Size does matter!

So I usually fill my Rx for BD test strips every 6 - 8 weeks and it was going on about 7 weeks since my last refill and I was running desperately low on test strips. So I called my pharmacy, placed the order and was told they would have it by Tuesday. Yesterday rolls around and I go in, pick up my large bag of test strips briefly wondering why the bag was even bulkier than usual. I shrugged it off. Well, time to start a new vial of test strips and I open my bulky bag taking note that the boxes of test strips are a lot larger now and no longer in the shape of a cube.

Strange, I think but again set this thought aside. That is until I am opening the new BD test strip box and notice that it only says 50 strips instead of 100 like before. And sure enough, instead of 4 cube shaped boxes there are eight rectangular boxes.

Odd, why would they make larger boxes? Then the little red circle catches my eye..."New larger vial!" is printed on the front of the box. My heart sinks then my temperature rises when I am done opening the box.

Are you kidding me?!?!?!!

Not only is the vial larger, its triple the size of the previous vials! The new vial can hold the old vial inside of it! Look!

Its like a damn pill bottle!! Its HUGE!!!
Okay, I understand, a lot of elderly people and children are using these products and with the old, smaller vial people couldn't get their fingers inside to get the strip out; I remember thinking that too when I got the meter with the pump in December of 2005. Then I grew to love, absolutely adore the smaller test strip vial because I could easily carry an extra one with me in my purse, gym bag, pocket wherever, with no worry of how much space its taking up. I became to appreciate that my test strips were more discrete like my pump and not taking injections. Not anymore!

I am sure this is for the best of most patients who use BD meters and the MiniMed Paradigm meter, but I am still displeased by the change. I mean...Its obnoxiously big now. It doesn't fit the old case that my meter was in, the case is designed for the smaller vial (notice the obscene vial above and blocking where the strip needs to go for a fresh test and sample).

Fortunately, BD foresaw this problem and are shipping me a new meter case and 50 free strips in the new, insanely large vial. I'm thinking that with a larger vial is an even larger case...I may need a new purse, my current purse barely fits all my "purse" and diabetes things!

I'll just stash my meter in my adult diaper bag with my granny panties, thank you! Who needs a normal sized purse when you have diabetes? Sheesh...

Can I have a new report card please?

I am tired today, not necessarily of diabetes but just in general. Over the last year after my A1c was more "normal" than it had been in over 9 years, I started noticing a new trend with symptoms of high glucose: I can't fall asleep if my sugar is too high or don't sleep nearly as well. Does anyone else have highs keeping them oddly awake or preventing a good sleep? Well, I am assuming that because I have better control over my glucose and a better A1c than I did for most of my adolescent and early twenties years that this is the only reason I am noticing this now (greeaaaat) .

For some odd reason it is very easy for me to let my sugars run too high or higher than ideal while I am asleep. I can't even remember the last time I actually woke up in the middle of the night just to test my glucose, and I only test it late if I happen to be awake which usually means I am out drinking with friends or I'm awake because it is high.

The latter explanation is why I am tired today. This week (or month) I have been slacking on tight glucose control before and during bed and now I am tired from letting my glucose sit around 200 for long enough to prevent a normal bed time last night. Since it was 1 am I decided to confirm the high and sure enough - 207. I was awake another hour when I finally just resisted the urge to fidget and forced my self to lie down in bed and breathe deeply. For fun I gave myself a quick bolus of 1 unit hoping it would help me fall asleep sooner.

Sigh. I don't know why I do that; I am good about testing when I wake up, before I eat, when I am out, before I drive but its as though once 9 or 10 PM rolls around my mind and body resist doing what I know I need to do and I slack.

One "good" thing came out of my high-insomnia last night: I uploaded my meters and pump to the MiniMed CareLink site for the first time since...oh far too long! And rediscovered just how fun it is to be able to run all those reports about trends or daily carb use, or pretty much anything you can think of it can generate, I mean its really cool! In all my excitement I sent an email to my doctor to let him know that I finally did it and asked if he wanted me to print certain reports for my appointment next week or what he preferred. He responded this morning with what to do and then the last line of his email was "Your A1c was 6.9 - FYI" ( I had gone in for the blood work last week for my appointment with my Endo next week).

