If you or a luv'd one has DY-UH-BEATUS...

20.

2011-12-08T13:16:00.001-06:00

Yesterday marked my 20th diaversary. And fortunately I was too busy to even reflect on it until today. Luckily I can say that after twenty years of diabetes I am complication free. I have a great endocrinologist. I found out last week that my A1c is at a better level (7.6 - thank GOD!). I have access to the best technology for treating this disease, all be it at a high price.

I know I have posted a lot of negative things, this is my place to unload afterall. But if after another twenty years I can look back and say the same things I said above about diabetes, then I would feel blessed. Yes a cure would of course be great. But for now I am glad for the things I have to help me stay complication free.

My Insulin pump with CGM.
My meter and test strips.
INSULIN.
Various medications to protect my kidneys and vascular system.
My friends and family who help me keep my head on when its ready to blow.
Possibly my new kitten who seems to wake me up if I am low...although that is yet to be proven on a consistent basis. He is fun enough to mention though.
The diabetes online community who help me feel less alone with this disease.

Where is that cheesecake now??

And I suck.

2011-11-23T13:59:00.001-06:00

Today I am feeling down and very depressed. For a variety of reasons, as always. But mainly because I only just today, a few minutes ago got my crappy postcard in the mail. To its recipient I AM TERRIBLY SORRY IT IS SO OVERDUE. I have no excuse except that I suck and was trying to make the card more appealing or decorative and just didn't succeed so decided to mail it as is and very late.
But, aside from my sucking at being crafty or getting to the post office in a timely fashion, life has been okay. I am taking a nutrition course. School....

I guess I never really posted about my horrible nursing school experience. Maybe because it hurts too much that even thinking about blogging about it brings tears to my eyes and a tightly closed throat. But my third semester into nursing school, which was Fall 2010, all fell apart, and I was unable to finish. I was under a ton of stress and was having seizures what felt like left and right. Between feeling uprooted every three months and the work/school/diabetes balancing act triad, I just didn't perform well academically. Or physically. My A1c just hasn't been the same since.

I took some much needed time off from school, hopefully lowered my A1c back to an acceptable number, and am looking at restarting a different program later next year. I will find out my A1c in ten days. And I am praying that my last three months of trying to avoid highs will have paid off a little bit. But a part of me fears that it hasn't. Why? Oh well that's because I generally suck at this whole diabetes thing. I don't like it, I don't like to monitor my blood sugars, I don't like constantly calculating my carbs and determining if or when it is safe to eat. I just don't like it. Is that a good enough reason? Is it a reason to validate anything? Because you "don't like it"? I suppose not. But somehow when it comes to my diabetes it feels enough.

It feels enough because at the end of the day, when I can sit down and review what I have or more accurately, have not accomplished, the LAST thing on my list is "Tested glucose 8 times today".

And yet when I do look at my days, months and years of minor successes and major set backs, diabetes always comes up at the same time as the set backs. Seizures, high A1cs making life generally difficult. Its all there with the bad.

I know this, I know this like I know my own palm. And somehow, it always happens. Diabetes gets put on the back burner of life. Because professors or employers don't care if I had to be late because I left my glucometer at home, or I am running low on insulin in the reservoir and need to break to change it out. All they care is was I there, was I participating or performing. They don't care about the WHY. Hell NO ONE cares about the WHY. Unless its a death in the family, the why of self diabetes care is only important to one person: the diabetic.

I look at all the things I had to do last Fall, and getting through the work and academic checklist each day left me little room and little energy for another diabetes checklist.

And because of this, today, I feel as though I suck. Because some days that diabetes checklist will never be complete. Because I am running out of the "I care about diabetes" juice. And I have to put it out there. I have to put it here because, because there is no where else to put it. And I have to find the "caring" juice again so I can keep on. With school, with life.

Happy Birthday, Welcome Home

2011-09-25T05:53:00.003-05:00

So on the day you would be 57 I will be moving out of my comfort zone and into a new realm of my life. You see M&M have found someone to rent the townhouse where my things are and this means I must move said things out. Where? Well, I don't have my own place. I would like to but at this time I am too broke to afford it. I would like to have a place with me and Matt but even on our combined incomes we can't manage an apartment of our own and still have room for living expenses. Also he doesn't believe in renting (I know, don't get me started!). So, for now, I will be moving in with him and his parents up in Stacy, MN.

Its sorta scary. Because I know were it me and my parents (M&M) this would never be possible. We would all go insane! (Love ya Mom!) Somehow Matt and his parents have made living together as calm and comfortable as I would never have imagined possible. And they have agreed to let me in as well. Its pretty amazing, the kindness of his family. Gives me inspiration on what families can be like. I hope Matt and I can raise A&A&G with the same compassion. But that's a whole other story.

So, things are really changing this week.

I'm scared, excited, and sad for this week all at once.

Because your passing has made the slight relationship we had even more slight and unfair. And it makes it seem so unfair that I didn't grow up sooner and just start calling you to talk to you, get to know you. But I wasn't ready, and now that you're gone of course I feel ready. Now that its too late.
I think of all the things that you won't see. Krystle, Kayla, or I getting married; D & L growing up; any future grandchildren one of us may have; the family that has accepted me as their own despite my flakiness and fear of commitment. These people who are important in your daughters lives who you won't meet. The people in my life that you won't meet. While I am not sure you and Matt would get along, I am sure that I would have wanted him to meet you and you to meet him. It all just makes me sad.

So, today (Sunday) I'm organizing for what will be my new residence with Matt and his family. And I'm moving out of the townhouse officially on Tuesday, your birthday. Happy Birthday Dad. I miss you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you this week.

Invisible Illness Meme - isn't a week really 8 days??

2011-09-19T02:45:00.003-05:00

So I guess I'm a day late...I saw the start day as the 12th and apparently I can't do math! But here it is...a day after the fact...right - o!

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1991

3. But I had symptoms since: maybe 9 months? I was in the third grade when diagnosed but I swear I had a low blood sugar at the end of second grade.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: admitting I can’t deal with it alone.

5. Most people assume: that I have it all figured out and under control...I put up a good front.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: convincing myself to test, and then actually eating a good breakfast. I am not a big morning eater.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House! Love crazy House.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My cell phone. I can manage without the pump. I don’t LIKE to but I can if I must. However I live off my phone it seems! I track my sugars, carbs, lab tests, plan my week, get driving directions, all from my phone.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Well, I work nights so on the nights I don’t work, the hardest part about the night is being awake at 3 am and wondering, “What can I do? Whats open? If I clean will I wake the rest of the house? Maybe I should just clean quietly…”

10. Each day I take: 5 pills & 1-3 vitamins and one insulin via pump

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Try to keep an open mind. But for the physical part of diabetes, there are none. For the MENTAL care of diabetes though, alternative and complementary therapies can definitely help.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: An invisible one. I know many people who have struggled with cancer or MS or ALS and they not only have to deal with the mental, physical, emotional side of their illness but then they have to have it out there for all to see and judge. That I can choose who to share my diabetes with and that people in the grocery store don’t know I have a chronic illness I consider a blessing.

