I am finishing up a medical terminology online course right now and I did something I am not sure I am comfortable with.
I shared that I was type one diabetic.
Is that weird that I felt REALLY uncomfortable typing that in one of the discussions? I feared what they would think. That they would automatically assume my reaction to the "Why would a 14 year old with T1 skip their injections?" discussion was biased (okay it may have been, but really who knows better than one who has lived with it??). And I avoided sharing that I have T1 diabetes as long as possible for the same reason, that my views would be discredited because I live with a chronic condition and therefore am to close to see the situation clearly. Which led me to ask, "Am I?"
I do a lot of things and believe a lot of things because I have type one diabetes. I support stem cell research (in general, conducted in a moral way) because I want the chance to find a cure. I am more conscientious of what I eat because of what the food can do to my blood sugar. I am intensely interested in endocrinology because of diabetes. I have a profound respect for doctors and nurses. I empathize with kids diagnosed with any condition. And these last four things are where things get fuzzy, is that because of me or because of the me I am due to diabetes. They are so hard to separate!
So when it comes to health care and opinions, I ask and worry, "Am I too close to my own disease to be able to work in the field?" Which then leads to the question, "How do I ensure my diabetes isn't what is seen instead of myself?"
Its very different sharing my disease with someone sitting across from me than sharing it with an unknown class of "someones". Even face to face there are so many misconceptions about diabetes. I know I just need to breathe, relax and realize that in the end its OK I shared my disease with the students in the course. Not everyone imposes judgements, and in fact, most of these students are going into nursing for the very same reasons I am, to make a difference, to help others.
I still feel exposed. I guess that's something I will have to become more comfortable with, sharing this with peers in or going into health care. Slowly, one breath at a time.
6.28.2008
6.05.2008
Silent all these ... Months
So there has been a lot going on and blogging went to the wayside, but I've been itching to write again and what better a time than on a gray, thunderstorm day in MN when summer should be in full swing!?!
(outside of Caribou Coffee on Lexington in Roseville; the thunderstorm was not in full swing when I took this and no, neither car is mine, I am not sure whose they are)
Yes, it is raining here in MN and I have to say, quickly, that I adore thunderstorms! While driving in them is never fun everything else is: watching them, running in them, trying to stay dry when there is no chance in hell you can, seeing the lightening and counting the seconds for the thunder FUN FUN FUN. Whew, okay, now that thunderstorm love is out of my system...
So the spring semester ended 3 weeks ago. It took a lot of studying and relaxing but I finally did something I have never done before - working full time and all As in my courses. I was ecstatic when I saw my final grade in anatomy & physiology and a smile was on my face...well even now!
After the end of spring semester I had a week off before summer started, which I used to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Ugg! I hope to avoid getting a tooth pulled ever again. I am still suffering from "tooth" aches during the healing process and can't wait for the sockets to be fully healed. I had a bad time with the oral surgeon for a time after the teeth were pulled but now that its done I am pleased that I will never have to see him again and good riddance!
There have been a lot things that I wanted to blog about but never got to so this is going to be a purge of all those things. Last March I had my A1c tested again, and it wasn't as good as it was in December. After spending all of 2007 with an A1c under 7 it jumped back up in March to 7.3 and I was disappointed but prepared for that as the first three months of the year were so packed with work, school and training to be a CNA. Since then though I noticed I didn't want to tell anyone, didn't want to update my profile on TuDiabetes with my new number, didn't want to talk about it.
I find it interesting how one small change can take all my hard work and make it feel pointless. I was disappointed that I couldn't keep my A1c under 7 during times of stress and upset to think that maybe I need to accept that when things are super scheduled for me diabetes control will be harder to keep in check. At the end of this month I have another A1c lab scheduled and I have that same feeling, its going to be in the 7s floating higher than I want it to be. A lot of times I take results to heart more than I should, and I know this yet I still let a relatively "good" A1c drag me down. I start doubting my self and my abilities with care and then it spills over to other things like when I see that pile of books still in my back seat and taunting me daily that I never put them away, is this a trend in my life that I am uncontrolled and unorganized in general, like my A1c results say? Why is it that for me an A1c result that isn't under 7 makes me a "bad" person? And am I the only one who thinks these things about their diabetes control also determining the person they are?
