I feel like a failure.  Great way to start out a blog post, right?  I guess,  I just feel lost at the moment.  But here are some updates, bullet point style!

• Failed out of nursing school due to working too much and poor diabetes management.
• During all of this fell in love with an amazing man, Matt.
• He is divorced with two kids from his ex-wife and another as an unplanned, non-discussed pregnancy.
• Town house with my sister and nephews went up for sale, didn't sell, but we did find a renter for it and that is going well.  But that meant I moved out of the townhouse. 
• I moved in with said wonderful man last October when the townhouse lease went into effect. I got a new job in the area of his and his parent's home in Stacy, MN the year before but only officially moved in October of 2011.
• Its been interesting, but he agreed to get me a kitth, Nova, last November who I post a ton of pictures of on FB.  His eldest daughter and I also recently convinced him to allow a second kitth, Reeses (DSH tortoiseshell baby girl) into the home. She is precious.
• Due to an inability to get accepted into another  nursing program I decided to pursue my other passion - hair.
• Attending Aveda Institute Minneapolis for cosmetology license at present. Should be done mid-January 2012 (almost there!!!)
• I love cosmetology!  It is far less stressful than nursing. I have given many hugs to people whose hair I have styled or colored or cut, whatever, and that is so fulfilling! 
• Cosmetology training is essentially 40 hours per week Monday to Friday.
• Matt's two eldest kids are back with their mom now.
• His youngest is and has always been with her mom.  Matt and her mom rarely talk.
• I love this man.  It feels right, I feel balanced with him.
• He cannot have anymore children.
• I love his kids. I want the  best for them. I want them to have the security I never felt and the love that my Mom has always given me, only from me. I want them to trust me, and know that I have their best interests in mind.  I want them to know I will always do right by them, but sometimes that means they may not like my answer to things.
• I want Matt to know all of the stuff in the above bulletin.
• I turn 30 in just under a month.
• Somehow this seems like a huge thing to me.
• My diabetes could be better, but isn't extremely terrible.  I believe my A1c is down to 7.8 thanks to some terrible lows.
• I have had many seizures this year from low blood sugars.
• I have gained 11 pounds this year.  That alone, on top of everything else, SUCKS.
• I work overnights still and on the school nights that I work I only get 3 hours of sleep before returning to school. Usually those school days give me lots of lows.

So I feel like a failure because of all of the above reasons and then some.  I love Matt's kids to my core, and I want the best for them. Sometimes I feel alone in that want though.  And a lot of times I feel as though I am the only one willing to take the "road less traveled" to get them to where they need to be.  I have told Matt time and time again that his eldest needs professional  counseling.  She needs to learn how to cope with disappointment in a healthy way, not a negative way.   She needs to learn how to deal with self-disappointment too.  To realize that if she doesn't "win" at something that its OKAY, and doesn't mean she is lesser of a little lady.

Twelve years ago at this point I had hoped to be finishing my residency of a MD program.  Yet I don't even have my bachelors degree yet.  I love my job and what I do, but it is physically draining on me mentally and physically.  Which is why I chose yet another career path - cosmetology.  But I am scared.  I am scared that I wont be good at what I do, despite others comments that they love what I do for their hair.  I just am scared that, like all else in my life, I will fail at that too.
I am scared that I won't be financially stable with this new career change, despite loving it, there are still bills to pay.

I am scared of becoming a "spinster", and beginning to feel as though I am not a good "fit" for anyone out there.  Most people my age are either married by now or on their way to marriage.  As far as marriage goes, Matt only worries about the cost of it and says it isn't an option right now because we don't have the money for a wedding.  This sounds wonderfully familiar to the excuses my ex gave me about marriage and engagement.  Personally, if you know its right then you will do anything to make it completely right and propose to the person who makes you feel like like is *RIGHT*.  So, by a lack of this from him....with many excuses of why now isn't a good time.  I am insecure in our relationship.  After two and a half years shouldn't he know if its *RIGHT* or not??  I believe that if you want something you make it happen no matter the challenges or obstacles.  So, wouldn't that also apply to engagement in a tough financial time?