I am pleased with this result but a little disheartened because it is up a small bit from last February and I bet its because of the night time highs and my unmotivated attempts to fix/control/prevent them.

I'll tell you what it is about this most recent A1c result - its a damn grade, and because I did better on the same "test" three months ago I feel as though I failed it this time. So silly, I know. But its true. I will admit I thought it was a little higher from noticing the increased restless nights since February but I also hoped that I was wrong.

I am glad to hear this today versus next Thursday and be bummed about it the entire day and the following day, which just won't do because its Taylor's rehearsal dinner and wedding next Thursday and Friday; I wouldn't want the damn grade ruin it for me, so there is a positive about that last sentence of his email.

So, one week until the actual Endo appointment where I am sure we will talk of the lack of bed time testing, the rehearsal dinner, and Taylor's wedding!! No matter how tired I am, I am not too tired for enthusiasm about that!!

Catching Up

Its been a long time since my last post, I know. I am not sure why, or rather there are a lot of excuses why but I don't think they are worth regurgitating here. Needless to say, its been a while. BUT man has a lot been going on!

So Jason and I have been better lately and we went on a weekend trip to Chicago the last weekend in April. That was fun, I had only been to Chicago once before when I was 16 so it was a nice chance to revisit it as an "adult". We were mainly around Andersonville, Lakeville and Wicker Park while there. Its very ... classic urban. I think of the Grand area in MN only more crowded! On Sunday we walked over to Lake Michigan from Chris and Amber's (Jason's friends who we went to visit) apartment and walked out on to a little pier.

Seeing the expanse of Lake Michigan was very refreshing and made me want to see Lake Superior again. In fact it makes me want to visit all of our Great Lakes!

Its a little sad to think that I have only seen two of the five Great Lakes. That amazing Discovery Channel mini-series, Planet Earth, has consumed me and made me aware of how little I have seen, and of all the amazing things to see on our planet the most accessible are the Great Lakes. So, that's a new little wish of mine, to see the great lakes before I turn ... 30. That seems do-able, no?

Then this month has been consumed with Mothers Day, helping my sister watch the boys while she studied for her finals, and helping Taylor with the preparation for her wedding on June first (scream!). Taylor is my best friend who I have known for going on twelve years (since 7th grade) and she is getting married. There was a lot of drama around this wedding initially but I think it is now smoothing out. Let me tell you, before Taylor's wedding I had never helped anyone with wedding planning and I kind of like it. It seems so fun! As a little girl I think I was one of the few who never thought of her wedding and what it would be like. I only started doing that this year while helping Taylor with hers so this a whole new world to me.

There are a lot of people getting married! The weekend after Taylor's wedding Jason's other close friend, Luke, is getting married and we are flying out to Boston (YAY!!!) for his wedding. I am PSYCHED for that trip; I have had a long distance love affair with Boston since I was a little girl. I think it was from doing a very long report on the Boston Tea-Party in the second grade that did it for me. That and being a historic city on the East Coast I think did it for me long ago and now I get to see it! We are flying out Wednesday the 6th of June and returning Monday June 11th so we can do some touring and sight seeing before and after Luke and Jennifer's wedding. As much as I am thrilled to be visiting Boston, I am more excited to see the ocean. If anyone has some suggestions for where good sites are in the Boston area please send them over, because neither Jason or I really know where to go (aside from the things listed in tourist guides but even with those, which place is actually interesting or amazing?).

The only other thing that has consumed my time the last four weeks is the fact that my car needs the head gasket replaced along with a few other things and now I need a second job to pay for the repairs. But I will be doing that search once the weddings are over with.

And about my diabetes? It has been well. I had blood work yesterday for my three month check up, and my thyroid because last February I guess my thyroid tested a little off, and I am meeting with my doctor May 31st. I feel good about my diabetes lately although, anytime I am mildly more active in my day my blood sugar drops so fast!

