"...Its my dreams you take"

I've been quiet lately, not between my beau and I, no, but on a whole quiet. I feel the need to spill those thoughts that I have been silencing in my head. Yet another thing I am sorry for, these terrible thoughts. The lack of belief, faith in anyone, especially myself.

God, depression, it hurts so much and yet seems to stem with absence. I am reminded of the novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being. How sometimes the lightness of being is so freeing and yet such a crushing freedom to some at the same time. Depression is never freeing, yet I find it to be especially crushing. Some days I just want to sleep, keep those heavy lids closed to the world because finding the joy is difficult lately. I am forced to ask my self if this is how I will always think, is this how I will always feel, will it never go away and most importantly, how can I make it stop?

I have never been good at editorials or expressing my opinions. Ask my opinion and I will try to find the least offensive answer, but there in lies the problem, an opinion isn't an answer. The topics from which you will get a straight opinion out of me are health and education. Yet I have so little to offer to these topics! I ask myself what words of wisdom can I share, what great experiences do I have that will enlighten others, help others? I look at my experiences with a deep regret and sadness. Very few experiences am I happy I had the chance to have. Yet all of them were found from seeking a dream I held close to my heart.

I have tried so many times at college, none with success. Hamline went OK the first year, but I drove myself insane and my A1c was so high, 17, starting my sophomore year at Hamline my doctor told me I had to quit work or school or else I was going to end up killing myself. So I left Hamline, regret number one. The colleges since then have only proven to be worse of an experience, either I dropped my health or dropped my grades or both. Yet college was my dream growing up.

Tomorrow (later today I guess) I am supposed to go to Century College and attend an orientation for their nursing program. Slowly reality is beginning to hit me though. What makes now any different than the other failed attempts? In reality I am a in a far worse situation to go back to school. My diabetes is finally good, true, but my finances are shot to hell and my car isn't working. My credit it terrible and I live paycheck to paycheck with little or no extra cash from one to the next; unexpected expenses are out of the question. So what am I doing, trying to go back to school? What the fuck am I thinking? I sit here awake though I should be sleeping, trying to decide if its even worth it going to that last minute orientation tomorrow (later today). I said I would go, I took the time off to go. But really, how can I?

I can sense already what it will do. It will inspire me to work hard, it will give me false hope that I am not trapped in corporate America with my care giving nature overlooked, it will make me taste the possibility of a better life. The next day I will go to work and think and ponder over how I will pay for it. Then later this week I will apply for student loans and be denied because of bad credit. I'll try multiple lenders, hoping for a miracle yet fearing the day I will have to pay it back because I struggle with the loans I currently have. Fearing the day where I can't do it all. I can't work 30 hours a week and take classes; I can't lack in sleep and go to class, I can't focus on school at work and I can't let the stress of work go because it really effects me so much it sucks the joy out of the rest of my life, let alone a life I am merely hoping to attain.

And I just cry thinking about it all and how terrified I am. Terrified of staying where I am and remaining this unhappy, terrified of trying again because what if it doesn't work? What makes me think I can do this?

To top it all off I just feel alone. I realize there are other diabetics out there, other amazing people who have overcome a ton of obstacles while managing T1 diabetes or any disease or life challenge. What kept them going?

Thats some of the smoke emitted from the burning thoughts in my head.


Molly said...

Good job venting. I always find that "getting it out" - no matter how (writing, talking, even moving it into conscious thinking) helps to move forward.

It is terrifying, moving into the unknown, and not knowing if the unknown is going to suck more than the known. I'm one who likes, even counts on, things staying the same. Change is hard for me. I guess I'm really lucky to have people who consistently push me into change, albeit kicking and screaming.

Just breath. Trust. And use your intuition to guide you. Don't overthink things. I've found that what is suppose to happens, does.

And remember that you have a group of OC friends here in town that will support you. (at least, I will!) Email me anytime and I'm happy to meet up with you!

Hang in there.

Molly and Dixie

Scott K. Johnson said...

Yep - count on me too. Anytime you need another "D" ear to listen to you.

I often wonder how the hell we make it through the day - taking care of all the things we need to do (work, family, relationships) AND take care of our diabetes. It's often just too much.

Minnesota Nice said...

Amber, I am so sorry you are doing some hard travelin'. I wish I had all the answers for you.
First, remember that one of the hardest thing about difficult mindstates is the feeling that they are going to last forever. They don't - things change. Sometimes faster than we'd like and sometimes slower.
The thing that's encouraging to me is that your diabetes is under better control. That's huge. If you don't feel well because of high bg, what can you get done - nothing.
You left Hamline because you needed to get your health improved.
And now maybe you're ready for the next step. Sometimes, once we make a firm decision, such as to begin the process at Century, we'll notice more options becoming available. Now I'm not saying that money is gonna fall from the sky (or I'd be pushing everybody out of the way to get it), but maybe some new deal with student loans will make itself known to you - maybe the college has a financial aid dept that can steer you in the right direction.
Don't let yoursef stay in bed - the longer you do it the harder it is to get up - been there, done it, many times over.

I will light my pink candle for you tonight, and hope that things get better soon

Jenny said...

Wow. I understand how you feel. Everyone's given good advice. I just want to let you know am thinking of you and praying you get through all this successfully.