13. Regarding working and career: I’ve been lucky that all my places of employment understood about my diabetes. I had a few snags in corporate America about the “Why” when I have a low I must stop what I’m doing and treat; aside from that though it’s never been an issue. Because of diabetes I feel that is what drew me to health care and why I am pursuing nursing as a career. It is also why my sister is drawn to nutrition and is pursuing dietetics.

14. People would be surprised to know: doing things right doesn’t mean things always go right. I get, “Well didn’t you cover? Well didn’t you eat something?” a lot in response to my wavering blood sugars. Yes. I did. I did the same thing I did the last time my sugar was that way. Today is different. My body’s reaction is different today and aside from trial and error (and prayer that I can figure it out) I have no way of knowing how it will react.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Well, my reality is almost in its twenties! And the hardest thing? The fear & (loathing?? ;-P ) the constant attentiveness. The fear of losing my limbs or my eyes. The fight of trying and trying and trying to NEVER give up never give in to what’s easy but go with what I know is best for my health. Day after day, year after year? That’s hard to keep doing some times.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: lemme think about this one….

17. The commercials about my illness: Crack me up. And make me roll my eyes.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I miss guilt & insulin free root beer floats.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Regular root beer floats….see above.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: card making, not health related at all but that’s the newest hobby of mine!

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go for a long stroll without snacks, just water. Work out until my muscles hurt not until my sugar runs low. I would also carry a smaller purse that day or not carry one at all!

22. My illness has taught me: to appreciate the ability to be spontaneous, and to realize that with this disease planning is key.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “There is this cord hanging out of your pocket, careful!!”

24. But I love it when people: Respect my struggles and how difficult some days can be on me.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Goodness I have too many! But I tend to gravitate towards “This too shall pass…” and one I coined myself “Even if today or yesterday sucked, tomorrow is still new and glistening. Waiting…”

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: “You can do this! You are not alone! It is possible to get through and still have a normal, healthy life. Seek support from where you can find it in a healthy way.”

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how much more goes through my mind because of it. Like all the different mental steps I run through before I eat or exercise.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: rub my head (thanks babe!); tell me its going to be okay. Oh and all those flowers I got last June when I had meningitis…that was super nice! (okay that wasn’t diabetes related…)
Diabetes wise, I had this terrible seizure last year and I lost control of my bladder. My significant other treated the low, held me when I cried (I tend to cry after I have a seizure, not sure why, think it’s the loss of my short term memory making me all confused), helped me into the shower, and didn’t give me crap about the loss of bladder control…in his bed. THAT was also very nice.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Kerri did it, Abby did it. Others did it, and I wanted to try and start blogging again…

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: heard. For once.

A whole new year

2010-01-10T18:52:00.004-06:00

So its a new year and a new decade. Last year was a tough one for me. I started a new job working overnights at a hospital. I left the nursing home a month after that. I found out I made it into the nursing program at Century College (Yay, but still stress none the less). I went to Colorado and upon return moved out from the apartment with Jason and back to the town home shared with my sister, nephews and her fiancee, which led to the end of our relationship.

I started nursing school devastated and stressed and continued working overnights while trying to make it to morning classes which didn't fair well for me. I made a huge decision to move to a casual or "on call" position with the hospital thus loosing my qualification for benefits in 2010 and making finances a bit unsure too. I went hiking in Aizona.

Lastly I finished up the semester having to appeal my right to continue due to turning in a late assignment that was required (had I just turned it in or even talked to my instructor about it the whole situation could have been avoided, alas). My grades weren't in question it was my ability to be punctual with turning in my assignments, and I was terrible at that. Thankfully they approved me to continue on to second semester and advised me that late assignments wouldn't be tolerated any more.

After all of that, I randomally decided to visit my father and half-sister who I hadn't seen in four years and an old friend who I hadn't seen in twelve years. On the way out of Jamestown, ND where my family is, I landed in a ditch managing to take off my passenger side mirror and dent the passenger door, JOY!

Christmas was delightful with family and friends. New Years Eve was awesome with close friends and fun new people. New Years Day started with a five hour conversation on life, religion, and the meaning of it all in the wee hours of the morning then a nap, and relaxing and watching movies.

My A1c started 2009 at 7.3, and went down in August to 7.0, but back up to 7.3 in October and up still to 7.8 on December 31st. I managed to drop a few pounds, but that could have been due to stress and not my good decisions or habits.

In many ways I'm not sure how to feel about 2009. It was simply a bad year, a very emotional one filled with highs and lows. I only hope I can keep on trucking to make 2010 a better one. Fall in love with things that make me happy, don't doubt myself because that's the start of a whole slew of problems and depression, accept my flaws and embrace my strengths, and above all, KEEP TESTING. Even when I don't want to, even when I have nightmares where I am forced to test ten times an hour for days on end, even when I know the reading won't be what I want it to be, TEST. Because only testing will keep my diabetes in control, and only testing often will keep me healthy enough to live the life I want, even if right now is not what I want I don't want to kill my chances for tomorrow.

Even if today or yesterday sucked, tomorrow is still new and glistening. Waiting...

A meme to bring me back to my blog

2009-09-17T21:11:00.006-05:00

Taken from Keri, who stole it from George, who lifted it from LeeAnn, who got it from ... SOMEWHERE!

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size … is something I never really thought about before (unless I'm buying undergarmets!)

2. I’ve come to realize that my job … is very rewarding yet completely exhausting.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving … I'm usually on my cell phone.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need … a TON of emotional support.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost … a part of my ability to trust others, and that I will always have to work on that.

6. I’ve come to realize that I HATE it when … I feel like people aren't hearing me or listening to me (people being those close to me).

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk … its usually because something else in my life is wrong.

8. I’ve come to realize that money … isn't everything but does help out with all the little things in life.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people … may never understand me, and maybe thats okay.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always … need a pet. I can't live with out one!

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling … is an awesome friend and woman!

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom … has gone through a lot in her life and is someone I can learn a lot from.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone … isn't as important as I think it is.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning … okay, I actually just woke up (working nights will do that to a person) so when I woke up I DID think it was morning but it was evening and THAT'S simply confusing.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep … I shouldn't have taken that sleep aid.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking …about my diabetes and how I NEED to change that infusion set...

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad … isn't well and may not be with us beyond the year 2010.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook … I use it as a distraction from myself.

19. I’ve come to realize that today … was completely lost, but again, that happens when you work nights.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight … doesn't look any better.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow …is waiting, new and glistening.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to … be in a healthy relationship for once.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is … dependent on the reader.