Like last night, Jason and I were organizing the downstairs in the town home ("my" area) and after re-arranging and cleaning for a couple hours by blood sugar dropped to 54! I wasn't even doing much just walking around and putting things away and moving furniture (which wasn't difficult at all) and man it just hit me. The only way I knew something was wrong was I had a pounding headache and one minute later was unable to decide what hanger to use for a tee shirt or if I should just fold it and put it in the dresser, not a big deal either way, and that was the sign that something wasn't right. I couldn't decide what to do with a shirt, sorta funny, sorta sad. Also our time in Chicago reminded me of this too because we did a lot of casual walking, and I didn't think it would effect my sugar but it did.

When I think of activities that lower my blood sugar I think of a strenuous walk, dancing, exercising, or lifting a lot of heavy items, but I don't think of those little things like just being on your feet for hours at a time. Good thing I learned this now versus the day of Taylor's wedding! Now I know that I should lower my basal rate for those busy "on your feet" days as I am sure that is bound to be one.

There it is in a nut shell. I am trying to take more time to blog more frequently although with the next three weeks being so jam-packed and then probably working an additional 20 - 25 hours each week after returning from Boston...all I can say is I'm going to try. I still read other peoples blogs because being in a call center that is one thing to do between calls but I can't easily post a blog of my own while at work. And again, if any of you know good, cheap, places to visit in Boston or good sites to view the ocean please let me know!!

Figure it out 'til we get it right...

Spring has returned to Minnesota! Or so it seems... ;)

So my diabetes is doing good but for some odd fasting results mid-mornings. Let me tell you I am not a morning person, not even close. Luckily I don't ever have to be to work before 9am but I still have a varied start time due to the position I have in the call center. There I can start anywhere from 9am or as late as 1pm and be scheduled for 9 hours with an hour lunch (love that lunch, it keeps me sane!). Even having my shifts start at 9 or later though, I still don't find time for breakfast. The late start is mainly to ensure I get enough sleep (I tend to go to bed late).

This is a good and a bad thing, but for the time being I am saying its good and using it to try and ensure my morning basal rates are set correctly. Well, the rates seem to be great for when I am in bed and asleep. I guess that is just fine for the dawn effect, but the time after I get up but before noon concerns me. I seem to run a little low after the higher basal rate drops back down to my normal rate. My tests in the hours from 9 - noon are running as low as 53 and all the way up to 69. I know, such a range! It isn't from bolusing too much, because I am not eating until noon or later it seems, and my pump is at the normal rate starting at 7:00am.

That I think is the error. The dawn effect increased basal should probably stop before 7am, so I pushed it back to 5:30am and gave a little more than the normal from 5:30 - 7, just in case. We'll see how that turns out.

"How did my increased basal end up returning to normal so late?" I asked myself, and I think it was when MiniMed replaced my pump last month and I reset my settings myself. I am sure I set it incorrectly then, and since these lows aren't waking me up I didn't notice until I started testing the minute I woke up instead of when I finally sat down to eat or drink something.

"Oh, thats right," that little voice inside my head chimes in, "I changed it to last until 7 am because I wasn't getting up to exercise and before, when I was getting up, I had it end at 5." Niiice Amber...

Guess thats a sign I should start exercising again...or stop meddling with my basal rates.

Ha, fat chance!

A Negative Day

Today, I hate everything about diabetes. I hate the way it makes me sleep in when my blood sugar is high, I hate the way I am a little crabby the rest of the day from a high blood sugar. I hate that in order to feel as though I have any control over my life I have to use that damned glucometer multiple times a day to answer the ever changing question of how is my diabetes now?

