I am having a really hard time with depression right now. Its sort of eating away at my will to do anything. Also at my relationships. And my diabetes care, naturally. I feel like there is no one I can reach out to. I feel like there is no one who understands. I feel like I can't relate to anyone because I feel so damned isolated with these feelings.

I tried to talk to Jason, my boyfriend, about it the other day. Which didn't get anywhere. He tries to get me to expand on the depressive thoughts, as if they are some sort of rational thought that can be logically explained away. But they aren't.

And even though I can see the logical way that I should be thinking, I don't. Or I can't right now. I can't get those healthy thoughts in and the unhealthy ones out. Which makes me sound a little crazy I realize. But that is what depression is like for me - a constant stream of negative thoughts, about my self and what I do and what I need to do better, that doesn't stop, or let down, or give up. Thoughts that consume every part of my being and make seeing a solution to my problems impossible.

The other day I tried to email my doctor about why I haven't sent him an updated log book, despite the blood sugar issues I have been having. It went something like this:

Hi Dr. B. I know I haven't emailed you a new log book in a while. I tried to create a more detailed one for you, which meant keeping track of everything I ate and the time I ate it and the carbs. Because I don't carry a log book with me I started putting what I ate into my phone as a note. After only 36 hours I had 15 notes saved of what I ate, down to a few M&M's at 3:00am while at work. Which is when I got overwhelmed. Thinking of matching up what I ate with the blood sugars I took on my two meters and the insulin I gave with my pump. Using 4 devices to track my diabetes and then having to compile all the information on each device into time slots of pre/post meals, just defeated my whole attempt at logging before it even started. So, I wanted you to know that right now, doing all of that, just is proving to be more difficult than I can handle.

Then I stopped. Deleted the email. Because the defeated/overwhelmed with diabetes care isn't something I want to unload onto my endo. Though I think they should know about it, I don't feel like its my place to tell them. Another one of those irrational thoughts. Don't tell the people who help with diabetes whats going on and preventing me from having better diabetes care.

A part of me thinks they should definitely know what its like for a patient with diabetes and depression. And another part of me thinks that in telling my endo these things I am crossing a line. That depression is a psychology issue, not an endocrinology issue. So I can't cross the two. Even they are so closely related in my eyes, would they be in the eyes of a doctor?

So, there it is. Though I didn't tell my endo, and am having issues telling Jason and everyone else in my life, at least I am putting it here.


Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Amber,

Hang in there.

Living with diabetes sucks, and there's no two ways about it.

It IS overwhelming to keep track of all that stuff, and quickly explodes into a big huge ball of "undoable".

Besides telling you that I am always happy to grab a coffee somewhere and just visit (which I hope you already know), I would say use your blog to explore your feelings. Don't be a problem solver, per se, but just vent and let it all out. Here, on your blog, is the perfect place for it.

Jenny said...

Wow. You are having a touch time. I like that you're venting on here too, it's sanity-encouraging.
Diabetes sucks indeed! Don't let it win!!!

Chris said...

Even if you can't talk to your endo or boyfriend about this kind of stuff, the fact that you are putting it out somewhere is constructive. Even if you don't see the results immediately, this is a good step.

Keep your head up.