Pump and Pills with formatting issues

I keep trying to get the format of this post just right but it simply isn't working. So here goes! Sorry for the odd spacing!

So I have been on the new Minimed Paradigm CGM sensor and pump for nearly 4 weeks now. Let me just say, this thing is awesome! I have figured out when is a good time to calibrate it and when it isn't, what time of day to start the sensor, and even what days of the week work best for me when starting or changing the sensor. I am still working on the first day because it seems to have extra calibrations worked into that first day and sometimes it is hard to find a "good" time to calibrate either because of a low or the fact that I just ate and my blood sugar is going up. That'll smooth out over time though.

Somethings that I don't like about the sensor are if it has a weak signal for too long (and I forget the actual length of time) you have to restart with a 3-hour wait again. Thats a little dissapointing especially if it happens in the first 6 hours of the sensor. Also I still haven't figured out a good place to attach the sensor. My body and the equipment seem to respond best to my obliques, but my sense of fashion doesn't like this. Lastly, the sensor has actually been great about notifying me of a low but highs it seems to miss all together. I will check the pump screen to see what the sensor says and test only to find out that I'm in the 200's, a sharp contrast to the 140 the sensor says.

Overall though I am really liking it! If anyone has any suggestions on the calibration or good sites that work for you I'd really appreciate it.

The Diabetes Expo is in town this Saturday. I am excited to go and see some of the new products offered as well as the presentations. Unfortunately because of class I will miss out on the morning altogether, but the afternoon looks promising.

I have started two new medications for cholestrol and blood pressure in the last month too. The blood pressure pill is mainly a precaution. Over the last year I have noticed that my blood pressure is testing higher and higher when ever I visit the doctor. I am really scared about developing hypertension . It was actually ironic when I told my Endo this, because for the past 9 months he has been telling me to take a pill for cholestrol and I resisted him entirely. I think initially in February the conversation went something like this:

Doctor B - "Okay Amber we need to get you on a cholestrol pill."

me - "Ahh, no, I don't think so." (with a smile)

Doctor B - "Really, why don't you think so?"

me - "Give me 3 months to really crack down on diet and exercise and I bet my cholestrol will be better."

Three months later -

Doctor B - "So, you really need to take a cholestrol pill."

me - "Are you sure?"

Fortunately I have a great doctor and he doens't get mad at me but just laughs, which makes me laugh because I know he can tell I am really resistant to this.

Doctor B - "Yes, Amber. Why are you so against this pill?"

A great question! Why am I? I thought about it for a while.

me - "Its like a life sentence, once I start taking it I have to continue. Its just another thing that I have to continue to do to manage this disease. But if I can better my habits or my life style and naturally lower my cholestrol I would like to do that than taking a pill."

Doctor B - "And how has that been going? Are you exercising frequently?"

me - "No, not consistently, but its been really difficult!"

My Endo smiled, and nodded in agreement. It is difficult to form that habit if it isn't there, even if you do exercise regularly continuing to do so is also a challenge.Then he said something that has really stuck with me.

Doctor B - "Amber your diabetes is great in all areas. As a non-diabetic, I wouldn't be concerned about your cholestrol. As a diabetic though, that is the one thing that is preventing you from having great management."

He gave me a prescription, I held onto it, finally filled it weeks after seeing him and groaned to discover how TINY the pill was and that the pharmacy gave me a pill that I had to cut in half. I didn't have a pill cutter. Guess how long it took me to get one?

Three months later -

I send him an email before my third endo appointment this year to ask about labs and if I could get them done before my appointment. "Oh and by the way, I didn't start taking that prescription you gave me three months ago, I just now got a pill cutter."

I fought him for 9 months over that damn pill. Needless to say he was shocked when I mentioned that I thought I was pre-hypertension. After looking at my chart he noticed the trend too and sighed to have to give me another pill Rx.

A little side note, I really like my endo. He is great, lets me email him concerns and always seems to know the right question to ask and the right encouragement to give. When I brought up the pre-hypertension thought I was fearing, I didn't expect a pill. I was just as shocked as I am sure he was when he handed it to me.

