Let me start by clarifying my last post. Jason. Jason and I have known each other for 7 1/2 years. We met our junior year in high school and lasted through the start of sophomore year in college. We ended up at the same college, Hamline University, which I think may have been a mistake, but this isn't about that. I look back at him and I and there is just so much. I can't think of a non-relative who I have been through more with, including my best friend of 12 years, Taylor. And it seems like after all the joys, all the good and the bad times, that things should just fall into place between him and I. In my mind, and in his, we make sense.
It was October 2002 when we broke up the first time. We didn't date for a while, but we remained friends. There was a brief time in 2004 where we were together, but I lived in Arizona and he was still in MN so it didn't work out. When I moved home from AZ we both agreed that we would take things slow, get to know each other again and form the relationship we thought we could have. Again, it didn't work out; I wasn't ready and I was emotionally drained from my time in AZ (it was a bad time). And that brings me to now, the last 5 months where we have been together again.
Thinking of how to describe the past 5 months is a feat. To put it simply its been difficult. I don't understand how two people who want to be together so much can find it this hard to sustain a stable relationship. Are we too immature? Are we misleading each other with high expectations, expectations that aren't mentioned and only lead to disappointments? Are we not talking about the right things, or only talking about all the wrong things? What?? I don't know. I just know its very odd, especially when I can remember a time with him when we could talk for hours about anything. When there were no walls preventing the conversation from developing.
After this drunken kiss between him and a co-worker of ours on St. Patty's Day I was terrified. Terrified of what it meant, terrified that we couldn't talk about it, terrified of going into work when I was displeased of my job before this new situation aroused. I was also enraged. I was so mad that at a time where him and I are supposed to be giving our all to become stable he would let a stupid mistake like that happen. I was mad that it took him 5 days to be able to explain it to me, but once he did that anger melted away.
Then came last Friday. We were going to watch a movie at my place after work but my sister booted us out for some alone time with her future fiancee, Nick. Needing to kill two hours but not wanting to drive out to his place (I had to be home on Sat.), I suggested we go to Taylor's house for drinks and a movie with her and her fiancee, Tony. (Man, everyone is getting married!) But, he didn't want to for many reasons (he was tired, his eyes were dry and itchy, he didn't want to be overly social with people he didn't know, yada-yada-yada) and our Saturday evening was to be shared with them too. So, reluctantly I said call off our Friday plans and I'd see him Saturday. After two, two and a half hours maybe, with Taylor and Tony I decided that spending the night with Jason, even just cuddling, was what I wanted. So I trekked over to his place, got there at 1AM when, lo-and-behold, he wasn't there. Of course my thoughts jumped to the worst case scenario, that he was with her, who we can call Jo-Joe (because that makes me smile and isn't her name). I tried to be reasonable and thought he was just at the bar and would be home with in an hour, 90 minutes tops (bars close at 2). I wait, I wait, I doze off, wake up at 3:50AM, still no Jason. Clearly he is not at the bar anymore. By then I was pissed, just seething at the petty excuses he gave to ditch me and go out with someone else. When he did arrive home it was not a good time for either of us. I have a lot of anger towards Jo-Joe now too, which saddens me because I actually liked her before this. I thought I would be most pissed at him, but that isn't proving to be the case. And all through the weekend until last night I was just furious, at everyone and everything. But I finally figured out why.
I am hurt, plain and simple. I am hurt that it feels like he chose this girl over me and my friends (who are getting married in June and I am in the wedding party, I'd like for him to get to know them a little before then), that he stayed out all night with her, that they kissed, or she kissed him or what ever happened but that it happened none the less. That he talks to her so much more than me, that he can't tell me why. I am hurt that I thought she was a budding friend when now it is obvious to me that isn't true. I am hurt at being hurt, again. My hurt is fueling my anger and anger isn't helping.
I am telling myself that being angry all the time is not okay, but feeling hurt for a little while is acceptable.
Lately I also have worried that I always take the easy road out of any situation. I never thought that would be me but I look at the last 4 years and it seems to be true. I don't respect people who take the easy road in life, so I decided that I can't continue to do that anymore. The easiest thing to do right now would be to quit my job and leave Jason for good. But I can't do that, I can't afford to quit my job with out having another lined up, and I know that in a few weeks, or if nothing else at Taylor and Tony's wedding, I would miss him with all my being. And that's the truth, I don't want to leave him. I just don't want to hurt (emotionally) anymore. I think only time will fix that.
That being said, how has all of this affected my diabetes? Well, I also noticed the impactof this on my diabetes last night. I haven't been testing, I haven't been attentive to the alarms on my pump (so that I completely ran out of insulin in the reservoir last night and had to do manual injections through the night because I used my extra supplies the other week and didn't replenish my pump stock in the car, and I was away from home, again) and then I even managed to loose my meter completely yesterday! Its still MIA...thank God for back-up meters!
So, yea, I know. Baaaad Amber for not testing, not changing out the reservoir before it was completely empty, for loosing my meter and only discovering it really was MIA this morning when I got to work, for all the things I let get to me and let my focus from diabetes slip, baaaad...
How do people do it? How do you have an emotional month and still stay on top of diabetes? How do even continue to want to care for it when, damn-it, everything just blows?
sigh, well, at least the babies make me smile, and make the day brighter. My Darlin' nephews!! Devin and Levi, in that order.