I hate the way I am attached to a damn device 24/7. I hate that the cord on my pump is just a few inches too short for me to be able to navigate comfortably in my shower with out having a little tug at my stomach to warn me I'm at the end of my leash. Yes, I know I don't have to wear it in the shower, but I found that when ever I take my pump off for showering my sugars skyrocket an hour later. That happens even when I am exercising and I suspend the pump, an hour later its through the roof, whats with that?!? I learned that I really cant leave the pump on during my work out but Sarah's blog on starting it again before the end of a workout is a good idea that I also tried, but only once, and that time it was still high just not as high, only the low 200's. WTF?!?!

I hate that it seems like diabetes is the only thing I can somewhat "master" and it isn't what I want to master! I want to go back to school, but I've learned that in order for me to be in school diabetes needs to be in control, good control, and I need to be ready to handle the extra stress of caring for it, working, and taking classes.

I hate that I feel powerless by this damn disease. I hate that it feels like no one in my circle of friends and family understands.

Sigh, breathe deeply.

I just don't like it today. I don't. It makes me want to not test my blood sugar all weekend, as long as I can go with out testing provided I feel "okay". It makes me want to cry and stop talking, to just shut down. That's what I hate.

Sorry this is negative, I just had to get it out.

Feeling Hurt for a Little While is Acceptable...

So, the past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. The entire month has been a challenge to stay positive when I really don't want to, but especially the last two weeks.
Let me start by clarifying my last post. Jason. Jason and I have known each other for 7 1/2 years. We met our junior year in high school and lasted through the start of sophomore year in college. We ended up at the same college, Hamline University, which I think may have been a mistake, but this isn't about that. I look back at him and I and there is just so much. I can't think of a non-relative who I have been through more with, including my best friend of 12 years, Taylor. And it seems like after all the joys, all the good and the bad times, that things should just fall into place between him and I. In my mind, and in his, we make sense.

It was October 2002 when we broke up the first time. We didn't date for a while, but we remained friends. There was a brief time in 2004 where we were together, but I lived in Arizona and he was still in MN so it didn't work out. When I moved home from AZ we both agreed that we would take things slow, get to know each other again and form the relationship we thought we could have. Again, it didn't work out; I wasn't ready and I was emotionally drained from my time in AZ (it was a bad time). And that brings me to now, the last 5 months where we have been together again.

...

Thinking of how to describe the past 5 months is a feat. To put it simply its been difficult. I don't understand how two people who want to be together so much can find it this hard to sustain a stable relationship. Are we too immature? Are we misleading each other with high expectations, expectations that aren't mentioned and only lead to disappointments? Are we not talking about the right things, or only talking about all the wrong things? What?? I don't know. I just know its very odd, especially when I can remember a time with him when we could talk for hours about anything. When there were no walls preventing the conversation from developing.

After this drunken kiss between him and a co-worker of ours on St. Patty's Day I was terrified. Terrified of what it meant, terrified that we couldn't talk about it, terrified of going into work when I was displeased of my job before this new situation aroused. I was also enraged. I was so mad that at a time where him and I are supposed to be giving our all to become stable he would let a stupid mistake like that happen. I was mad that it took him 5 days to be able to explain it to me, but once he did that anger melted away.

Then came last Friday. We were going to watch a movie at my place after work but my sister booted us out for some alone time with her future fiancee, Nick. Needing to kill two hours but not wanting to drive out to his place (I had to be home on Sat.), I suggested we go to Taylor's house for drinks and a movie with her and her fiancee, Tony. (Man, everyone is getting married!) But, he didn't want to for many reasons (he was tired, his eyes were dry and itchy, he didn't want to be overly social with people he didn't know, yada-yada-yada) and our Saturday evening was to be shared with them too. So, reluctantly I said call off our Friday plans and I'd see him Saturday. After two, two and a half hours maybe, with Taylor and Tony I decided that spending the night with Jason, even just cuddling, was what I wanted. So I trekked over to his place, got there at 1AM when, lo-and-behold, he wasn't there. Of course my thoughts jumped to the worst case scenario, that he was with her, who we can call Jo-Joe (because that makes me smile and isn't her name). I tried to be reasonable and thought he was just at the bar and would be home with in an hour, 90 minutes tops (bars close at 2). I wait, I wait, I doze off, wake up at 3:50AM, still no Jason. Clearly he is not at the bar anymore. By then I was pissed, just seething at the petty excuses he gave to ditch me and go out with someone else. When he did arrive home it was not a good time for either of us. I have a lot of anger towards Jo-Joe now too, which saddens me because I actually liked her before this. I thought I would be most pissed at him, but that isn't proving to be the case. And all through the weekend until last night I was just furious, at everyone and everything. But I finally figured out why.