On Saturday, September 8th, I posted a video clip of Matt's eldest kid, who is 9, in one of her tantrums.  It was sort of the tail end of her tantrum.  I posted it because at 9 years of age she shouldn't be throwing fits like she is a 2 year old, and I wanted other parent's suggestions on how to deal with these fits.  They happen pretty much every time we get the kids back from their Mom's. They also tend to happen when I refuse to give in to the child's demands. Or when I suggest something they don't want to do, like going to a bookstore to find a good book for them to read.

This caused an uproar from his family and for Matt throwing legal issues at me for posting the video clip with out his or his ex-wife's consent.  That it was rude and uncalled for on my part. 

The video is now removed.  I realize I had no right to post a video of another person's child.  Even if I feel like a second Mom to those kids, even if the video paints them in a positive light.  That right is not mine.  Fine.  No more photos or videos of his children will be posted to my facebook account. That is illegal and I have no legal rights to do so.

I feel like a failure because my idea of parenting and raising a child are so completely different from his that I am unsure if this can work.  I believe in education, a focus on it and it as the main concern as a parent.  I believe kids should be taught responsibility through chores at home.  Age appropriate chores.  I believe kids need to listen to their elders. I believe that if the TV is a distraction from education or listening it should be turned off.  I believe kids should get healthy, well balanced meals and that candy or junk food (chips are included as junk food!) should be reserved for special occasions.  Not a daily snack. I believe only one meal should be cooked for dinner and that everyone shares in the meal.  Not that there should be a kid friendly meal and then a meal for adults.  That's too much work and a waste of resources and time.

But I guess I am wrong in these beliefs.  So, being wrong at alot of things lately.  I am beginning to believe I am a failure.  I want to ignore my diabetes because I know doing so will not trend me into a seizure.  I want to pretend that my values mean something when I am told time and time again that they are too much and I need to back off.  I feel like I should  be elsewhere in my life than where I am today.  I have nothing to show for my 12 years out of high school. Nothing. 

And its the week of my menstrual cycle, its the tough week of work and school for me.  And somehow I have to talk myself off this ledge because no one else will.  No one.

Adieu.

20.

Yesterday marked my 20th diaversary.  And fortunately I was too busy to even reflect on it until today.  Luckily I can say that after twenty years of diabetes I am complication free.  I have a great endocrinologist.  I found out last week that my A1c is at a better level (7.6 - thank GOD!).  I have access to the best technology for treating this disease, all be it at a high price. 

I know I have posted a lot of negative things, this is my place to unload afterall.  But if after another twenty years I can look back and say the same things I said above about diabetes, then I would feel blessed.  Yes a cure would of course be great.  But for now I am glad for the things I have to help me stay complication free.

My Insulin pump with CGM.
My meter and test strips.
INSULIN.
Various medications to protect my kidneys and vascular system.
My friends and family who help me keep my head on when its ready to blow.
Possibly my new kitten who seems to wake me up if I am low...although that is yet to be proven on a consistent basis.  He is fun enough to mention though.
The diabetes online community who help me feel less alone with this disease.

Where is that cheesecake now?? 

And I suck.

Today I am feeling down and very depressed.  For a variety of reasons, as always.  But mainly because I only just today, a few minutes ago got my crappy postcard in the mail. To its recipient I AM TERRIBLY SORRY IT IS SO OVERDUE.  I have no excuse except that I suck and was trying to make the card more appealing or decorative and just didn't succeed so decided to mail it as is and very late.
But, aside from my sucking at being crafty or getting to the post office in a timely fashion, life has been okay.  I am taking a nutrition course.  School....

I guess I never really posted about my horrible nursing school experience.  Maybe because it hurts too much that even thinking about blogging about it brings tears to my eyes and a tightly closed throat.  But my third semester into nursing school, which was Fall 2010, all fell apart, and I was unable to finish.  I was under a ton of stress and was having seizures what felt like left and right.  Between feeling uprooted every three months and the work/school/diabetes balancing act triad, I just didn't perform well academically. Or physically.  My A1c just hasn't been the same since.