24. I’ve come to realize that life … isn't like a box of chocolates, or even sugar-free chocolates for that matter. Life is the choices we make based on what cards we are dealt and how we play our hand.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend … is full of possibilities and dependent on what I choose.

26. I’ve come to realize that marriage … is sacred and not to be taken lightly.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends … really do keep me together!

28. I’ve come to realize that this year … was terribly difficult.

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex is … something I am still unclear about.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should … be nicer to myself.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love … animals. They comfort me beyond words.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand … a lot and am always learning something new.

33. I’ve come to realize my past … will always be there, so I may as well accept it and move on.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties … and me don't mix well.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified … of failure.

2009-09-04T11:13:00.001-05:00

Stevia herb. What is it?

Reaching my A1C goals

2009-07-01T00:16:00.009-05:00

I am trying to get my A1C lower. In April it was 7.5 which is where it was in January, and I want it below 7 (to follow the new guidelines of diabetes control). I have 5 weeks until my next A1C test (had to push it back for our trip to Colorado at the end of July) and I am trying to plan now how to manage the next 5 weeks to at least get my A1C closer to 7. I know I should have been doing this for the past 8 weeks since my last endo visit, but there were other things I had to focus on instead.

So, now that the test is looming nearer, and I am feeling more in control of my emotions, I am wondering what to do. I have had an A1C under 7 during the last 9 months of 2007, but I wouldn't say that I had good control during that time. In fact, in the time where it was under 7 I had some of the worst lows ever as an adult.

I know that its attainable, but for me its just figuring out how to keep my daily glucose numbers stable and in my "target range". For myself I am aiming for a premeal/fasting range of 85-130mg/dL, and a post meal range of 140-180mg/dL. At a blood sugar of 80 I find I tend to go low easily and fast. And anything over 190 tends to give me headaches or other negative symptoms of hyperglycemia (irritability, excessive thirst, sore muscles, so on...)

I think trying to keep stable blood sugars is a better criteria of reaching my goal for a couple of reasons. First, it will hopefully prevent me from having as many lows as I did back in 2007; secondly it will help keep my weight stable and ideally even assist with my weight loss goal. Lastly I am hoping that keeping my glucose in range will help my mood, because I feel that highs and lows have a tremendous effect on my mood. A high blood sugar makes my anger flare up a lot quicker than normal, and a low makes me overly sensitive and teary-eyed, not to mention exhausted after its treated. Does anyone else get that too, that highs and lows play with your mood?

So, for now, here's what I have on my plan:

Wear the CGMS. Not once a while but as often as I can, every day if I can tolerate it.
Eat more fresh veggies. I LOVE red, yellow, and green peppers so I should try to eat them more. Along with cucumbers. Yum!
Add more fiber to my diet. I bought some English muffins today with the right amount of carbs I want (21g) and 5g of fiber. Perfect for breakfast, just add protein and I'm good to go.

There. I put it in writing, on my blog. Now I have to follow through!

A brief history in my diabetes

2009-06-18T15:30:00.012-05:00

Before I start this post I just wanted to say thanks to the fellow people with diabetes I met last weekend at Mall of America. I had a great time!! I think I forgot what it was like to be around people who know what its like to have diabetes. Sunday evening I felt more like a person than a diabetic. You all helped me see that I am NOT alone living with the frustrations of diabetes, so THANKS Allison, Scott, Sandy, Bob, and Heather!! (That's the order of everyone in the pic too with me at the end on the right.) I hope we get together again soon!

Going to the meet up made me realize that there are a lot of things I haven't talked about in my blog that is related to diabetes. Like what it was like having diabetes as a teenager, young adult, in college, and such. Reading Penny's post from last week also touched on a nerve of mine too - the fear of complications.

So I wanted to write about what it was like growing up with diabetes as a kid, what worked, what didn't work, what went wrong, and what went well. This will probably take more than one post...

When I was diagnosed with diabetes I was nine. I went to Children's Hospital in St. Paul and stayed there two weeks learning about how to take care of myself with diabetes. My Mom was there learning too. We left with syringes, NPH and regular insulin, a glucometer from LifeScan OneTouch, and a log book. I was warned about keeping my blood sugars in control in the 120-180 range, keeping my A1c under 8, and eating right in order to stay physically healthy. I was also warned that getting sick has bad effects on blood sugars and to closely monitor my blood sugar when I was sick. I was essentially told that getting the flu was so dangerous that it could kill me and if I ever got the flu that I should be brought to the hospital. Thank GOD I didn't get the flu when I was younger. I don't think I've had the flu once since being diagnosed actually...

And that was it. I had a lot of follow up appointments in the first year after being diagnosed. It was always during the day so I would miss a day of school to go to my appointments. My Mom would make that a special day to help ease the "going to the doctors - again" stigma and would spend the whole day with me. I liked these days with her, I liked going to the doctor and talking about diabetes. That's pretty much how it went for the first year.

Now, I don't remember when things started to fall apart. I know I kept a "good for the time A1c" as a kid/preteen (basically an A1c under 8 when I was a kid was what was "good"). But I also know that sometime in my preteen/teenage years things went really bad. My A1c jumped in the matter of months from 8, to 9, to 10, to 11. I want to say that this was around when I was 13 or 14 years old. By the time I was 15 my A1c was somewhere around 12 or 13 and stayed there until I finished high school. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Because I had such a bad A1c I went to diabetes counseling where we talked about my feelings on having diabetes. I was young, I was smart, and I was a liar. I said to everyone in my life that I was okay with it because it forced me to lead a healthier lifestyle. I said that it forced me to be aware of nutritional values, and that I was grateful for that knowledge because so many kids my age didn't care how much sugar they consumed, but I did. Lies. All lies.

I don't know if I was just that convincing in my lies or if the counselor could see through them but simply didn't know how to reach me. I know that even today a lot of my friends and family are surprised to hear that I am struggling with depression telling me that I always appear happy. Whatever the reason, I was able to spew these lies despite a terrible A1c. Looking back, a part of me wishes someone had shaken me saying "Your actions are telling us something entirely different Amber! If you really felt that way about diabetes you wouldn't have such a high A1c. You would be testing your blood sugars more, taking your insulin on time, recording what you're doing. But you aren't doing any that. Why aren't you doing that?"

Instead of asking me these things though, I was told terrible diabetes complication stories. About my Mom's coworker who at one time worked with a young woman who had diabetes and appeared fine until she got an infection on her toe and had to have her leg amputated and shortly there after died. Or how another patients sister while pregnant with uncontrolled diabetes because she wasn't testing her blood sugars, went into DKA, lost the baby and died too. Or how someone else went blind from uncontrolled diabetes and couldn't have a normal life anymore since they couldn't draw up the insulin into the syringe , let alone test and give their own shot. I mean, literally, that was what I was given as a warning call. The horror stories of others uncontrolled diabetes and what happened, and always, at the end of the story the phrase, "You don't want that to happen to you, do you?"