I spent so many years away from diabetes. Not the disease but the act of caring for it, keeping it in the foreground vs. the background, talking about it, sharing it, hearing other people's stories about it; now I've done a 180 where, if not daily then at least once or twice a week I need to get my fill. To see where other people are at, read over the blogs of people going through exactly what I go through and feel more sane, see that I am not the only one, and I think for that brief moment, "Its OK, we all get upset at our control, even if its really good. There are always frustrations."
And then I pause. Stop. Think again.
There are always frustrations. There are always frustrations. Don't diabetics have a right to live a day with out frustrations? Don't I deserve a day with out frustrations, with out stereotypes about my life style, age, height and weight, the constant check list of diabetes related concerns that can come up? I can't imagine it. I can't. I know that things go smoothly with diabetes from personal experience and of course other people blogging about it. But what if? What if?
Lately I have been asking these questions and getting the strong desire to help, to make a difference in type one diabetes care, to help kids, start a MN support group, create a commercial about diabetes and our needs and rights to research that could potentially give us a cure. SOMETHING. I even have a song picked out and ideas of the scripting that would be used and the images displayed to reach out to other diabetics and to encourage people to know about diabetes and care about finding a cure, raising the funds needed for research. But I have been very motivated in my mind and less motivated in action. And that's OK. It isn't as though I am sitting around not doing anything. I just want to find a way to do more but not overwhelm my self as I must get through school.
So, I am looking at changing careers hoping to find a part time or 3/4 time CNA job in a hospital. I am thinking of how I can create this "commercial" (which in reality would be just a little video clip that me and some friends edit) in time for next years Raise Your Voice for Type One Diabetes awareness day. I have a few friends who are more savvy with computers and videos than I am, but I don't know much about rights and if I can use the song I want to use for a personal video that I put on my blog or YouTube or how that works. And that just leaves a support group. I know everyone is busy but if anyone in MN wants to do a MN meet & greet for bloggers or just people with diabetes looking for support I am all for it. Email me, leave a comment if you know of such a group, or if you are interested in setting up anything let me know; I'm willing to help.
That's about it for now. Summer session is in full swing. I am taking an online course through the rest of this month, medical terminology. And in July I start physical geography and medical dosages. If I do well in these classes all the more chance I have of getting accepted into the nursing program next Fall or Spring.
I am serious about the meet and greet idea too, so let me know! I may not be that up on posting blogs but I am all about events so bring on the ideas and lets plan something!
(outside of Caribou Coffee on Lexington in Roseville; the thunderstorm was not in full swing when I took this and no, neither car is mine, I am not sure whose they are)
Yes, it is raining here in MN and I have to say, quickly, that I adore thunderstorms! While driving in them is never fun everything else is: watching them, running in them, trying to stay dry when there is no chance in hell you can, seeing the lightening and counting the seconds for the thunder FUN FUN FUN. Whew, okay, now that thunderstorm love is out of my system...
So the spring semester ended 3 weeks ago. It took a lot of studying and relaxing but I finally did something I have never done before - working full time and all As in my courses. I was ecstatic when I saw my final grade in anatomy & physiology and a smile was on my face...well even now!
After the end of spring semester I had a week off before summer started, which I used to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Ugg! I hope to avoid getting a tooth pulled ever again. I am still suffering from "tooth" aches during the healing process and can't wait for the sockets to be fully healed. I had a bad time with the oral surgeon for a time after the teeth were pulled but now that its done I am pleased that I will never have to see him again and good riddance!