But then he asked, "Why is it that I had to fight you to take a cholestrol pill, but you are willingly taking a hypertension pill?"

I wanted to cry because that is a great question to ask. And all I could say was, "Because I am scared. Scared of what not treating it can do. And I still haven't been exercising regularly."

I really feel defeated when I think about those pills. Insulin I can handle, that makes sense to me, these pills just seem to confirm my bad habits. Damn.

Lastly its was CSR appreciation last week at work. Me and five of my co-workers dressed up as the female village people for our 70's day on Friday!

Then after wards I went bowling with friends and that was awesome!! Here is me, Nichole and Becca who put together the evening activities or dinner after work and bowling (Becca was the cop in the Village Veople).

Even though apparently I can't bowl, but that is a different story!

Finally...

So there are a lot of new things going on.

I started going back to school (part time) for nursing and classes started this week. I think I may have found something I can attend school for and be successful at while working and managing good diabetes control. I'm trying to take it one assignment at a time so as to not overwhelm my self.

This Thursday the sensors for the MiniMed Paradigm CGMS will arrive after a long wait of nearly 4 weeks since order. I CAN'T WAIT to get started on the CGMS. YAY!!!
And I just saw on MiniMed's site that they have signed a deal with LifeScan for a new glucometer that will work with their pumps and the CGMS which will be released in early 2008 (cross our fingers). My first meter was a One Touch and I have always preferred LifeScan meters over other brands. When I got the pump I switched to the BD meter that worked with it and was sad to say good-bye to my OneTouch. Exciting that we will be reunited next year

So, good news! I'll update on the new CGMS after the classes and I start using it. (So excited for that day!)

"...Its my dreams you take"

I've been quiet lately, not between my beau and I, no, but on a whole quiet. I feel the need to spill those thoughts that I have been silencing in my head. Yet another thing I am sorry for, these terrible thoughts. The lack of belief, faith in anyone, especially myself.

God, depression, it hurts so much and yet seems to stem with absence. I am reminded of the novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being. How sometimes the lightness of being is so freeing and yet such a crushing freedom to some at the same time. Depression is never freeing, yet I find it to be especially crushing. Some days I just want to sleep, keep those heavy lids closed to the world because finding the joy is difficult lately. I am forced to ask my self if this is how I will always think, is this how I will always feel, will it never go away and most importantly, how can I make it stop?

I have never been good at editorials or expressing my opinions. Ask my opinion and I will try to find the least offensive answer, but there in lies the problem, an opinion isn't an answer. The topics from which you will get a straight opinion out of me are health and education. Yet I have so little to offer to these topics! I ask myself what words of wisdom can I share, what great experiences do I have that will enlighten others, help others? I look at my experiences with a deep regret and sadness. Very few experiences am I happy I had the chance to have. Yet all of them were found from seeking a dream I held close to my heart.

I have tried so many times at college, none with success. Hamline went OK the first year, but I drove myself insane and my A1c was so high, 17, starting my sophomore year at Hamline my doctor told me I had to quit work or school or else I was going to end up killing myself. So I left Hamline, regret number one. The colleges since then have only proven to be worse of an experience, either I dropped my health or dropped my grades or both. Yet college was my dream growing up.

Tomorrow (later today I guess) I am supposed to go to Century College and attend an orientation for their nursing program. Slowly reality is beginning to hit me though. What makes now any different than the other failed attempts? In reality I am a in a far worse situation to go back to school. My diabetes is finally good, true, but my finances are shot to hell and my car isn't working. My credit it terrible and I live paycheck to paycheck with little or no extra cash from one to the next; unexpected expenses are out of the question. So what am I doing, trying to go back to school? What the fuck am I thinking? I sit here awake though I should be sleeping, trying to decide if its even worth it going to that last minute orientation tomorrow (later today). I said I would go, I took the time off to go. But really, how can I?

