So on the day you would be 57 I will be moving out of my comfort zone and into a new realm of my life. You see M&M have found someone to rent the townhouse where my things are and this means I must move said things out. Where? Well, I don't have my own place. I would like to but at this time I am too broke to afford it. I would like to have a place with me and Matt but even on our combined incomes we can't manage an apartment of our own and still have room for living expenses. Also he doesn't believe in renting (I know, don't get me started!). So, for now, I will be moving in with him and his parents up in Stacy, MN.
Its sorta scary. Because I know were it me and my parents (M&M) this would never be possible. We would all go insane! (Love ya Mom!) Somehow Matt and his parents have made living together as calm and comfortable as I would never have imagined possible. And they have agreed to let me in as well. Its pretty amazing, the kindness of his family. Gives me inspiration on what families can be like. I hope Matt and I can raise A&A&G with the same compassion. But that's a whole other story.
So, things are really changing this week.
I'm scared, excited, and sad for this week all at once.
Because your passing has made the slight relationship we had even more slight and unfair. And it makes it seem so unfair that I didn't grow up sooner and just start calling you to talk to you, get to know you. But I wasn't ready, and now that you're gone of course I feel ready. Now that its too late.
I think of all the things that you won't see. Krystle, Kayla, or I getting married; D & L growing up; any future grandchildren one of us may have; the family that has accepted me as their own despite my flakiness and fear of commitment. These people who are important in your daughters lives who you won't meet. The people in my life that you won't meet. While I am not sure you and Matt would get along, I am sure that I would have wanted him to meet you and you to meet him. It all just makes me sad.
So, today (Sunday) I'm organizing for what will be my new residence with Matt and his family. And I'm moving out of the townhouse officially on Tuesday, your birthday. Happy Birthday Dad. I miss you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you this week.