And I suck.

Today I am feeling down and very depressed.  For a variety of reasons, as always.  But mainly because I only just today, a few minutes ago got my crappy postcard in the mail. To its recipient I AM TERRIBLY SORRY IT IS SO OVERDUE.  I have no excuse except that I suck and was trying to make the card more appealing or decorative and just didn't succeed so decided to mail it as is and very late.
But, aside from my sucking at being crafty or getting to the post office in a timely fashion, life has been okay.  I am taking a nutrition course.  School....

I guess I never really posted about my horrible nursing school experience.  Maybe because it hurts too much that even thinking about blogging about it brings tears to my eyes and a tightly closed throat.  But my third semester into nursing school, which was Fall 2010, all fell apart, and I was unable to finish.  I was under a ton of stress and was having seizures what felt like left and right.  Between feeling uprooted every three months and the work/school/diabetes balancing act triad, I just didn't perform well academically. Or physically.  My A1c just hasn't been the same since.

I took some much needed time off from school, hopefully lowered my A1c back to an acceptable number, and am looking at restarting a different program later next year.  I will find out my A1c in ten days.  And I am praying that my last three months of trying to avoid highs will have paid off a little bit.   But a part of me fears that it hasn't.  Why?  Oh well that's because I generally suck at this whole diabetes thing.  I don't like it, I don't like to monitor my blood sugars, I don't like constantly calculating my carbs and determining if or when it is safe to eat.  I just don't like it.  Is that a good enough reason?  Is it a reason to validate anything?  Because you "don't like it"?  I suppose not.  But somehow when it comes to my diabetes it feels enough. 

It feels enough because at the end of the day, when I can sit down and review what I have or more accurately, have not accomplished, the LAST thing on my list is "Tested glucose 8 times today". 

And yet when I do look at my days, months and years of minor successes and major set backs, diabetes always comes up at the same time as the set backs. Seizures, high A1cs making life generally difficult.  Its all there with the bad. 

I know this, I know this like I know my own palm.  And somehow, it always happens.  Diabetes gets put on the back burner of life.  Because professors or employers don't care if I had to be late because I left my glucometer at home, or I am running low on insulin in the reservoir and need to break to change it out.  All they care is was I there, was I participating or performing.  They don't care about the WHY.  Hell NO ONE cares about the WHY.  Unless its a death in the family, the why of self diabetes care is only important to one person: the diabetic.

I look at all the things I had to do last Fall, and getting through the work and academic checklist each day left me little room and little energy for another diabetes checklist. 

And because of this, today, I feel as though I suck.  Because some days that diabetes checklist will never be complete.  Because I am running out of the "I care about diabetes" juice.  And I have to put it out there.  I have to put it here because, because there is no where else to put it.  And I have to find the "caring" juice again so I can keep on.  With school, with life.


Colleen said...

I am NOT a d-expert but...
Stop looking at the big picture, big list, big everything.
Pick one thing to do each day. And when you accomplish that - pat yourself on the back. Try (I know it's hard) to focus on your positives and not your negatives.
And remember, none of us like having diabetes!
And if this is too preachy (I'm a mom, can't help it), feel free to delete. I'll understand.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hi Amber,

I know I'm very late in reading this, but that is Ok.

You are loved by many nameless, faceless, and completely unknown brothers and sisters who also live with diabetes (and a bunch you know).

Diabetes is hard. It is very hard. Life is hard. it is very hard. Life AND diabetes? Super hard.

You can do this. Don't look for perfection, or even progress when things get crazy. Just hold fast. Stick through the storm and make it through the day the best you can.

Nobody can do diabetes well constantly. We all fight with ourselves, constantly trying to do better, and constantly searching for that balance between good enough diabetes management and good enough life management.

We get it. We live it too. You are not alone. Don't quit trying. Hang in there!