I took some much needed time off from school, hopefully lowered my A1c back to an acceptable number, and am looking at restarting a different program later next year.  I will find out my A1c in ten days.  And I am praying that my last three months of trying to avoid highs will have paid off a little bit.   But a part of me fears that it hasn't.  Why?  Oh well that's because I generally suck at this whole diabetes thing.  I don't like it, I don't like to monitor my blood sugars, I don't like constantly calculating my carbs and determining if or when it is safe to eat.  I just don't like it.  Is that a good enough reason?  Is it a reason to validate anything?  Because you "don't like it"?  I suppose not.  But somehow when it comes to my diabetes it feels enough. 

It feels enough because at the end of the day, when I can sit down and review what I have or more accurately, have not accomplished, the LAST thing on my list is "Tested glucose 8 times today". 

And yet when I do look at my days, months and years of minor successes and major set backs, diabetes always comes up at the same time as the set backs. Seizures, high A1cs making life generally difficult.  Its all there with the bad. 

I know this, I know this like I know my own palm.  And somehow, it always happens.  Diabetes gets put on the back burner of life.  Because professors or employers don't care if I had to be late because I left my glucometer at home, or I am running low on insulin in the reservoir and need to break to change it out.  All they care is was I there, was I participating or performing.  They don't care about the WHY.  Hell NO ONE cares about the WHY.  Unless its a death in the family, the why of self diabetes care is only important to one person: the diabetic.

I look at all the things I had to do last Fall, and getting through the work and academic checklist each day left me little room and little energy for another diabetes checklist. 

And because of this, today, I feel as though I suck.  Because some days that diabetes checklist will never be complete.  Because I am running out of the "I care about diabetes" juice.  And I have to put it out there.  I have to put it here because, because there is no where else to put it.  And I have to find the "caring" juice again so I can keep on.  With school, with life.

Happy Birthday, Welcome Home

So on the day you would be 57 I will be moving out of my comfort zone and into a new realm of my life.  You see M&M have found someone to rent the townhouse where my things are and this means I must move said things out.  Where?  Well, I don't have my own place.  I would like to but at this time I am too broke to afford it.  I would like to have a place with me and Matt but even on our combined incomes we can't manage an apartment of our own and still have room for living expenses.  Also he doesn't believe in renting (I know, don't get me started!).  So, for now, I will be moving in with him and his parents up in Stacy, MN. 

Its sorta scary.  Because I know were it me and my parents (M&M) this would never be possible.  We would all go insane!  (Love ya Mom!) Somehow Matt and his parents have made living together as calm and comfortable as I would never have imagined possible.  And they have agreed to let me in as well.  Its pretty amazing, the kindness of his family.  Gives me inspiration on what families can be like. I hope Matt and I can raise A&A&G with the same compassion.  But that's a whole other story.

So, things are really changing this week. 

I'm scared, excited, and sad for this week all at once. 

Because your passing has made the slight relationship we had even more slight and unfair.  And it makes it seem so unfair that I didn't grow up sooner and  just start calling you to talk to you, get to know you.  But I wasn't ready, and now that you're gone of course I feel ready.  Now that its too late.
I think of all the things that you won't see.  Krystle, Kayla, or I getting married; D & L growing up; any future grandchildren one of us may have; the family that has accepted me as their own despite my flakiness and fear of commitment.  These people who are important in your daughters lives who you won't meet.  The people in my life that you won't meet. While I am not sure you and Matt would get along, I am sure that I would have wanted him to meet you and you to meet him.  It all just makes me sad.

So, today (Sunday) I'm organizing for what will be my new residence with Matt and his family.  And I'm moving out of the townhouse officially on Tuesday, your birthday.  Happy Birthday Dad.  I miss you.  I'll be thinking of you and praying for you this week.

Invisible Illness Meme - isn't a week really 8 days??

So I guess I'm a day late...I saw the start day as the 12th and apparently I can't do math! But here it is...a day after the fact...right - o!

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1991

3. But I had symptoms since: maybe 9 months? I was in the third grade when diagnosed but I swear I had a low blood sugar at the end of second grade.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: admitting I can’t deal with it alone.

