9.09.2012

I feel like a failure.  Great way to start out a blog post, right?  I guess,  I just feel lost at the moment.  But here are some updates, bullet point style!
  • Failed out of nursing school due to working too much and poor diabetes management.
  • During all of this fell in love with an amazing man, Matt.
  • He is divorced with two kids from his ex-wife and another as an unplanned, non-discussed pregnancy.
  • Town house with my sister and nephews went up for sale, didn't sell, but we did find a renter for it and that is going well.  But that meant I moved out of the townhouse. 
  • I moved in with said wonderful man last October when the townhouse lease went into effect. I got a new job in the area of his and his parent's home in Stacy, MN the year before but only officially moved in October of 2011.
  • Its been interesting, but he agreed to get me a kitth, Nova, last November who I post a ton of pictures of on FB.  His eldest daughter and I also recently convinced him to allow a second kitth, Reeses (DSH tortoiseshell baby girl) into the home. She is precious.
  • Due to an inability to get accepted into another  nursing program I decided to pursue my other passion - hair.
  • Attending Aveda Institute Minneapolis for cosmetology license at present. Should be done mid-January 2012 (almost there!!!)
  • I love cosmetology!  It is far less stressful than nursing. I have given many hugs to people whose hair I have styled or colored or cut, whatever, and that is so fulfilling! 
  • Cosmetology training is essentially 40 hours per week Monday to Friday.
  • Matt's two eldest kids are back with their mom now.
  • His youngest is and has always been with her mom.  Matt and her mom rarely talk.
  • I love this man.  It feels right, I feel balanced with him.
  • He cannot have anymore children.
  • I love his kids. I want the  best for them. I want them to have the security I never felt and the love that my Mom has always given me, only from me. I want them to trust me, and know that I have their best interests in mind.  I want them to know I will always do right by them, but sometimes that means they may not like my answer to things.
  • I want Matt to know all of the stuff in the above bulletin.
  • I turn 30 in just under a month.
  • Somehow this seems like a huge thing to me.
  • My diabetes could be better, but isn't extremely terrible.  I believe my A1c is down to 7.8 thanks to some terrible lows.
  • I have had many seizures this year from low blood sugars.
  • I have gained 11 pounds this year.  That alone, on top of everything else, SUCKS.
  • I work overnights still and on the school nights that I work I only get 3 hours of sleep before returning to school. Usually those school days give me lots of lows.
So I feel like a failure because of all of the above reasons and then some.  I love Matt's kids to my core, and I want the best for them. Sometimes I feel alone in that want though.  And a lot of times I feel as though I am the only one willing to take the "road less traveled" to get them to where they need to be.  I have told Matt time and time again that his eldest needs professional  counseling.  She needs to learn how to cope with disappointment in a healthy way, not a negative way.   She needs to learn how to deal with self-disappointment too.  To realize that if she doesn't "win" at something that its OKAY, and doesn't mean she is lesser of a little lady.

Twelve years ago at this point I had hoped to be finishing my residency of a MD program.  Yet I don't even have my bachelors degree yet.  I love my job and what I do, but it is physically draining on me mentally and physically.  Which is why I chose yet another career path - cosmetology.  But I am scared.  I am scared that I wont be good at what I do, despite others comments that they love what I do for their hair.  I just am scared that, like all else in my life, I will fail at that too.
I am scared that I won't be financially stable with this new career change, despite loving it, there are still bills to pay.

I am scared of becoming a "spinster", and beginning to feel as though I am not a good "fit" for anyone out there.  Most people my age are either married by now or on their way to marriage.  As far as marriage goes, Matt only worries about the cost of it and says it isn't an option right now because we don't have the money for a wedding.  This sounds wonderfully familiar to the excuses my ex gave me about marriage and engagement.  Personally, if you know its right then you will do anything to make it completely right and propose to the person who makes you feel like like is *RIGHT*.  So, by a lack of this from him....with many excuses of why now isn't a good time.  I am insecure in our relationship.  After two and a half years shouldn't he know if its *RIGHT* or not??  I believe that if you want something you make it happen no matter the challenges or obstacles.  So, wouldn't that also apply to engagement in a tough financial time?

On Saturday, September 8th, I posted a video clip of Matt's eldest kid, who is 9, in one of her tantrums.  It was sort of the tail end of her tantrum.  I posted it because at 9 years of age she shouldn't be throwing fits like she is a 2 year old, and I wanted other parent's suggestions on how to deal with these fits.  They happen pretty much every time we get the kids back from their Mom's. They also tend to happen when I refuse to give in to the child's demands. Or when I suggest something they don't want to do, like going to a bookstore to find a good book for them to read.

This caused an uproar from his family and for Matt throwing legal issues at me for posting the video clip with out his or his ex-wife's consent.  That it was rude and uncalled for on my part. 

The video is now removed.  I realize I had no right to post a video of another person's child.  Even if I feel like a second Mom to those kids, even if the video paints them in a positive light.  That right is not mine.  Fine.  No more photos or videos of his children will be posted to my facebook account. That is illegal and I have no legal rights to do so.

I feel like a failure because my idea of parenting and raising a child are so completely different from his that I am unsure if this can work.  I believe in education, a focus on it and it as the main concern as a parent.  I believe kids should be taught responsibility through chores at home.  Age appropriate chores.  I believe kids need to listen to their elders. I believe that if the TV is a distraction from education or listening it should be turned off.  I believe kids should get healthy, well balanced meals and that candy or junk food (chips are included as junk food!) should be reserved for special occasions.  Not a daily snack. I believe only one meal should be cooked for dinner and that everyone shares in the meal.  Not that there should be a kid friendly meal and then a meal for adults.  That's too much work and a waste of resources and time.

But I guess I am wrong in these beliefs.  So, being wrong at alot of things lately.  I am beginning to believe I am a failure.  I want to ignore my diabetes because I know doing so will not trend me into a seizure.  I want to pretend that my values mean something when I am told time and time again that they are too much and I need to back off.  I feel like I should  be elsewhere in my life than where I am today.  I have nothing to show for my 12 years out of high school. Nothing. 

And its the week of my menstrual cycle, its the tough week of work and school for me.  And somehow I have to talk myself off this ledge because no one else will.  No one.

Adieu.

2 comments:

Diabetes Medical Supplies said...

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Scott K. Johnson said...

Heya Bams,

Thinking of you. Everything will work out somehow. Just keep pressing forward. You can do this.