So I haven't been posting anything lately. I read on another blog, can't remember whose, sorry, that you shouldn't write about why you haven't been posting. The logic was that no one needs to hear the thoughts that happen behind the posts since if its a good post the thoughts will be clear, but I think its something I need to address. If nothing else for my own sake.
I find blogging a permanent marker of where I am at that moment. And I don't always like those markers. Does anyone else feel that way about their blogs? I find that I like to blog when I am in a bad mood because its the only outlet I have for these thoughts, and I don't like the negative mark I leave. I also don't like reliving that negativity later on. When I look at my posts I find that I am quite the pessimist. So, its deterred me lately from blogging.
But it got me thinking that I often avoid the things I don't like. And I can't exactly avoid diabetes. I have tried, oh have I tried. But I can't. I can avoid posting my negative thoughts on the Internet for all to see. Which is why I haven't been posting.
I often feel this way about uploading my MiniMed pump and seeing those reports too. Its a marker of what I have and haven't been doing. Or more often than not things I haven't been doing and should be doing more. I looked at my upload today and was shocked to see that I had only tested my blood sugar twice on Feb 12th. Twice? I ask myself. Really Amber. I can do better than that. I know I can. TWICE? That's it? Looking at my fingers I think I test a dozen times a day. But looking at my recent MiniMed upload tells me otherwise.
That in the last two weeks the most I tested on one day was ten times, and that was because I was forced to (LONG story involving my sister overreacting to a low and calling the paramedics to the apartment I share with Jason, what an ordeal that was). That according to those reports I spend 36% of my time above my target range, and 20% below it. Makes me wonder how it would feel if I could gain back that time out of target range what would I do with myself. Would I have better work outs? Would I sleep better? Wake up earlier because my mind wasn't foggy from a low that made getting up nearly impossible? I don't know.
What caused my sister's overreaction was my inability to respond to her over the phone from a low that I didn't treat. I was even wearing the CGMS. I knew that I was floating too low, but decided that I wanted to sleep instead of get up and treat my low. So I slept with a blood sugar around 60 for a few hours. In my defense I thought it was more around 80 not 60, but its just another excuse for me to say "I didn't need to treat the low". But an excuse is not OK in that situation. I need to treat those shitty lows that interrupt my sleep, even if I don't want to, even if it means I won't get my full 8 hours of sleep, and I have to go to work sleep deprived.
I. CAN'T. IGNORE. MY. LOWS.
That's what I have been chanting to myself since the day when the paramedics arrived at our apartment. And now I am beginning to think that this little mantra extends out to other things I can't ignore: uploading my meters and pump, and blogging. Though the reports often make me feel like a failure and slacker, I need to know the information on the damned things to help my self in the long run. That while I may not like my negativity, I shouldn't ignore it as if it wasn't there. And like the reports, maybe if I acknowledge it more often I can improve my outlook because I am blogging in the moment and that is helpful.
I used to tell myself, "I am looking through a one inch window, now try to imagine what is outside of that window that I can't see". Maybe I need to do this more often with myself, my outlook, and my diabetes.