5. Most people assume: that I have it all figured out and under control...I put up a good front.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: convincing myself to test, and then actually eating a good breakfast. I am not a big morning eater.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House! Love crazy House.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My cell phone. I can manage without the pump. I don’t LIKE to but I can if I must. However I live off my phone it seems! I track my sugars, carbs, lab tests, plan my week, get driving directions, all from my phone.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Well, I work nights so on the nights I don’t work, the hardest part about the night is being awake at 3 am and wondering, “What can I do? Whats open? If I clean will I wake the rest of the house? Maybe I should just clean quietly…”

10. Each day I take: 5 pills & 1-3 vitamins and one insulin via pump

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Try to keep an open mind. But for the physical part of diabetes, there are none. For the MENTAL care of diabetes though, alternative and complementary therapies can definitely help.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: An invisible one. I know many people who have struggled with cancer or MS or ALS and they not only have to deal with the mental, physical, emotional side of their illness but then they have to have it out there for all to see and judge. That I can choose who to share my diabetes with and that people in the grocery store don’t know I have a chronic illness I consider a blessing.

13. Regarding working and career: I’ve been lucky that all my places of employment understood about my diabetes. I had a few snags in corporate America about the “Why” when I have a low I must stop what I’m doing and treat; aside from that though it’s never been an issue. Because of diabetes I feel that is what drew me to health care and why I am pursuing nursing as a career. It is also why my sister is drawn to nutrition and is pursuing dietetics.

14. People would be surprised to know: doing things right doesn’t mean things always go right. I get, “Well didn’t you cover? Well didn’t you eat something?” a lot in response to my wavering blood sugars. Yes. I did. I did the same thing I did the last time my sugar was that way. Today is different. My body’s reaction is different today and aside from trial and error (and prayer that I can figure it out) I have no way of knowing how it will react.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Well, my reality is almost in its twenties! And the hardest thing? The fear & (loathing?? ;-P ) the constant attentiveness. The fear of losing my limbs or my eyes. The fight of trying and trying and trying to NEVER give up never give in to what’s easy but go with what I know is best for my health. Day after day, year after year? That’s hard to keep doing some times.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: lemme think about this one….

17. The commercials about my illness: Crack me up. And make me roll my eyes.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I miss guilt & insulin free root beer floats.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Regular root beer floats….see above.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: card making, not health related at all but that’s the newest hobby of mine!

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go for a long stroll without snacks, just water. Work out until my muscles hurt not until my sugar runs low. I would also carry a smaller purse that day or not carry one at all!

22. My illness has taught me: to appreciate the ability to be spontaneous, and to realize that with this disease planning is key.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “There is this cord hanging out of your pocket, careful!!”

24. But I love it when people: Respect my struggles and how difficult some days can be on me.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Goodness I have too many! But I tend to gravitate towards “This too shall pass…” and one I coined myself “Even if today or yesterday sucked, tomorrow is still new and glistening. Waiting…”

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: “You can do this! You are not alone! It is possible to get through and still have a normal, healthy life. Seek support from where you can find it in a healthy way.”

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how much more goes through my mind because of it. Like all the different mental steps I run through before I eat or exercise.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: rub my head (thanks babe!); tell me its going to be okay. Oh and all those flowers I got last June when I had meningitis…that was super nice! (okay that wasn’t diabetes related…)
Diabetes wise, I had this terrible seizure last year and I lost control of my bladder. My significant other treated the low, held me when I cried (I tend to cry after I have a seizure, not sure why, think it’s the loss of my short term memory making me all confused), helped me into the shower, and didn’t give me crap about the loss of bladder control…in his bed. THAT was also very nice.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Kerri did it, Abby did it. Others did it, and I wanted to try and start blogging again…

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: heard. For once.

A whole new year

So its a new year and a new decade. Last year was a tough one for me. I started a new job working overnights at a hospital. I left the nursing home a month after that. I found out I made it into the nursing program at Century College (Yay, but still stress none the less). I went to Colorado and upon return moved out from the apartment with Jason and back to the town home shared with my sister, nephews and her fiancee, which led to the end of our relationship.

