not to tell myself it will be terrible, but I have a feeling it will be. According to this online calculator (that I got from Kerri's page, thanks!) my A1c will be between 7.6 and 8.2. Ughh. Not what I wanted. Not what I hoped for.
And I just don't get it. I don't get what I am doing wrong. I know there are things I can do better, but I didn't realize that in not doing those things better I would bump my A1c up so easily in the course of 3 months. Uggg. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Or maybe that's the creamer in my coffee kicking in and churning my stomach. I don't know.
A part of me feels like the increased average is due to my harder attempt at working out. Because when I work out I HAVE to raise my blood sugar to at least 180 so I don't drop low during the workout. Sometimes I have raised it too high and finished a workout with my glucose in the 190s. But that only happened a few times, usually I am right at 100 or less post workout. And....
And I just don't GET IT! How am I supposed to work out but keep my blood sugar from dropping? And don't say to suspend the pump because I learned quickly that this only leads to extreme highs 2 hours post work out. Reducing my basal rates before/during exercise does something similar only I don't spike quite as high.
(If you can't tell this is the pissed side coming out)
So, here I am stuck. Not sure how to do this diabetes and workout thing right. And probably with a worse off A1c because of it. Damn.
3.28.2009
I couldn't resist!!
It called to me from the moment I saw it on the shelf.
Even though I have other meters (plus a silver mini that isn't pictured):
But when I went to the pharmacy last night and saw it was on sale for only $15 I had to have it...
A PURPLE Ultra Mini!
Isn't it adorable?!?!
There is something about having these meters in a variety of colors that brings me a strange sense of diabetes bliss that I can't even begin to explain. I would have a Ultra Mini in every color if I could find a way to justify it. For now, I will settle for my silver, pink and new purple and pray that there isn't a new color introduced later on that I also won't be able to resist...
Is anyone else in love with the One Touch Ultra Mini and its color selection?
3.10.2009
Unloading
I am having a really hard time with depression right now. Its sort of eating away at my will to do anything. Also at my relationships. And my diabetes care, naturally. I feel like there is no one I can reach out to. I feel like there is no one who understands. I feel like I can't relate to anyone because I feel so damned isolated with these feelings.
I tried to talk to Jason, my boyfriend, about it the other day. Which didn't get anywhere. He tries to get me to expand on the depressive thoughts, as if they are some sort of rational thought that can be logically explained away. But they aren't.
And even though I can see the logical way that I should be thinking, I don't. Or I can't right now. I can't get those healthy thoughts in and the unhealthy ones out. Which makes me sound a little crazy I realize. But that is what depression is like for me - a constant stream of negative thoughts, about my self and what I do and what I need to do better, that doesn't stop, or let down, or give up. Thoughts that consume every part of my being and make seeing a solution to my problems impossible.
The other day I tried to email my doctor about why I haven't sent him an updated log book, despite the blood sugar issues I have been having. It went something like this:
Hi Dr. B. I know I haven't emailed you a new log book in a while. I tried to create a more detailed one for you, which meant keeping track of everything I ate and the time I ate it and the carbs. Because I don't carry a log book with me I started putting what I ate into my phone as a note. After only 36 hours I had 15 notes saved of what I ate, down to a few M&M's at 3:00am while at work. Which is when I got overwhelmed. Thinking of matching up what I ate with the blood sugars I took on my two meters and the insulin I gave with my pump. Using 4 devices to track my diabetes and then having to compile all the information on each device into time slots of pre/post meals, just defeated my whole attempt at logging before it even started. So, I wanted you to know that right now, doing all of that, just is proving to be more difficult than I can handle.
Then I stopped. Deleted the email. Because the defeated/overwhelmed with diabetes care isn't something I want to unload onto my endo. Though I think they should know about it, I don't feel like its my place to tell them. Another one of those irrational thoughts. Don't tell the people who help with diabetes whats going on and preventing me from having better diabetes care.
A part of me thinks they should definitely know what its like for a patient with diabetes and depression. And another part of me thinks that in telling my endo these things I am crossing a line. That depression is a psychology issue, not an endocrinology issue. So I can't cross the two. Even they are so closely related in my eyes, would they be in the eyes of a doctor?
