Rant

I am unmotivated at the moment. And unable to fall asleep. Somehow I feel as though this is all tied to diabetes. Is it possible to go through multiple diabetes funks in a year? What about every other month?

Sometimes that is how it goes with my concern for diabetes care. One month I am on top of it and things are smooth sailing. And others just aren't. What if that lasts for more than a few weeks? What if it turns into MULTIPLE months where your diabetes care just isn't up to par? What does that mean?

I keep asking myself that. I keep wondering if others go for extended times where it just doesn't seem possible to keep caring about the CARE of diabetes. Checking, bolusing, re-checking, exercising, checking before, during, and after exercise, not wanting to exercise, not being able to exercise because of a low, not wanting to test, not wanting to eat because it means that you have to test, blous, and test again after 2 hours and maybe do a correction bolus or handle a low. Not wanting to worry and calculate all the individual steps that go into that damn sandwich because bread just so happens to have carbs and depending on what kind of bread that could mean A LOT of carbs or nothing too damaging. Calculating. I feel like I am calculating all the time for this damn disease and for working it into my life.

And always, every minute of the day its there. It doesn't go away; it doesn't take a break even when I am taking one. Yea, I may not want to test or cover for that latte or mocha, but an hour later I sure feel its effects and must do something about it. It seems like even coffee with a little creamer will cause a 60 point jump in my blood sugar, and I end up testing and correcting and spending more time and effort than had I just avoided the damn thing altogether. Is there nothing I can do that diabetes won't catch me at? Even not eating catches up with me and I end up low and resisting the juice because the thought of more juice makes my stomach churn some days.

I feel trapped and cornered. And I know how I got there. I put myself there. See, even when ranting about diabetes there is always that responsibility and guilt that comes with it. My actions dictate my control and my well being. Knowing that, why is it so f-ing hard to do the right actions by my health? I can come up with many excuses, and trust me there are many with all that is going on this semester with work, school and life, but all it boils down to is me. My actions, my care, my diabetes, my mistakes walked me into that corner, just me.

In an earlier post I set up some exercise goals which I am keeping, but it just seems to have caused even more of a diabetes constraint than not working out. I am beginning to feel defeated. I have no conclusions about this, about any of it. I can name a few options that are all very good and valid suggestions, none of which I am motivated to act on. And I am back, facing that corner turning between two walls and not realizing how to back out into normal again.