The shit has hit the fan with Jason and I. Its a long story. Jason has been my on again, off again, boyfriend. We had initially started dating in high school and the first year of college, but I messed up and we ended things. By messed up I mean I cheated on him. I know that is terrible. I understood my actions and I did not expect forgiveness from him. After a while he did forgive me though, somehow. I don't understand how or why, he hasn't ever really explained it. Well now, after 4 years from our first break up, the tables are turned. He only kissed some other chick (who I happen to sit two cubicles away from). But its shredded our relationship. Its shredded me. I have wanted to quit my job, walk out of my job, drive off a bridge or into on-going traffic, stop my pump, move to Africa, anything to get away from him and her.
But if I want to get away then why is it I looked at my phone every hour last night to see if he had called? Why is it I was grasping it on my drive home, waiting for it to ring. I just went to bed after I got home, knowing that the damn phone wasn't going to ring. Knowing that if I called him it would only turn into another stupid fight.
I am so tired. So tired of feeling so alone and lost in this fucking world. I know there are other people with diabetes and there are other people with depression, and there are other people who have relationship issues, and so many worse things that I haven't had to endure. For what I haven't had to endure I thank God for saving me from that agony. For what I have, I ask for guidance on getting through, because I don't know how to do this alone.
I am looking forward to it because its free entertainment that makes me think about my life and my dreams and what matters to me. I don’t have to buy it or rent it to watch it, and can watch it in full peace and quiet knowing I am pretty much the only one I know who likes it (who can stay up that “late”). Did I mention its free entertainment?
The truth of the matter is that it’s something to look forward to that doesn’t consume money, or gas, or require food or insulin. With the moods I’ve been in lately, anything to look forward to that is reliable (and hey, TNT has their programming reputation to maintain, the show will air) I latch on to, sink my teeth in and swallow the small flood of momentary happiness I find in the bite, what ever the bait may be.
It’s sad for me to say that. That one of the things I am really looking forward to in a long while is a frickin’ TV show. I was gung-ho about getting a new book, but financial struggles are preventing that. I am realizing that the library will soon become my new best friend to replenish my need for new books. But, a book isn’t much better, is it? Shouldn’t I be looking forward to starting a new day, going to work, seeing my nephews, seeing my friends and Jason? But I don’t. Instead, I dread the first two things and often my friends don’t motivate me enough to bring about the joy of seeing them, instead I think, “Would I need to spend money with them?” or, “How far do I need to drive to meet them? Will I be okay on gas money pending the added travel?” or, “God, I wish for once I don’t have to miss the boys and Krystle, maybe they can come visit me?”. Only rarely do they visit, who wants to spend time with two 6 month old twin boys who you aren’t related to? Rarely do we not spend money either. Of course Devin and Levi always make me smile, but at the end of the day I still feel a little empty. I wonder if I will ever become stable enough to have one of my own someday. It makes me think something is terribly wrong with me…
Do people have to work at happiness? Does it come as easily as breathing for some, while for others feels like a silly fairy tale only found in books and movies? I wonder this a lot during the day, especially while at work. I wonder if my diabetes is part of the reason I am so unhappy. I wonder how many “to-do” lists must I make to attain the happiness I so long for, how much time would it take to complete one list and carry on with another, would completing a list even help? I ask myself, “Don’t I have enough lists with diabetes, work, Jason, bills, loans, the town home, my car, the twins, Taylor’s wedding, church, and my health?” and I can say yes. I do have a lot of to-do lists. They don’t go away. But these lists aren’t the ones making me happy.
Every year I say that I will make the list that will start me on the path towards my happiness. I do make that list too. But rarely is an item completed. An abbreviated version would be one like this.
Amber’s List to finding happiness:
* Finish my degree in an area that I can build a career with that I am passionate about
* Start volunteering with Camp Needlepoint, the Bridge for Runaway Youth, the Humane Society, or a hospital
* Write more
* Read more
* Start learning to swing dance
* Sing more
* Spend more time with family
* Have a stronger relationship with Jason (to help us through those though days)
* Find Hermione
The only thing that can’t be accomplished on this list is the last, finding Hermione. She is my cat, my baby girl, and she got out last September. We haven’t heard anything from the neighborhood and she wasn’t turned in to a shelter or vet because her chip hasn’t been scanned. But I digress…
So, the point? Do more on the list Amber. That little voice in my head whispers softly through my tears, “I know you can do it.”
I know too. I miss you baby girl. Hope you're safe.
Next Tuesday I will be watching Sex and the City. It will be a cheap form of much needed amusement. And as far as other motivational issues, for now, I am taking a deep breath, and resigning to more consistent workouts, more glucose tests, and perhaps a second job to help with the most depressing thing, money.
A mom blogging because her son has type one diabetes. Her post "Because I have to" was the tear jerker ten days ago and still causes my throat to go tight when I read it.
Her devotion sent chills up my back. Her strength in her writing is an inspiration. Thank you Penny.
More later, lunch is over.
I have had diabetes for 15 years, 4 months, and 4 days (nearing 5 days). I have struggled with depression for at least 7 years, but that was just when it was officially diagnosed so it probably was longer. I have spent only the last year in good control of my diabetes and blood sugars, and decent control the year before that. I have made some terrible academic and relationship mistakes and am trying to sort through the emotional side of the aftermath still. I have lost a cat who I loved dearly. I have loved another dearly and said good bye to them. I think too much its almost irritating. I hope for the best and offer the benefit of the doubt to most people.
And after agonizing far too long over which thought to share and type, I have thought myself into tiredness. HA.
Its been a while since I've done this. Bear with me and (I hope) soon I will be more at ease with blogging.
So, for now, good night.