The uncontrolled story of my diabetes history is a huge part of it. During high school I hardly tested and rarely took injections on time. I continued to lie about my feelings on living with diabetes. And the summer after my first year in college managed to have an A1c of 17 at which point someone, my nurse practitoner who I saw for my diabetes, did shake me up with the words, "You are trying to kill yourself! Something needs to change! You CAN'T keep on living like this!" I was 19 at the time, working full time and about to start another full time semester at Hamline Univerisity. My idea of change was to cut back my hours to 30 hours/week while taking 15 credits. Needless to say, that didn't work well and a month into the semester I withdrew from school to focus on my diabetes.

But instead I dove head first into work. got my first apartment, worked as much overtime as I could, even getting a second job. I did manage to lower my A1c in all of this work to 13, but it sayted there for a while. I still didn't test as much as I should have, but at least it was an improvement I told myself. But what made it worse was keeping diabetes on a back burner. Letting it simmer with out a close eye watching it to prevent it from boiling over. Letting myself fixate everything else but the management of my diabetes. Hell, I was young, simply trying to stay a float.

It took me a long time to stop lying to myself and others about diabetes, to stop running from it. By the time I was 22 I was just beginning to see that I despised diabetes. I hated that when ever I was upset my family and closest friends would ask me "Whats your blood sugar?" instead of "Whats wrong, Amber?" I hated that everyone always seemed to know what I was doing wrong but not how to help me do something right for a change. I hated seeing that my blood sugar was high because it meant that I failed at trying to help myself, which was why I hated testing my blood sugar. Hated it.

Now, I know I am doing a lot of complaining here. I am very good at complaining I think. But I just wanted to show that lying to yourself, at any age, about diabetes is a bad idea. It took me a long time to realize that in lying to myself, my doctors, and support team I was denying my self the chance to make things better. I was what was holding back better control, and I was the antagonist in my diabetes story. Not the disease, not the glucometer, not the injections, not the doctors who may or may not get it. Me. Which is why I think complaining is sometimes OK. Not ALL THE TIME of course. But some of the time, for me, I just have to acknowledge how I feel, accept it, and move on.

I am nearing on 27 years old now, 18 of them with type one diabetes. I still hate it. I still wish I was free of this disease. I still fear loosing a limb to this disease. I still hate it when my actions are attributed to my disease and not just me. Like when I am upset at something, if anyone asks me to test my bloodsugar I will pretty much start yelling. That my disease doesn't regulate my emotions. It can enhance my emotions, I will admit, but it doesn't give me the emotion simply because my bloodsugar is high or low. Thats all me.

This was a long post, sorry. I think I needed to just get that out there.

I was all right, for a while

2009-06-09T13:30:00.005-05:00

Last month was a difficult month for me. My sister was graduating from the University of MN, I was walking at my graduation for completing my AA degree last December, and there was a few special bills that always come in May that I wasn't looking forward to. Or maybe it was just me being me. I don't know. But it was very difficult. After many a shouting then crying spell with Jason I had to take a step back.

Depression has been with me as long as I can remember. I have never found a satisfactory way to cope with it though. About three years ago I took myself off my antidepressant due to sleep disturbances that I couldn't adjust to. I didn't think that it was a bad decision at the time, or for a long time until I started looking back at the last three years and how I've been feeling while off the antidepressant. And sadly, I came to realize I haven't been feeling good. Sure good things have happened in the last three years. And there were brief moments of happiness when those good things were taking place. But overall, I'd say they've been tough. Even when the good things came there was always a dark thought in my mind that I'd have to struggle to keep at bay to stay focused on the present. It was exhausting! It is exhausting.

At the start of May I felt wonderful, there were a lot of things to celebrate about, and many reasons to be happy. I was energized and motivated to start a new workout program. I was excited to have the summer months start, and things at my new job were beginning to get comfortable.

Slowly it hit me. I had to rearrange my work/sleep schedule in order to participate with my sisters graduation and my own. I had to swap a few shifts to get the time to help with and attend the open house my mom had arranged. I worked a double to help with the loss of a shift to get the one day off that I needed. When the day of the open house came one simple sentence thew me into a heap of despair and depression that I am still struggling with today. "Your mom worked really hard on this open house; I hope you show her you're thankful for her efforts."

There were many other things that were making me sad and a little out of sorts but it was this comment that threw me over the edge from mildly depressed into severely depressed. It felt like a slap in the face. It came out of the blue and I wasn't prepared for it; I didn't know why the comment was directed at me. I didn't know why it was delivered in such a cold tone less than a half an hour before guests were to arrive, it didn't make any sense to me. I finished putting out the cheese trays I was working on and quickly went upstairs to a private bathroom and cried. Cried my heart out for a good five minutes.

The door bell rang and I was pulled back to reality. I couldn't keep crying; there was an open house going on and guests to greet. I splashed my face with cold water, applied more powder to my face and a new coat of mascara and went down stairs to the open house.

That's sort of how its been with me and depression. It catches me and pulls me down so low that I can't do anything but cry, and then life comes at me kicking and screaming and I have to stop crying and deal with the fight going on before my eyes.

After the open house my crying spells got worse and more frequent. I began to think there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I started scheduling more counseling appointments and told my counselor in gasps between crying that something was wrong, that I was a weak person to feel the way I feel when others around me are dealing with the same issues and doing just fine. Through tears she tried to convince me that I wasn't weak, there wasn't anything wrong with me, that depression, a chronic disease, and managing a stressful life while working night shifts would be hard for anyone. Unconvinced I scheduled an appointment with my old psychiatrist to get their perspective on my moods and emotions.

I met with them a week ago and their perspective was exactly the same. Having heard my counselor tell me the same thing every week for three weeks before helped the message to sink in this time. Of course their solution was different than my counselors. While they were impressed with all my attempts to keep sane (counseling, exercise, changing my eating habits, yoga) they still thought an antidepressant would help. I don't like antidepressants. I don't like the side effects that come with them. I don't like that one has nevered worked for me before. So I generally just don't agree with them. But I can't keep on like I have been and all my attempts seem to get knocked out with one unexpected comment. So, hesitantly, I agreed to try another, evil in my mind, antidepressant.

Its been a week on the damn thing. It also messes with my sleep cycle, only making me drowsier unlike the last pill I was on which made it impossible to fall asleep. It gives me a dry mouth and seems to make me oblivious to my lows thanks to the constant thirst. But in the last week I haven't had a night of crying. Its a start I guess.

Monday Update -

2009-05-18T14:17:00.004-05:00

My second vlog. Trying to be quick so I can start my weekly errands! Enjoy!