There have been a lot things that I wanted to blog about but never got to so this is going to be a purge of all those things. Last March I had my A1c tested again, and it wasn't as good as it was in December. After spending all of 2007 with an A1c under 7 it jumped back up in March to 7.3 and I was disappointed but prepared for that as the first three months of the year were so packed with work, school and training to be a CNA. Since then though I noticed I didn't want to tell anyone, didn't want to update my profile on TuDiabetes with my new number, didn't want to talk about it.
I find it interesting how one small change can take all my hard work and make it feel pointless. I was disappointed that I couldn't keep my A1c under 7 during times of stress and upset to think that maybe I need to accept that when things are super scheduled for me diabetes control will be harder to keep in check. At the end of this month I have another A1c lab scheduled and I have that same feeling, its going to be in the 7s floating higher than I want it to be. A lot of times I take results to heart more than I should, and I know this yet I still let a relatively "good" A1c drag me down. I start doubting my self and my abilities with care and then it spills over to other things like when I see that pile of books still in my back seat and taunting me daily that I never put them away, is this a trend in my life that I am uncontrolled and unorganized in general, like my A1c results say? Why is it that for me an A1c result that isn't under 7 makes me a "bad" person? And am I the only one who thinks these things about their diabetes control also determining the person they are?
I spent so many years away from diabetes. Not the disease but the act of caring for it, keeping it in the foreground vs. the background, talking about it, sharing it, hearing other people's stories about it; now I've done a 180 where, if not daily then at least once or twice a week I need to get my fill. To see where other people are at, read over the blogs of people going through exactly what I go through and feel more sane, see that I am not the only one, and I think for that brief moment, "Its OK, we all get upset at our control, even if its really good. There are always frustrations."
And then I pause. Stop. Think again.
There are always frustrations. There are always frustrations. Don't diabetics have a right to live a day with out frustrations? Don't I deserve a day with out frustrations, with out stereotypes about my life style, age, height and weight, the constant check list of diabetes related concerns that can come up? I can't imagine it. I can't. I know that things go smoothly with diabetes from personal experience and of course other people blogging about it. But what if? What if?
Lately I have been asking these questions and getting the strong desire to help, to make a difference in type one diabetes care, to help kids, start a MN support group, create a commercial about diabetes and our needs and rights to research that could potentially give us a cure. SOMETHING. I even have a song picked out and ideas of the scripting that would be used and the images displayed to reach out to other diabetics and to encourage people to know about diabetes and care about finding a cure, raising the funds needed for research. But I have been very motivated in my mind and less motivated in action. And that's OK. It isn't as though I am sitting around not doing anything. I just want to find a way to do more but not overwhelm my self as I must get through school.
So, I am looking at changing careers hoping to find a part time or 3/4 time CNA job in a hospital. I am thinking of how I can create this "commercial" (which in reality would be just a little video clip that me and some friends edit) in time for next years Raise Your Voice for Type One Diabetes awareness day. I have a few friends who are more savvy with computers and videos than I am, but I don't know much about rights and if I can use the song I want to use for a personal video that I put on my blog or YouTube or how that works. And that just leaves a support group. I know everyone is busy but if anyone in MN wants to do a MN meet & greet for bloggers or just people with diabetes looking for support I am all for it. Email me, leave a comment if you know of such a group, or if you are interested in setting up anything let me know; I'm willing to help.
That's about it for now. Summer session is in full swing. I am taking an online course through the rest of this month, medical terminology. And in July I start physical geography and medical dosages. If I do well in these classes all the more chance I have of getting accepted into the nursing program next Fall or Spring.
I am serious about the meet and greet idea too, so let me know! I may not be that up on posting blogs but I am all about events so bring on the ideas and lets plan something!
4.14.2008
Raise Your Voice Type One Diabetes!
I have type one diabetes. I was diagnosed December 7th 1991, two months after my 9th birthday. I remember very little about being diagnosed. I remember I was sick, and that the days before my Mom brought me into the hospital I was refusing to eat anything because I was so thirsty. I vaguely remember my Mom offering me a bowl of cereal and I drank the milk, said I was "done", walked off, and I heard her say, "Amber, you didn't EAT it!" in exasperation. I remember she was trying everything she could to get food in me.