So, there it is. Though I didn't tell my endo, and am having issues telling Jason and everyone else in my life, at least I am putting it here.
I tried to talk to Jason, my boyfriend, about it the other day. Which didn't get anywhere. He tries to get me to expand on the depressive thoughts, as if they are some sort of rational thought that can be logically explained away. But they aren't.
And even though I can see the logical way that I should be thinking, I don't. Or I can't right now. I can't get those healthy thoughts in and the unhealthy ones out. Which makes me sound a little crazy I realize. But that is what depression is like for me - a constant stream of negative thoughts, about my self and what I do and what I need to do better, that doesn't stop, or let down, or give up. Thoughts that consume every part of my being and make seeing a solution to my problems impossible.
The other day I tried to email my doctor about why I haven't sent him an updated log book, despite the blood sugar issues I have been having. It went something like this:
Hi Dr. B. I know I haven't emailed you a new log book in a while. I tried to create a more detailed one for you, which meant keeping track of everything I ate and the time I ate it and the carbs. Because I don't carry a log book with me I started putting what I ate into my phone as a note. After only 36 hours I had 15 notes saved of what I ate, down to a few M&M's at 3:00am while at work. Which is when I got overwhelmed. Thinking of matching up what I ate with the blood sugars I took on my two meters and the insulin I gave with my pump. Using 4 devices to track my diabetes and then having to compile all the information on each device into time slots of pre/post meals, just defeated my whole attempt at logging before it even started. So, I wanted you to know that right now, doing all of that, just is proving to be more difficult than I can handle.
Then I stopped. Deleted the email. Because the defeated/overwhelmed with diabetes care isn't something I want to unload onto my endo. Though I think they should know about it, I don't feel like its my place to tell them. Another one of those irrational thoughts. Don't tell the people who help with diabetes whats going on and preventing me from having better diabetes care.
A part of me thinks they should definitely know what its like for a patient with diabetes and depression. And another part of me thinks that in telling my endo these things I am crossing a line. That depression is a psychology issue, not an endocrinology issue. So I can't cross the two. Even they are so closely related in my eyes, would they be in the eyes of a doctor?
So, there it is. Though I didn't tell my endo, and am having issues telling Jason and everyone else in my life, at least I am putting it here.
2.20.2009
Two Week Outlook
So I haven't been posting anything lately. I read on another blog, can't remember whose, sorry, that you shouldn't write about why you haven't been posting. The logic was that no one needs to hear the thoughts that happen behind the posts since if its a good post the thoughts will be clear, but I think its something I need to address. If nothing else for my own sake.
I find blogging a permanent marker of where I am at that moment. And I don't always like those markers. Does anyone else feel that way about their blogs? I find that I like to blog when I am in a bad mood because its the only outlet I have for these thoughts, and I don't like the negative mark I leave. I also don't like reliving that negativity later on. When I look at my posts I find that I am quite the pessimist. So, its deterred me lately from blogging.
But it got me thinking that I often avoid the things I don't like. And I can't exactly avoid diabetes. I have tried, oh have I tried. But I can't. I can avoid posting my negative thoughts on the Internet for all to see. Which is why I haven't been posting.
I often feel this way about uploading my MiniMed pump and seeing those reports too. Its a marker of what I have and haven't been doing. Or more often than not things I haven't been doing and should be doing more. I looked at my upload today and was shocked to see that I had only tested my blood sugar twice on Feb 12th. Twice? I ask myself. Really Amber. I can do better than that. I know I can. TWICE? That's it? Looking at my fingers I think I test a dozen times a day. But looking at my recent MiniMed upload tells me otherwise.
That in the last two weeks the most I tested on one day was ten times, and that was because I was forced to (LONG story involving my sister overreacting to a low and calling the paramedics to the apartment I share with Jason, what an ordeal that was). That according to those reports I spend 36% of my time above my target range, and 20% below it. Makes me wonder how it would feel if I could gain back that time out of target range what would I do with myself. Would I have better work outs? Would I sleep better? Wake up earlier because my mind wasn't foggy from a low that made getting up nearly impossible? I don't know.