Hello Again Vlog

2009-05-07T11:09:00.004-05:00

I decided to run with the webcam in Jason's new computer. So here is my first Vlog attempt. YaY!

Not so terrifying

2009-04-25T16:18:00.002-05:00

Quick update. It wasn't as bad as I thought. 7.5. At least it stayed the same. WHEW! Now I am off to the gym. More trial and error. Today I am reducing my basal rate, only not as much since I am starting out at 172...

Here goes!

Thanks Scott and George for the words of encouragement!!

Terrified

2009-04-24T09:03:00.006-05:00

I have an endo appointment later today and just got done uploading my pump to the CareLink site. I like to use the reports that can be generated there, they do an awesome job of showing trends, especially with the sensor. So, after uploading my devices and reviewing my reports I was very disappointed to see that my average glucose is floating between 170 and 190 for the last 2 to 12 weeks. More than disappointed. Terrified. And pissed. With all the lows I have been having the past 3 months you'd think that I would at least have kept my average the same as it was before - 150ish. But no.

Later today is when I will have the blood drawn for the A1c and I will get the result during my appointment. I am trying not to tell myself it will be terrible, but I have a feeling it will be. According to this online calculator (that I got from Kerri's page, thanks!) my A1c will be between 7.6 and 8.2. Ughh. Not what I wanted. Not what I hoped for.

And I just don't get it. I don't get what I am doing wrong. I know there are things I can do better, but I didn't realize that in not doing those things better I would bump my A1c up so easily in the course of 3 months. Uggg. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Or maybe that's the creamer in my coffee kicking in and churning my stomach. I don't know.

A part of me feels like the increased average is due to my harder attempt at working out. Because when I work out I HAVE to raise my blood sugar to at least 180 so I don't drop low during the workout. Sometimes I have raised it too high and finished a workout with my glucose in the 190s. But that only happened a few times, usually I am right at 100 or less post workout. And....

And I just don't GET IT! How am I supposed to work out but keep my blood sugar from dropping? And don't say to suspend the pump because I learned quickly that this only leads to extreme highs 2 hours post work out. Reducing my basal rates before/during exercise does something similar only I don't spike quite as high.

(If you can't tell this is the pissed side coming out)

So, here I am stuck. Not sure how to do this diabetes and workout thing right. And probably with a worse off A1c because of it. Damn.

I couldn't resist!!

2009-03-28T08:47:00.006-05:00

It called to me from the moment I saw it on the shelf.

Even though I have other meters (plus a silver mini that isn't pictured):

But when I went to the pharmacy last night and saw it was on sale for only $15 I had to have it...

A PURPLE Ultra Mini!

Isn't it adorable?!?!

There is something about having these meters in a variety of colors that brings me a strange sense of diabetes bliss that I can't even begin to explain. I would have a Ultra Mini in every color if I could find a way to justify it. For now, I will settle for my silver, pink and new purple and pray that there isn't a new color introduced later on that I also won't be able to resist...

Is anyone else in love with the One Touch Ultra Mini and its color selection?

Unloading

2009-03-10T11:54:00.004-05:00

I am having a really hard time with depression right now. Its sort of eating away at my will to do anything. Also at my relationships. And my diabetes care, naturally. I feel like there is no one I can reach out to. I feel like there is no one who understands. I feel like I can't relate to anyone because I feel so damned isolated with these feelings.

I tried to talk to Jason, my boyfriend, about it the other day. Which didn't get anywhere. He tries to get me to expand on the depressive thoughts, as if they are some sort of rational thought that can be logically explained away. But they aren't.

And even though I can see the logical way that I should be thinking, I don't. Or I can't right now. I can't get those healthy thoughts in and the unhealthy ones out. Which makes me sound a little crazy I realize. But that is what depression is like for me - a constant stream of negative thoughts, about my self and what I do and what I need to do better, that doesn't stop, or let down, or give up. Thoughts that consume every part of my being and make seeing a solution to my problems impossible.

The other day I tried to email my doctor about why I haven't sent him an updated log book, despite the blood sugar issues I have been having. It went something like this:

Hi Dr. B. I know I haven't emailed you a new log book in a while. I tried to create a more detailed one for you, which meant keeping track of everything I ate and the time I ate it and the carbs. Because I don't carry a log book with me I started putting what I ate into my phone as a note. After only 36 hours I had 15 notes saved of what I ate, down to a few M&M's at 3:00am while at work. Which is when I got overwhelmed. Thinking of matching up what I ate with the blood sugars I took on my two meters and the insulin I gave with my pump. Using 4 devices to track my diabetes and then having to compile all the information on each device into time slots of pre/post meals, just defeated my whole attempt at logging before it even started. So, I wanted you to know that right now, doing all of that, just is proving to be more difficult than I can handle.

Then I stopped. Deleted the email. Because the defeated/overwhelmed with diabetes care isn't something I want to unload onto my endo. Though I think they should know about it, I don't feel like its my place to tell them. Another one of those irrational thoughts. Don't tell the people who help with diabetes whats going on and preventing me from having better diabetes care.

A part of me thinks they should definitely know what its like for a patient with diabetes and depression. And another part of me thinks that in telling my endo these things I am crossing a line. That depression is a psychology issue, not an endocrinology issue. So I can't cross the two. Even they are so closely related in my eyes, would they be in the eyes of a doctor?

So, there it is. Though I didn't tell my endo, and am having issues telling Jason and everyone else in my life, at least I am putting it here.

Two Week Outlook

2009-02-20T15:47:00.008-06:00

So I haven't been posting anything lately. I read on another blog, can't remember whose, sorry, that you shouldn't write about why you haven't been posting. The logic was that no one needs to hear the thoughts that happen behind the posts since if its a good post the thoughts will be clear, but I think its something I need to address. If nothing else for my own sake.

I find blogging a permanent marker of where I am at that moment. And I don't always like those markers. Does anyone else feel that way about their blogs? I find that I like to blog when I am in a bad mood because its the only outlet I have for these thoughts, and I don't like the negative mark I leave. I also don't like reliving that negativity later on. When I look at my posts I find that I am quite the pessimist. So, its deterred me lately from blogging.

But it got me thinking that I often avoid the things I don't like. And I can't exactly avoid diabetes. I have tried, oh have I tried. But I can't. I can avoid posting my negative thoughts on the Internet for all to see. Which is why I haven't been posting.

I often feel this way about uploading my MiniMed pump and seeing those reports too. Its a marker of what I have and haven't been doing. Or more often than not things I haven't been doing and should be doing more. I looked at my upload today and was shocked to see that I had only tested my blood sugar twice on Feb 12th. Twice? I ask myself. Really Amber. I can do better than that. I know I can. TWICE? That's it? Looking at my fingers I think I test a dozen times a day. But looking at my recent MiniMed upload tells me otherwise.