I, like a lot of T1 diagnosed in childhood, thought I merely had the flu, as did my Mom. But after two weeks my Mom was getting concerned, as this wasn't a normal kind of flu. I hadn't eaten in a long time, but I was still throwing up and had collapsed in the bathroom after a vomiting fit. So my Mom brought me to the emergency room at Children's hospital in St. Paul, MN.
What I remember of the hospital is a combination of memory and created memories from what my Mom has told me. My Mom fully thinks thinks I couldn't remember anything because I quickly slipped into a coma after being admitted. But there is this one image in my mind that is so strong I wonder if it isn't real. I remember getting to the hospital and immediately being into a room and laying down in "anatomical position" because there were so many people poking me trying to get blood. I didn't feel the needles, and didn't know why it was so bad that they couldn't get my blood.
My Mom was in a chair next to the bed on my right, and she was crying. She said something about them poking me so much and I said, "Its OK Mom." Then that's it. That's all I remember about my diagnosis. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I didn't remember much because I slipped into a coma.
I think my Mom kept that from me to simplify my disease, but also because I think she feels guilty. Three days before she brought me into the hospital she was in a bad car crash so we were both home sick, and she told me just today that she was trying to care for me with out having to go to the ER. She was all black and blue from the crash, literally. She looked like a human raccoon with deep black circles under her eyes, and bruises down her body. I think she also had a broken nose.
When I think about the emotional pain this disease has brought me and my family that's what tightens my throat and causes tears to well in my eyes. Diabetes doesn't just make my life a constant balance act, it extends its grasp of worry and fear to my Mom, Step Dad, sister, significant other, and close friends. If you know me, you know I think about it all the time and you know that some days I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be on a balance beam all the time.
And while this is MY disease to battle, those who care about me battle the worry that one day the obstacles won't be in my favor. And that isn't fair. It isn't fair that not only do I worry about complications but that everyone I love does too. I know thats how it works when you love someone, but the fact that its TYPE ONE diabetes that does this, how it reaches everyone not only the person being diagnosed, its THAT which is painful.
For all their love and support I am thankful. I couldn't do it everyday with out them. For my Mom, who bears too much worry, I am thankful. For all mothers and fathers who have children with type one diabetes, and people who support someone with T1 diabetes I want to thank them because your love and support make it possible to manage this crappy disease.
There are a lot of things we can talk about today on why type one needs its own day for awareness. I am all about our own day. As is my Mom, Step Dad, sister, boyfriend, and close friends. We all know why Type One awareess is important and are talking about the difference at each chance. Today and for days to come.
I, like a lot of T1 diagnosed in childhood, thought I merely had the flu, as did my Mom. But after two weeks my Mom was getting concerned, as this wasn't a normal kind of flu. I hadn't eaten in a long time, but I was still throwing up and had collapsed in the bathroom after a vomiting fit. So my Mom brought me to the emergency room at Children's hospital in St. Paul, MN.
What I remember of the hospital is a combination of memory and created memories from what my Mom has told me. My Mom fully thinks thinks I couldn't remember anything because I quickly slipped into a coma after being admitted. But there is this one image in my mind that is so strong I wonder if it isn't real. I remember getting to the hospital and immediately being into a room and laying down in "anatomical position" because there were so many people poking me trying to get blood. I didn't feel the needles, and didn't know why it was so bad that they couldn't get my blood.
My Mom was in a chair next to the bed on my right, and she was crying. She said something about them poking me so much and I said, "Its OK Mom." Then that's it. That's all I remember about my diagnosis. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I didn't remember much because I slipped into a coma.
I think my Mom kept that from me to simplify my disease, but also because I think she feels guilty. Three days before she brought me into the hospital she was in a bad car crash so we were both home sick, and she told me just today that she was trying to care for me with out having to go to the ER. She was all black and blue from the crash, literally. She looked like a human raccoon with deep black circles under her eyes, and bruises down her body. I think she also had a broken nose.