What caused my sister's overreaction was my inability to respond to her over the phone from a low that I didn't treat. I was even wearing the CGMS. I knew that I was floating too low, but decided that I wanted to sleep instead of get up and treat my low. So I slept with a blood sugar around 60 for a few hours. In my defense I thought it was more around 80 not 60, but its just another excuse for me to say "I didn't need to treat the low". But an excuse is not OK in that situation. I need to treat those shitty lows that interrupt my sleep, even if I don't want to, even if it means I won't get my full 8 hours of sleep, and I have to go to work sleep deprived.
I. CAN'T. IGNORE. MY. LOWS.
That's what I have been chanting to myself since the day when the paramedics arrived at our apartment. And now I am beginning to think that this little mantra extends out to other things I can't ignore: uploading my meters and pump, and blogging. Though the reports often make me feel like a failure and slacker, I need to know the information on the damned things to help my self in the long run. That while I may not like my negativity, I shouldn't ignore it as if it wasn't there. And like the reports, maybe if I acknowledge it more often I can improve my outlook because I am blogging in the moment and that is helpful.
I used to tell myself, "I am looking through a one inch window, now try to imagine what is outside of that window that I can't see". Maybe I need to do this more often with myself, my outlook, and my diabetes.
I find blogging a permanent marker of where I am at that moment. And I don't always like those markers. Does anyone else feel that way about their blogs? I find that I like to blog when I am in a bad mood because its the only outlet I have for these thoughts, and I don't like the negative mark I leave. I also don't like reliving that negativity later on. When I look at my posts I find that I am quite the pessimist. So, its deterred me lately from blogging.
But it got me thinking that I often avoid the things I don't like. And I can't exactly avoid diabetes. I have tried, oh have I tried. But I can't. I can avoid posting my negative thoughts on the Internet for all to see. Which is why I haven't been posting.
I often feel this way about uploading my MiniMed pump and seeing those reports too. Its a marker of what I have and haven't been doing. Or more often than not things I haven't been doing and should be doing more. I looked at my upload today and was shocked to see that I had only tested my blood sugar twice on Feb 12th. Twice? I ask myself. Really Amber. I can do better than that. I know I can. TWICE? That's it? Looking at my fingers I think I test a dozen times a day. But looking at my recent MiniMed upload tells me otherwise.
That in the last two weeks the most I tested on one day was ten times, and that was because I was forced to (LONG story involving my sister overreacting to a low and calling the paramedics to the apartment I share with Jason, what an ordeal that was). That according to those reports I spend 36% of my time above my target range, and 20% below it. Makes me wonder how it would feel if I could gain back that time out of target range what would I do with myself. Would I have better work outs? Would I sleep better? Wake up earlier because my mind wasn't foggy from a low that made getting up nearly impossible? I don't know.
What caused my sister's overreaction was my inability to respond to her over the phone from a low that I didn't treat. I was even wearing the CGMS. I knew that I was floating too low, but decided that I wanted to sleep instead of get up and treat my low. So I slept with a blood sugar around 60 for a few hours. In my defense I thought it was more around 80 not 60, but its just another excuse for me to say "I didn't need to treat the low". But an excuse is not OK in that situation. I need to treat those shitty lows that interrupt my sleep, even if I don't want to, even if it means I won't get my full 8 hours of sleep, and I have to go to work sleep deprived.
I. CAN'T. IGNORE. MY. LOWS.
That's what I have been chanting to myself since the day when the paramedics arrived at our apartment. And now I am beginning to think that this little mantra extends out to other things I can't ignore: uploading my meters and pump, and blogging. Though the reports often make me feel like a failure and slacker, I need to know the information on the damned things to help my self in the long run. That while I may not like my negativity, I shouldn't ignore it as if it wasn't there. And like the reports, maybe if I acknowledge it more often I can improve my outlook because I am blogging in the moment and that is helpful.
I used to tell myself, "I am looking through a one inch window, now try to imagine what is outside of that window that I can't see". Maybe I need to do this more often with myself, my outlook, and my diabetes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)