That in the last two weeks the most I tested on one day was ten times, and that was because I was forced to (LONG story involving my sister overreacting to a low and calling the paramedics to the apartment I share with Jason, what an ordeal that was). That according to those reports I spend 36% of my time above my target range, and 20% below it. Makes me wonder how it would feel if I could gain back that time out of target range what would I do with myself. Would I have better work outs? Would I sleep better? Wake up earlier because my mind wasn't foggy from a low that made getting up nearly impossible? I don't know.

What caused my sister's overreaction was my inability to respond to her over the phone from a low that I didn't treat. I was even wearing the CGMS. I knew that I was floating too low, but decided that I wanted to sleep instead of get up and treat my low. So I slept with a blood sugar around 60 for a few hours. In my defense I thought it was more around 80 not 60, but its just another excuse for me to say "I didn't need to treat the low". But an excuse is not OK in that situation. I need to treat those shitty lows that interrupt my sleep, even if I don't want to, even if it means I won't get my full 8 hours of sleep, and I have to go to work sleep deprived.

I. CAN'T. IGNORE. MY. LOWS.

That's what I have been chanting to myself since the day when the paramedics arrived at our apartment. And now I am beginning to think that this little mantra extends out to other things I can't ignore: uploading my meters and pump, and blogging. Though the reports often make me feel like a failure and slacker, I need to know the information on the damned things to help my self in the long run. That while I may not like my negativity, I shouldn't ignore it as if it wasn't there. And like the reports, maybe if I acknowledge it more often I can improve my outlook because I am blogging in the moment and that is helpful.

I used to tell myself, "I am looking through a one inch window, now try to imagine what is outside of that window that I can't see". Maybe I need to do this more often with myself, my outlook, and my diabetes.

Sign the Petition (maybe with out the spelling errors?)

2009-01-09T01:31:00.009-06:00

I just wanted to bring attention to this petition asking the FDA to create a diabetes advisory council and help improve therapies and treatments on drugs and research for persons with diabetes!

I signed it and decided to leave a lovely comment, with two or three typos (great, just what we need right? Another idiot who can't spell!! So read over your comments CAREFULLY before confirming them, unlike me). Please forgive my inability to spell and go check it out!

This is a little info from the petition Ask FDA to better Serve Diabetes Patient Needs:

"Due to the very nature of the severity and prevalence of diabetes, the following leaders within the diabetes community, who have signed this petition, implore the FDA for the immediate creation of a Diabetes Advisory Council, whose goal would be to improve options for patients. This council would include practicing endocrinologists, diabetes educators and others communicating directly with patients. Our experience, focus, and keen awareness of the needs of the diabetes community would be an invaluable resource to the FDA as it faces the arduous process1 of evaluating new diabetes treatments. Our aim is to improve options for patients.

We urge the new FDA leadership to recognize the urgent need for more safe and effective treatment options for diabetes and to reduce barriers to innovation. More treatment options will benefit patients. The disease is progressive. Delays in the availability of new treatments will only result in tremendous cost to public health and the economy. Our recommendation can benefit patients without sacrificing their safety.

Please sign this petition and tell others about it.

Make your voice heard!"

I hate my liver

2008-12-19T13:43:00.004-06:00

Okay so maybe I don't hate it all the time but right now I am not too pleased. So I go to work out with a starting blood sugar of 231. Great, I can push myself and not suspend the pump. Usually that's how it goes any way. I start in the 200's and end in the low 100's after a cardio.

So, today I feel extra motivated and do a full 60 minute workout. I feel a little shaky and am thinking I went too long and dropped my sugar low. Testing to confirm, I get a strange result of 223. Ok, I think, that's strange. Maybe there is something on my hands, so I wash them. Test again.

262. WHAT? Test again.

264. The nausea kicks in and I want to throw up. I have that nice metal taste in my mouth too.

I know that what probably happened is that doing a longer work out than usual stimulated my liver to secrete the evil glycogen to help my exercising muscles and that's why its high and seems to be climbing as I type. I know that this reaction is a good thing, it means my liver is working as it should. I however see it as an evil side effect. I wanted to have a great work out and feel great and have a lowered blood sugar too. Now I only get one of those goals and it doesn't seem as satisfying because of the high.

Irritating, right?

Long lost and now forever gone.

2008-12-13T02:23:00.007-06:00

This isn't diabetes related, but I just need to talk about it somewhere. While I usually talk about my diabetes on this blog I am changing topics today because its just something I have to do.

I lost an old friend the other day, Andrew Elhard. His funeral was Friday in Jamestown, ND. I really wanted to go but felt it wasn't my place to attend. I hadn't talked to him in a really long time. I only knew him for a short time in high school, but when I did know him he was someone that kept me stable in my ever spinning world at the time.

I can remember my life slowly falling away and Andy was right there to keep me together. He helped me with any problems I was having with my dad, which was huge at the time. He was a friend to me when few others were. He introduced me to Joe Satriani and whenever I hear Satriani I think of Andy.

He was an amazing guitar player, I always wondered if he would ever end up in a big rock band one day.

The last contact I had with Andy was the summer of 2000. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember it caused tension between me and my boyfriend then and now, Jason. Andy married a little less than two years later. I never met her and feel bad because of that. But I knew that he was someone who wanted to start a family and that is what he did with his wife. They have two children and as I just found out from his brothers blog a third on the way. I can see how happy he would have been because that is just what he wanted when I knew him.

The strangest part for me right now is that no one in my current life has any idea of how sad it is that Andy passed away. Yea, I haven't talked to him in years. But I still have family in Jamestown, and I had hoped one day while visiting to catch up with him, meet his wife and children. Say, "Thanks for being the friend you were to me when I really needed one." And now I can't. And that makes me very sad.

I can't imagine what his wife is going through, but my heart goes out to her and her children and to his parents and brother. All I can say is that he will not be forgotten. He really did leave a mark on every person he met and I was one of them.

Good Bye Andy.

His Obituary:

Andrew "Slayer" Elhard (February 17, 1982 - December 8, 2008) Guest Book Sign Guest Book Send Private Condolences Send Flowers

Andrew Tice Elhard "Slayer", 26, Jamestown, North Dakota, died Monday, December 8, 2008 at Jamestown Hospital.

Andrew was born February 17, 1982 in Jamestown, the son of Jevon "Chevy" and Lori (Koon) Elhard. He attended schools in Jamestown, and graduated in 2000. He worked at various jobs, and met Jennifer Bjornson. They were married at his parent's home on March 17, 2002. He loved to play guitar, and to be surrounded by his family and friends. He attained second degree purple belt in karate. His current jobs were black jack dealing for the Buffalo Foundation and working at Super Pumper.