When I think about the emotional pain this disease has brought me and my family that's what tightens my throat and causes tears to well in my eyes. Diabetes doesn't just make my life a constant balance act, it extends its grasp of worry and fear to my Mom, Step Dad, sister, significant other, and close friends. If you know me, you know I think about it all the time and you know that some days I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be on a balance beam all the time.
And while this is MY disease to battle, those who care about me battle the worry that one day the obstacles won't be in my favor. And that isn't fair. It isn't fair that not only do I worry about complications but that everyone I love does too. I know thats how it works when you love someone, but the fact that its TYPE ONE diabetes that does this, how it reaches everyone not only the person being diagnosed, its THAT which is painful.
For all their love and support I am thankful. I couldn't do it everyday with out them. For my Mom, who bears too much worry, I am thankful. For all mothers and fathers who have children with type one diabetes, and people who support someone with T1 diabetes I want to thank them because your love and support make it possible to manage this crappy disease.
There are a lot of things we can talk about today on why type one needs its own day for awareness. I am all about our own day. As is my Mom, Step Dad, sister, boyfriend, and close friends. We all know why Type One awareess is important and are talking about the difference at each chance. Today and for days to come.
4.08.2008
My logo
So I didn't win but I am still proud of my little sketch I produced for Kerri's Type One Diabetes Awareness "Raise Your Voice" logo contest and thought I should share it. I have no idea how to create a digital image and am terrible at drawing, so for me this was challenging indeed! I loved taking part though, and really liked all the logo's submitted. So here is my little pride and joy from this contest:
Go check out the winner !! There are also some sweet T shirts, buttons and magnets with the winning logo on it that you can order to show your support .
Participating in the logo contest gave me a chance to blab to everyone around me about Type One diabetes, why we need our own day for awareness, and what is the difference anyway. That alone was very fulfilling for me because by speading the word I felt like I was making a bit of a difference, all be it with only those who are friends, family, or co-workers.
Monday April 14th is a day to Raise Your Voice for Type One diabetes awareness. I am all hyped up working on a good blog to post that day, and I am excited to show my support by wearing one of those awesome t-shirts!
Yay for diabetes awareness!! And thank you Kerri for this fun contest!!
3.11.2008
Mids
So this week is a crazy week. Its the week of mid-terms at Century College. I have known about this week for the past 7 weeks but still seem to be a little thrown off by how much really is going on. Let me just rant a little about what is being served this week in the life of Amber.
To begin its the last week of my nursing assistant course and we had our last classroom session Monday night. This morning I had a lab test for my anatomy & physiology class (which I just found out I didn't do so hot on boo!), and in about two hours I have my first of two clinical days needed for the nursing assistant certification. Our clinical is expected to be over with at 11:30 tonight. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, its up and at 'em for A&P at 7:30, off to work until 7, meeting with a study group for A&P at 7:30 until 9:30 although I will probably stay and study solo for another hour just because I really need to get all the study hours that I can. Thursday I have my second day of clinical from 2:30 -11:30pm (the morning which will be spent studying for A&P because on Friday we have our mid-term, also bright and early at 7:30 am. Somewhere between now and Saturday afternoon I also need to write a 4 - 6 page paper analyzing the film Billy Elliot and how it relates to interpersonal communication.
ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!
I feel a little insane today and writing about it really helps, so here I am taking a little breather from studying and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
Fortunately after this week things will get a lot better for my A&P class; I will have an extra 8 hours a week to devote to studying for it because of the nursing assistant course being over with. Yay! I made it through the first 8 weeks of this semester working full time and trying to do way too much and I am still getting good grades. Here is the concern though, and its always the concern. Diabetes.