I started nursing school devastated and stressed and continued working overnights while trying to make it to morning classes which didn't fair well for me. I made a huge decision to move to a casual or "on call" position with the hospital thus loosing my qualification for benefits in 2010 and making finances a bit unsure too. I went hiking in Aizona.

Lastly I finished up the semester having to appeal my right to continue due to turning in a late assignment that was required (had I just turned it in or even talked to my instructor about it the whole situation could have been avoided, alas). My grades weren't in question it was my ability to be punctual with turning in my assignments, and I was terrible at that. Thankfully they approved me to continue on to second semester and advised me that late assignments wouldn't be tolerated any more.

After all of that, I randomally decided to visit my father and half-sister who I hadn't seen in four years and an old friend who I hadn't seen in twelve years. On the way out of Jamestown, ND where my family is, I landed in a ditch managing to take off my passenger side mirror and dent the passenger door, JOY!

Christmas was delightful with family and friends. New Years Eve was awesome with close friends and fun new people. New Years Day started with a five hour conversation on life, religion, and the meaning of it all in the wee hours of the morning then a nap, and relaxing and watching movies.

My A1c started 2009 at 7.3, and went down in August to 7.0, but back up to 7.3 in October and up still to 7.8 on December 31st. I managed to drop a few pounds, but that could have been due to stress and not my good decisions or habits.

In many ways I'm not sure how to feel about 2009. It was simply a bad year, a very emotional one filled with highs and lows. I only hope I can keep on trucking to make 2010 a better one. Fall in love with things that make me happy, don't doubt myself because that's the start of a whole slew of problems and depression, accept my flaws and embrace my strengths, and above all, KEEP TESTING. Even when I don't want to, even when I have nightmares where I am forced to test ten times an hour for days on end, even when I know the reading won't be what I want it to be, TEST. Because only testing will keep my diabetes in control, and only testing often will keep me healthy enough to live the life I want, even if right now is not what I want I don't want to kill my chances for tomorrow.

Even if today or yesterday sucked, tomorrow is still new and glistening. Waiting...

A meme to bring me back to my blog

Taken from Keri, who stole it from George, who lifted it from LeeAnn, who got it from ... SOMEWHERE!

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size … is something I never really thought about before (unless I'm buying undergarmets!)

2. I’ve come to realize that my job … is very rewarding yet completely exhausting.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving … I'm usually on my cell phone.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need … a TON of emotional support.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost … a part of my ability to trust others, and that I will always have to work on that.

6. I’ve come to realize that I HATE it when … I feel like people aren't hearing me or listening to me (people being those close to me).

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk … its usually because something else in my life is wrong.

8. I’ve come to realize that money … isn't everything but does help out with all the little things in life.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people … may never understand me, and maybe thats okay.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always … need a pet. I can't live with out one!

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling … is an awesome friend and woman!

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom … has gone through a lot in her life and is someone I can learn a lot from.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone … isn't as important as I think it is.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning … okay, I actually just woke up (working nights will do that to a person) so when I woke up I DID think it was morning but it was evening and THAT'S simply confusing.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep … I shouldn't have taken that sleep aid.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking …about my diabetes and how I NEED to change that infusion set...

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad … isn't well and may not be with us beyond the year 2010.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook … I use it as a distraction from myself.

19. I’ve come to realize that today … was completely lost, but again, that happens when you work nights.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight … doesn't look any better.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow …is waiting, new and glistening.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to … be in a healthy relationship for once.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is … dependent on the reader.

24. I’ve come to realize that life … isn't like a box of chocolates, or even sugar-free chocolates for that matter. Life is the choices we make based on what cards we are dealt and how we play our hand.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend … is full of possibilities and dependent on what I choose.

26. I’ve come to realize that marriage … is sacred and not to be taken lightly.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends … really do keep me together!

28. I’ve come to realize that this year … was terribly difficult.

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex is … something I am still unclear about.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should … be nicer to myself.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love … animals. They comfort me beyond words.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand … a lot and am always learning something new.

33. I’ve come to realize my past … will always be there, so I may as well accept it and move on.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties … and me don't mix well.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified … of failure.