Andrew is survived by his wife, Jennifer; daughter, Adia Lynn; son, Bain, all of Jamestown; his parents, Jevon and Lori Elhard, Jamestown; and half-brother, Jeremiah Wehler, Richardson, TX. He was preceded in death by his paternal grandparents, Andrew and Ardena Elhard and his maternal grandparents, Virgil "Bud" and Eva Koon, all of Jamestown.

Funeral Service: 2:00 PM, Friday, December 12, 2008 at St. Paul's United Methodist Church, Jamestown, with Rev. Gary Ball-Kilborne and Pastor Bruce Adams officiating. Visitation: 1:00 to 8:00 PM, Thursday, December 11, 2008 at the Eddy Funeral Home in Jamestown, ND. Burial: Highland Home Cemetery, Jamestown, ND. In lieu of flowers, memorials preferred to Andrew's children. On line guestbook: http://www.eddyfuneralhome.com/

6206 days

2008-12-08T01:10:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was the 17th anniversary of being diagnosed with type one diabetes. I celebrated by having my car towed, working, and doing a weeks worth of dishes at home. Jason got guitar hero and cookies. Somehow this seems unfair. But that could be because I am tired.

The years haven't taken their toll on me yet. My A1c has definitely seen its ups and downs. But my kidneys are good, as are my eyes and toes. Lets hope that is the same outlook in another 17 years.

Rant

2008-10-09T00:16:00.008-05:00

I am unmotivated at the moment. And unable to fall asleep. Somehow I feel as though this is all tied to diabetes. Is it possible to go through multiple diabetes funks in a year? What about every other month?

Sometimes that is how it goes with my concern for diabetes care. One month I am on top of it and things are smooth sailing. And others just aren't. What if that lasts for more than a few weeks? What if it turns into MULTIPLE months where your diabetes care just isn't up to par? What does that mean?

I keep asking myself that. I keep wondering if others go for extended times where it just doesn't seem possible to keep caring about the CARE of diabetes. Checking, bolusing, re-checking, exercising, checking before, during, and after exercise, not wanting to exercise, not being able to exercise because of a low, not wanting to test, not wanting to eat because it means that you have to test, blous, and test again after 2 hours and maybe do a correction bolus or handle a low. Not wanting to worry and calculate all the individual steps that go into that damn sandwich because bread just so happens to have carbs and depending on what kind of bread that could mean A LOT of carbs or nothing too damaging. Calculating. I feel like I am calculating all the time for this damn disease and for working it into my life.

And always, every minute of the day its there. It doesn't go away; it doesn't take a break even when I am taking one. Yea, I may not want to test or cover for that latte or mocha, but an hour later I sure feel its effects and must do something about it. It seems like even coffee with a little creamer will cause a 60 point jump in my blood sugar, and I end up testing and correcting and spending more time and effort than had I just avoided the damn thing altogether. Is there nothing I can do that diabetes won't catch me at? Even not eating catches up with me and I end up low and resisting the juice because the thought of more juice makes my stomach churn some days.

I feel trapped and cornered. And I know how I got there. I put myself there. See, even when ranting about diabetes there is always that responsibility and guilt that comes with it. My actions dictate my control and my well being. Knowing that, why is it so f-ing hard to do the right actions by my health? I can come up with many excuses, and trust me there are many with all that is going on this semester with work, school and life, but all it boils down to is me. My actions, my care, my diabetes, my mistakes walked me into that corner, just me.

In an earlier post I set up some exercise goals which I am keeping, but it just seems to have caused even more of a diabetes constraint than not working out. I am beginning to feel defeated. I have no conclusions about this, about any of it. I can name a few options that are all very good and valid suggestions, none of which I am motivated to act on. And I am back, facing that corner turning between two walls and not realizing how to back out into normal again.

Kinky?

2008-09-16T10:04:00.022-05:00

Okay, a little background information. I am not the greatest person when it comes to changing out my infusion sets EVERY three days. I don't go through a reservoir every three days, not even close. More like every five days, some times six. This morning when I woke up it was five and a half days on my current reservoir and infusion set. And that's just how it goes. Usually by day 5 I am getting the "low reservoir" alert and the effectiveness of the insulin isn't all that great but it still works.

Well this morning I woke up in complete body aches. I didn't know for sure what this was from because I had a strength training workout on Sunday and am still a little sore from it. So I drag myself out of bed and immediately reach for my thyroid medication and a cup of coffee. In typical bad Bamses habit I gather my books and head out the door to get to class. I can't be late for class, the professor yells when people come in late.

Once I get to class 10 minutes early, I test and discover what I was fearing - 321. Uggg. Groaning I program it into my bolus wizard giving myself 1.5 units more knowing that I was on older insulin and what usually would work may not be enough now. There that's done with and I wait to feel better. Class starts and I keep waiting. Its a 75 minute lecture, I figure by the end I should feel a little better, right?

As lecture goes on my aches get worse and I get a severe headache. I feel nauseous, dizzy and as though there is metal running through my blood vessels instead of blood and aluminum in my mouth (does any one else get a weird metal taste in their mouth when their sugar is high??). 45 minutes into lecture I test again, the insulin should have brought me down by now and if not then something is wrong. Sure enough - 324. Why didn't the insulin work? I sigh and bolus 5 more units against the recommendation of the bolus wizard. Clearly my old insulin isn't as effective as it was 5 days ago.

Lecture ends and I head home knowing that I may have to take a shot of insulin and change my infusion set. I get home, positive I was going to throw up my morning coffee and knowing I needed to test again. Five seconds later - 370. WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Furious, I rip out the infusion set and find this -

Kinked? Kinked? After 5 days, nearly 6 days and my site gets kinked? HUH??

I have no idea how it happened. I do know that I kept getting snagged in my pump cord last night and maybe in that sleepy-tangle I pulled it out a little, or enough to then make the cannula kink after returning to my side.

Now back at a nice 84 blood sugar that sluggish, full body ache is gone and my circulation feels normal, as does the taste in my mouth. Thank god.

I am trying out a new site location and hope that it won't cause so much tangle in my sleep. Usually I use my thighs but I was inspired to try a new site after this morning's kinking issues. Here goes!

Baad Bamses

2008-09-08T16:29:00.003-05:00

I have been dating my current beau, Jason, for the past 20 months and, while there have been some terrible moments at the beginning, lately things have been really good. There is a lot of history between Jason and I. We dated in high school and for our first year in college (that I didn't finish) and on and off since until, well 20 months ago. Now is the time that I think we are for real, now is when I think things are meant to be and we are both putting in equal effort to finally be in a relationship that matters more than movie and dinner.

Its very neat for me to be able to say that he is someone I have known since I was seventeen and has been there for everything since, even when I couldn't be there for my self and didn't know how much his presence mattered to me. It took a lot to get there though. This didnt' just happen overnight one day where things just started working between us, oh no. It happened when I opened my eyes and realized that maybe I didn't have to keep all my thoughts to myself and that maybe telling him whats in my head, as crazy as it may be, would bring us closer. Silly huh, realizing that communication brings people closer?