I can sense already what it will do. It will inspire me to work hard, it will give me false hope that I am not trapped in corporate America with my care giving nature overlooked, it will make me taste the possibility of a better life. The next day I will go to work and think and ponder over how I will pay for it. Then later this week I will apply for student loans and be denied because of bad credit. I'll try multiple lenders, hoping for a miracle yet fearing the day I will have to pay it back because I struggle with the loans I currently have. Fearing the day where I can't do it all. I can't work 30 hours a week and take classes; I can't lack in sleep and go to class, I can't focus on school at work and I can't let the stress of work go because it really effects me so much it sucks the joy out of the rest of my life, let alone a life I am merely hoping to attain.

And I just cry thinking about it all and how terrified I am. Terrified of staying where I am and remaining this unhappy, terrified of trying again because what if it doesn't work? What makes me think I can do this?

To top it all off I just feel alone. I realize there are other diabetics out there, other amazing people who have overcome a ton of obstacles while managing T1 diabetes or any disease or life challenge. What kept them going?

Thats some of the smoke emitted from the burning thoughts in my head.

What do YOU think? I need some opinions!

Okay I have decided to look into a CGMS system and wanted to know what others thought about the MiniMed paradigm pump/sensor.

I found out my insurance rocks and will cover the cost and supplies 90% but I don't want to invest in it if it turns out it isn't a great product.

So, anyone using a CGMS: what do you like about it, what do you use, what don't you like about it?

I am all ears!!

Sometimes I feel like I should apologize (for who I am).

I am sorry I am a little neurotic and random.
I am sorry that I sometimes have a negative view on life.
I am sorry that I didn't do better in college and am now paying for it.
I am sorry that sometimes my low and high blood sugars control my mood.
I am sorry I suffer from depression, a deep silent killer that wears me down daily, I'm sorry.
I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to see as a teen that I was letting diabetes get the better of me, along with everything else that happened in those years.
I am sorry that I find it hard to manage my diabetes.
I am sorry that I am not better at it.
I am sorry that it can consume me on days and exhaust all of my being.
I am sorry that I detach myself from others because I feel they don't understand.
I am sorry that to the above statement I want to finish with the comment, "But, really, unless you're living it, you don't understand."
I am sorry I don't thank those close to me nearly enough for all your help and all you put up with. I'm working on that.
I am sorry my sister feels she will have to donate a kidney to me one day.
I am sorry my Mom cries when talking about the day I was diagnosed and the worry she feels for me every day.
I am sorry I feel so alone and can't reach out to those closest to me and mend that feeling.
I am sorry I never talked to anyone about it and still find it difficult to do so. I am sorry.

Please forgive me; for all this and any future errors or mistakes I may make. I am only a young woman, trying to find her place in this world and work with her disease. Late is better than never, right?

Late but fun Meme

I may be a few days late but its still fun!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
ugggg, I should do something with my hair

2. How much cash do you have on you?
cash, what cash? I may have some spare change...

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Bore

4. Favorite planet?
Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
KK my sister

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Ringtone 10 - its this odd calming tune, but I don't use it because I'd never realize that my phone was ringing.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Merona scoop neck 3/4 sleeve in cream

8. Do you label yourself?
sometimes yes

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:
Mossimo (what can I say I love Target)

10. Bright or Dark Room?
bright

12. Why is there always a missing question?
what missing question?

13. What does your watch look like?
I actually don't wear a watch, I carry a pump and a cell phone

14. What were you doing at midnight last night?
just getting to bed

15. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"u luv her" from my sister about her cat that leaves evil piles of litter out side the litter box

16. Where is your nearest 7-11?
no clue, do we even have those in MN??

17. What's a word that you say a lot?
particular or really

18. Who told you he/she loved you last?
my madre

19. Last furry thing you touched?
My sister's cat - Peachie!

20. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
good ol' Novolog, I don't think I even took painkillers!

21. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
none, but there are a lot of digital pics that we need to print!

22. Favorite age you have been so far?
24

23. Your worst enemy?
Umm, not sure, maybe my pancreas??

24. What is your current desktop picture?
no pic -- we can't have them at work and my home computer is on the fritz like my car

25. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Thank you for calling, have a nice day"--at work, or in a conversation I willingly started, "yea, the Vikings as people aren't the greatest..."

26. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
I'm going for the "gold"

27. Do you like someone?
Well, I love my BF but I also have this odd facination with my Endo...

28. The last song you listened to?
In Gods Hands by Nelly Furtado

29. What time of day were you born?
4:11am

30. What's your favorite number?
7

31. Where did you live in 1987?
I think West St. Paul, MN in "The Bungalow"

32. Are you jealous of anyone?
Natalie Portman! She is a movie star, beautiful woman and she is now going to an ivy league college; she's got it made.

33. Is anyone jealous of you?
not that I know of, but I couldn't imagine why one would be

34. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In my dorm room just waking up. It was crazy, classes were canceled that day and we sat watching the news and then there was a lot of conversation on who was behind it, why, and the shock.

35. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
try pushing the button multiple times then accept defeat and sigh deeply

36. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes

37. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
on my neck or wrists or by my right hip

38. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French or Latin

39. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes

40. Are you touchy-feely?
Not with people; I am with animals and when I shop, I like to grab things and put them back or admire them

41. What's your life motto?
I don't exactly have one grand sweeping motto for my life, just little motivational boosters

42. Name three things you have on you at all times:
minimed pump/glucometer, ID, my WF Visa Debit Card

43. What's your favorite town/city?
I really liked Salem and Boston!

44. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Diet Coke from vending machine at work. Other wise, I paid my sister in cash for our shared car insurance last month

45. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
at the end of my junior year in high school ...

46. Can you change the oil on a car?
no, probably not, it seems simple enough but I tend to break things and I'd hate to mess things up (more) with my car!

47. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Still with him - He just told me he wants to get a new job and he is willing to pick me up from work tonight

48. How far back do you know your ancestry?
great-grandparents

49. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
I wore a strappy, empire waist dress that was a natural brown color for a wedding I attended with Jason (my boyfriend) June 9th.

50. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my neck and head, I always have a headache it seems...

51. Have you ever been burned by love?
I have been deeply hurt by what I thought was love, but I see in hind sight that it wasn't love

52. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
No, but I am finding new fascinating blogs every day so that could change I suppose :D

53. Where would you like to live?
I am torn between MN, AZ and somewhere on the east coast, but I haven't visited enough places I am interested in to be able to say "HERE is where I want to live"

And yet again the vial gets to me...

This isn't working. Look:

It is large and the vial is difficult to get to. This is the "new" glucometer case that BD sent me to accommodate for the larger vial. It just doesn't work. The strip touches the case when the meter is left in the case and is tilited up a little from the case getting in the way.Ok, maybe I am expecting too much from them, I mean, you have to be able to get your whole finger in a vial to get the test strip out, of course!
None the less I am so disappointed in this change. It is inconvenient and becoming a hassle to test my blood sugar. When testing becomes inconvenient and frustrating I tend not to do it and I can see that happening as I sit here fuming at this terrible design. I don't want to test. Just looking at the case pisses me off. Let alone trying to maneuver the strip vial or the actual glucometer so that I can fit the strip in the meter with out having to take the meter out of the case, a task which I am sure will not be accomplished, but I'll try it for the next day or so.

I really am just fuming at this and I am trying to determine why. Is it because of the larger vial and thus the larger case, yes...

But at the root of it is that this new design for the meter that accommodates my pump which revolutionized my diabetes management is discouraging me from testing. For the last 19 months I was finally able to do what took me 12 years to accomplish - testing freely, openly, many many times a day. I did that when I was first diagnosed and for the first few years but then, around the age of 12 or 13 I just stopped testing as often as I knew I should. Maybe it was that damn adolescent time, probably it was my way of acting out with out anyone but me and my doctor knowing. But it was a hard hurtle for me to leap to test as often as I have been since I got the pump. This change is reminding me of why I didn't like to test all those years, it was inconvenient. That wasn't the only reason I know, but it was a part of it. And I don't want to be in that place again of not testing, not wanting to test.

There it is in a rather large nutshell. It discourages me from testing. Now I just need to figure out how to get over it...