I was having a big problem with random lows, and to help with that I dramatically changed my basal rates, and began using the CGMS as much as I can take. I told my doctor I would rather be constantly correcting for a high than worrying about a low. And of course it seems like that has been whats going on. I have been correcting highs, not having very many lows. Now when I say "highs" I don't mean in the 300's or even the upper 200's. But there have definately been more low 200s and upper 100s glucose test results than I'd prefer, and I am worried that my A1c will be back over 7 where I don't want it to be. I will find out at the end of the month what the past semester and basal rate change has done to my A1c. I know if its over 7 I can get it back down. I guess I just want to know that I can manage a hectic life for a short period of time and somehow, maybe with a little bit of magic, keep my diabetes in good control.
I have always been really bad at keeping it controlled under a lot of stress and have always wondered how other T1 diabetics managed life and college and diabetes. Did you give up something, take a lighter course load, work fewer hours? How did you cope? How did you manage it??
I don't know; it isn't really bad. I am not falling into a depression or crying spells, but I can't deny the pessure and mild panic I feel right now.
A lot of the coping strategies I am using I often wish I had the wisdom to use them first time around when I started college right out of high school: know when to ask for help, know my limits, and never, ever let diabetes get the better of me. If its one bad day of blood sugars remind myself that it can be managed, and tomorrow will be better. And its OK that things don't go as planned.
So here's to good studying the next few days! And if anyone has suggestions of what got you through the crazy times in life for you please let me know!
To begin its the last week of my nursing assistant course and we had our last classroom session Monday night. This morning I had a lab test for my anatomy & physiology class (which I just found out I didn't do so hot on boo!), and in about two hours I have my first of two clinical days needed for the nursing assistant certification. Our clinical is expected to be over with at 11:30 tonight. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, its up and at 'em for A&P at 7:30, off to work until 7, meeting with a study group for A&P at 7:30 until 9:30 although I will probably stay and study solo for another hour just because I really need to get all the study hours that I can. Thursday I have my second day of clinical from 2:30 -11:30pm (the morning which will be spent studying for A&P because on Friday we have our mid-term, also bright and early at 7:30 am. Somewhere between now and Saturday afternoon I also need to write a 4 - 6 page paper analyzing the film Billy Elliot and how it relates to interpersonal communication.
ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!
I feel a little insane today and writing about it really helps, so here I am taking a little breather from studying and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
Fortunately after this week things will get a lot better for my A&P class; I will have an extra 8 hours a week to devote to studying for it because of the nursing assistant course being over with. Yay! I made it through the first 8 weeks of this semester working full time and trying to do way too much and I am still getting good grades. Here is the concern though, and its always the concern. Diabetes.
I was having a big problem with random lows, and to help with that I dramatically changed my basal rates, and began using the CGMS as much as I can take. I told my doctor I would rather be constantly correcting for a high than worrying about a low. And of course it seems like that has been whats going on. I have been correcting highs, not having very many lows. Now when I say "highs" I don't mean in the 300's or even the upper 200's. But there have definately been more low 200s and upper 100s glucose test results than I'd prefer, and I am worried that my A1c will be back over 7 where I don't want it to be. I will find out at the end of the month what the past semester and basal rate change has done to my A1c. I know if its over 7 I can get it back down. I guess I just want to know that I can manage a hectic life for a short period of time and somehow, maybe with a little bit of magic, keep my diabetes in good control.
I have always been really bad at keeping it controlled under a lot of stress and have always wondered how other T1 diabetics managed life and college and diabetes. Did you give up something, take a lighter course load, work fewer hours? How did you cope? How did you manage it??
I don't know; it isn't really bad. I am not falling into a depression or crying spells, but I can't deny the pessure and mild panic I feel right now.
A lot of the coping strategies I am using I often wish I had the wisdom to use them first time around when I started college right out of high school: know when to ask for help, know my limits, and never, ever let diabetes get the better of me. If its one bad day of blood sugars remind myself that it can be managed, and tomorrow will be better. And its OK that things don't go as planned.
So here's to good studying the next few days! And if anyone has suggestions of what got you through the crazy times in life for you please let me know!
1.18.2008
whew, what a ride!