I am hurt, plain and simple. I am hurt that it feels like he chose this girl over me and my friends (who are getting married in June and I am in the wedding party, I'd like for him to get to know them a little before then), that he stayed out all night with her, that they kissed, or she kissed him or what ever happened but that it happened none the less. That he talks to her so much more than me, that he can't tell me why. I am hurt that I thought she was a budding friend when now it is obvious to me that isn't true. I am hurt at being hurt, again. My hurt is fueling my anger and anger isn't helping.

I am telling myself that being angry all the time is not okay, but feeling hurt for a little while is acceptable.

Lately I also have worried that I always take the easy road out of any situation. I never thought that would be me but I look at the last 4 years and it seems to be true. I don't respect people who take the easy road in life, so I decided that I can't continue to do that anymore. The easiest thing to do right now would be to quit my job and leave Jason for good. But I can't do that, I can't afford to quit my job with out having another lined up, and I know that in a few weeks, or if nothing else at Taylor and Tony's wedding, I would miss him with all my being. And that's the truth, I don't want to leave him. I just don't want to hurt (emotionally) anymore. I think only time will fix that.

That being said, how has all of this affected my diabetes? Well, I also noticed the impactof this on my diabetes last night. I haven't been testing, I haven't been attentive to the alarms on my pump (so that I completely ran out of insulin in the reservoir last night and had to do manual injections through the night because I used my extra supplies the other week and didn't replenish my pump stock in the car, and I was away from home, again) and then I even managed to loose my meter completely yesterday! Its still MIA...thank God for back-up meters!

So, yea, I know. Baaaad Amber for not testing, not changing out the reservoir before it was completely empty, for loosing my meter and only discovering it really was MIA this morning when I got to work, for all the things I let get to me and let my focus from diabetes slip, baaaad...

How do people do it? How do you have an emotional month and still stay on top of diabetes? How do even continue to want to care for it when, damn-it, everything just blows?

sigh, well, at least the babies make me smile, and make the day brighter. My Darlin' nephews!! Devin and Levi, in that order.

Teetering on the brink

I started a blog to be able to help myself get back into writing. But I think I may have realized why that in it self is a problem. I don't like my words. I don't like the thoughts in my head, I don't enjoy my emotions.

The shit has hit the fan with Jason and I. Its a long story. Jason has been my on again, off again, boyfriend. We had initially started dating in high school and the first year of college, but I messed up and we ended things. By messed up I mean I cheated on him. I know that is terrible. I understood my actions and I did not expect forgiveness from him. After a while he did forgive me though, somehow. I don't understand how or why, he hasn't ever really explained it. Well now, after 4 years from our first break up, the tables are turned. He only kissed some other chick (who I happen to sit two cubicles away from). But its shredded our relationship. Its shredded me. I have wanted to quit my job, walk out of my job, drive off a bridge or into on-going traffic, stop my pump, move to Africa, anything to get away from him and her.

But if I want to get away then why is it I looked at my phone every hour last night to see if he had called? Why is it I was grasping it on my drive home, waiting for it to ring. I just went to bed after I got home, knowing that the damn phone wasn't going to ring. Knowing that if I called him it would only turn into another stupid fight.

I am so tired. So tired of feeling so alone and lost in this fucking world. I know there are other people with diabetes and there are other people with depression, and there are other people who have relationship issues, and so many worse things that I haven't had to endure. For what I haven't had to endure I thank God for saving me from that agony. For what I have, I ask for guidance on getting through, because I don't know how to do this alone.