This week started my first week back to college for Spring semester. Already I feel a mess. My sleep schedule is all off, my work week is different from what it's been for four and a half months and all of this shows in my mood and my work performance. It hasn't hit my diabetes, yet.
And thats the thing about diabetes isn't it? So often I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and cause complete and utter chaos in my life.
I feel like I try to explain that to people and it doesn't sink in. I can be on top of my school work, getting to work, doing well in all other areas of my life despite the sleep deprivaton and I can rest assred that at least those things I am on top of. But diabetes, that tricky little bastard, I never feel that way with it. I never feel like it will be okay, and in fact it only feels more out of control as my stress level goes up (even if that isn't true).
It taunts me in my sleep telling me to get up and treat a low, at work after a stressful call sent my sugar went from 130 to 190 in minutes with no food or drink, as I am leaving work and dropping because I studied over lunch instead of ate, it just taunts me and wears on me and makes all that other stress seem so much worse than it really is.
So often I hear from people with type 2 say, "It doesn't really affect me much. I take my pills/shots, maybe I drink more or pee more but thats it." and I get quizzical looks as to why diabetes, of all things, drives me to tears, anger and exhaustion when its just an extra trip to the bathroom for some. I just want to say at the top of my lungs, "TYPE ONE IS DIFFERENT THAN TYPE TWO! COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"
I do wonder what it would be like having type two. I am sure that there are a whole new set of concerns and complications that I'm ignorant to. I still feel alone with my disease and frustrated at my battles being identified as the same battles as a person with type two. So it goes, the constant battle for understanding, but I digress...
This morning at 9am after class I felt on top of the world and thought that maybe I could really do this crazy work and school schedule afterall. Then started the high/low hills and emotionally I've hit bottom even while my blood sugar runs high.
Whew. Now that I've ranted a bit I do feel better. Isn't that strange how typing about a bad or stressful day can feel so good?
Love it while it lasted. Thats what I did for three wonderful weeks after finals. LOVED the reduction of stress, the increase of sleep, the feeling that I can be a good employee again. The feeling I can even be a good student as I got great grades last semester (yay!). It was wonderful, but it didn't last. Boo.
Yawn. Work day is wrapping up and with school this morning it has been a long day. Nite folks.
And thats the thing about diabetes isn't it? So often I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and cause complete and utter chaos in my life.
I feel like I try to explain that to people and it doesn't sink in. I can be on top of my school work, getting to work, doing well in all other areas of my life despite the sleep deprivaton and I can rest assred that at least those things I am on top of. But diabetes, that tricky little bastard, I never feel that way with it. I never feel like it will be okay, and in fact it only feels more out of control as my stress level goes up (even if that isn't true).
It taunts me in my sleep telling me to get up and treat a low, at work after a stressful call sent my sugar went from 130 to 190 in minutes with no food or drink, as I am leaving work and dropping because I studied over lunch instead of ate, it just taunts me and wears on me and makes all that other stress seem so much worse than it really is.
So often I hear from people with type 2 say, "It doesn't really affect me much. I take my pills/shots, maybe I drink more or pee more but thats it." and I get quizzical looks as to why diabetes, of all things, drives me to tears, anger and exhaustion when its just an extra trip to the bathroom for some. I just want to say at the top of my lungs, "TYPE ONE IS DIFFERENT THAN TYPE TWO! COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"
I do wonder what it would be like having type two. I am sure that there are a whole new set of concerns and complications that I'm ignorant to. I still feel alone with my disease and frustrated at my battles being identified as the same battles as a person with type two. So it goes, the constant battle for understanding, but I digress...
This morning at 9am after class I felt on top of the world and thought that maybe I could really do this crazy work and school schedule afterall. Then started the high/low hills and emotionally I've hit bottom even while my blood sugar runs high.
Whew. Now that I've ranted a bit I do feel better. Isn't that strange how typing about a bad or stressful day can feel so good?
Love it while it lasted. Thats what I did for three wonderful weeks after finals. LOVED the reduction of stress, the increase of sleep, the feeling that I can be a good employee again. The feeling I can even be a good student as I got great grades last semester (yay!). It was wonderful, but it didn't last. Boo.
Yawn. Work day is wrapping up and with school this morning it has been a long day. Nite folks.
11.20.2007
Meme time
Returning after days of exhaustion and studying to post the 7 random things about me meme. Thanks Bernard for tagging me!
So completely random fact 1)
I attended a private high school in the heart of Minneapolis, Minnesota my sophomore year in high school, De La Salle. It was a great experience but I didn't graduate from De for many reasons. But I did seek out that learning environment completely on my own and gained acceptance thanks to great recommendation letters from all my teachers from 7th to 9th grade.
Random thing 2)
I am nicer and more affectionate towards others when my blood sugar is low. Not sure why or when the low turns scary and this surge of nice-ness leaves; but its something I've noticed as has my beau.
Random fact 3)
I not only like the random, not so great movie every now and then, but I also have an odd addiction to reality tv shows, but only the terrible ones. Sunset Tan on the E! station is the first one that comes to mind, anything on E! that's a reality show I can zone out to and most of the MTV reality shows. This is really new to my life as recently as this summer so maybe that won't last. I only watch them when channel surfing and it isn't that big of a concern to me time wise, but I can and do watch them when I am bored. (like that makes it any better...)
Fact 4)
I don't enjoy living in the heart of a city. I would rather live in the suburbs than in the city. Its too loud and busy for my daily tastes. Once in a while its good, or even working in the city is fine, but take me home to land, quiet and open skies and I am happier.
Fact 5)
If I were to get another kitten I would be very fine with naming it Ginny. Jason doesn't like the idea though. I have to work on my suggestion skills some more...
Random Fact 6)
I am not a morning person. Getting up and ready before 8 is damn near impossible for me. I can go all day sleep deprived and stay up late. But get me up early and expect me to look presentable? Not happening. Or not that often.
Fact 7)
My favorite color at this very moment is sage.
So, there they be. The rules of this meme are:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.
I am tagging Jenny, and Sasha, Nikki, Wil, and anyone else who may not have been tagged yet as I keep finding those who have! Nite folks!
So completely random fact 1)
I attended a private high school in the heart of Minneapolis, Minnesota my sophomore year in high school, De La Salle. It was a great experience but I didn't graduate from De for many reasons. But I did seek out that learning environment completely on my own and gained acceptance thanks to great recommendation letters from all my teachers from 7th to 9th grade.
Random thing 2)
I am nicer and more affectionate towards others when my blood sugar is low. Not sure why or when the low turns scary and this surge of nice-ness leaves; but its something I've noticed as has my beau.
Random fact 3)
I not only like the random, not so great movie every now and then, but I also have an odd addiction to reality tv shows, but only the terrible ones. Sunset Tan on the E! station is the first one that comes to mind, anything on E! that's a reality show I can zone out to and most of the MTV reality shows. This is really new to my life as recently as this summer so maybe that won't last. I only watch them when channel surfing and it isn't that big of a concern to me time wise, but I can and do watch them when I am bored. (like that makes it any better...)
Fact 4)
I don't enjoy living in the heart of a city. I would rather live in the suburbs than in the city. Its too loud and busy for my daily tastes. Once in a while its good, or even working in the city is fine, but take me home to land, quiet and open skies and I am happier.
Fact 5)
If I were to get another kitten I would be very fine with naming it Ginny. Jason doesn't like the idea though. I have to work on my suggestion skills some more...
Random Fact 6)
I am not a morning person. Getting up and ready before 8 is damn near impossible for me. I can go all day sleep deprived and stay up late. But get me up early and expect me to look presentable? Not happening. Or not that often.
Fact 7)
My favorite color at this very moment is sage.
So, there they be. The rules of this meme are:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.
I am tagging Jenny, and Sasha, Nikki, Wil, and anyone else who may not have been tagged yet as I keep finding those who have! Nite folks!
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