I know it sounds silly and almost high school-ish. It was really hard for me to trust him though. Not just him but people in general I just don't like sharing parts of myself with. I have tried that before and always got burned, as recently as two years ago. I think that was why trusting Jason was so hard at first. Because I didn't want to show my emotions and deepest concerns and have to experience the pain that comes when a person later takes that information and uses it against you. In past relationships and friendships when there is an argument it always seems that people go right to my weaknesses that they only knew because I shared it with them.

After enough hurt I learned that sometimes its better to not share than to share and have it held against me later.

I had to break that thinking in order to get where I am now with Jason. I had to. I still have to. I know I shouldn't go around telling everyone my past mistakes and my current fears, but finally I think I have found that person who I can share that with and not worry that it will be held against me later.

Sometimes I picture what he will say before I tell him something. Like last night when I had a hard day at work and burst into tears on my lunch. I knew I needed to talk to someone who would help remove me from my sadness. I didn't honestly know if he would do that. He doesn't quite know what I do and how things work. I am still figuring those things too! But I called him, told him what happened and why I was upset and he did what he always does, talked me off my emotional ledge. Calmed me down.

After work I went back to my place, not his apartment and tried to settle down for sleep. I thought about the day and how things went and what I should/should not have done. I thought that there were more things I should tell Jason, about how I have been feeling lately with school and diabetes.

One thing I should have told him just 5 minutes ago when we spoke on the phone is how I hadn't tested all day yesterday. In fact I hadn't tested until I absolutely had to because the words in the book I was reading before bed became wavy and unfocused. When I stood up I felt like I was walking through water and momentairly thought I should call my sister who was asleep upstairs to get her help, but I didn't. Instead I tripped my way to the stash of candy left over from the pinata at my nephew's 2nd birthday and grabbed some tootsie rolls. While chewing two I searched for my glucometer and went to test only to discover that I had run out of strips and forgot to replace them. The vial of strips were still outside in my car instead of in my case. Panicking, I decided that I would just treat the low and let it be. But it just didn't seem right, so I used an old meter that uses the same test strips as the new medtronic glucometer that works with their pump (One Touch Ultra Smart, which I haven't used in about two and a half years).

Side note: right now most of my meters are at Jason's apartment as that is where I spend most of my time. I had gotten a bunch of One Touch test strips delivered from Medtronic in July but the meter was not with me as I was still using their old BD meter (with the overly large vials).

Testing on the old meter with the new strips while still chewing the the tootsie rolls I got a low number I haven't seen in a long time. 37. It could have been wrong so I checked the expiration of the strips and that the codes matched. They weren't expired and the codes matched. I went upstairs and had some juice. And some graham crackers with peanut butter (a favorite snack of mine). And some potatoe salad.

I over-corrected. A lot. I knew I over corrected. I think I did so not only from the low but also from the bad work day. By the time I had that low I hadn't eaten for over 12 hours and was absolutely starving.

Here's the kicker. I haven't tested all day today either. I can feel this diabetes funk happening. This life funk happening and I don't know how to help it. I am sticking to my working out idea thankfully, and while my energy has had a boost the past few days my motivation hasn't. Its as though my physical symptoms have become emotional ones too now. I need to find a way to help those too.

Talking to Jason will help. Before I can start with him I need to start with my self and ask some questions and give honest answers. But I can just hear what he will say. He has this habit of calling me Bams or Bamses (a weird twist on Amber). I find it helps me to know he isn't being serious. When I take this diabetes funk to him tonight I can hear "Baad Bamses!" and then a serious question following, "How can I help?"

I am trying to figure that out myself.

Tried and Tired

2008-09-04T11:47:00.008-05:00

I have been very tired lately. I knew I had a thyroid issue from my endo last year but never felt the effects of it until now. Last year I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and prescribed medication to treat it which I never took. After spending nearly all of August dead tired I decided that maybe I should start taking the medication and see if it would help with the constant fatigue. Which it did, for a little while. Even now, after taking it for nearly three weeks, I am still very tired a lot of the time. My muscles ache and waking up seems to be the most difficult thing of the day, not to mention falling asleep is at times equally as hard.

There have been too many changes lately to know what exactly is adding to this tired feeling. Is it a more physical job? Working later than I have worked in the last 2.5 years? Starting a yoga class and a full college course load? Trying to exercise more? Not getting enough fruits and veggies or protein? Is is the blood sugar swings that I have been having for the last 5 weeks? Sigh, see what I mean, there are a lot of reasons I could be tired.

And I am nearly too tired to try and figure out which one it is. I am guessing, really, really guessing that it is the change in schedule and routine. I am only working part time on the weekends. During the week I have classes but there is a lot of down time that I have during the day and I am nearly beside my self with what to do. I know I should be studying or cleaning or organizing but a lot of the time I am surfing the Internet or reading a magazine or wandering on campus aimlessly. Not very productive tasks in other words.

So, this is the proposal I have to myself to deal with the tiredness. Apply to join a leadership institute and a nursing club that meet regularly during the week. That way I have a set task to do that will give me a break in studying and also help improve my leadership skills and understanding of the nursing program. I am going to try to make it to the gym Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday as those days I do not have yoga and three of the four days I do not work. I hear exercise is a cure for always being tired. So here goes.

I always say I am going to blog more, but who knows about that...my trend isn't that good with blogging. Which is very funny to me. I used to write all the time and now its like pulling teeth to get my thoughts out. It has something to do with feelings of incompetence, being extremely self conscious and not wanting to be overly negative. I find that I am a naturally pessimistic person when it comes to personal matters, and I don't think that people want to always read negative reports.

There is a hand out that I was given to help with those thoughts titled "The 7 Pillars of Mindfulness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Has anyone heard of it before? Well the pillars are basically principals that you use during meditation to help with stress reduction (in a nut-shell). I thought just for fun I would see if anyone else has heard of them. What did you think?

I will try to post them here shortly (right now the handout is buried somewhere...). That's all I have for now. Adieu.

Sans Insurance

2008-07-22T23:31:00.008-05:00

A new chapter in my life is starting right now, and I have to admit I am completely terrified.

I needed to leave my full time job. I couldn't manage the stress anymore, and I was crying every other day because of something that would happen at work. It was not a place that made me feel fulfilled, or appreciated, or respected even. I began to doubt myself and my strengths as a person. Every day was an emotional battle where I would walk into work going, "What will happen today? What else I am not doing well enough?" It was bad. It makes me feel better about my decision to leave because having felt that way for a long time was exhausting and its relieving to know that after today (Wednesday) I won't have to feel that stress and pressure to be perfect anymore; I can be myself again.

I had thought this through for a long time and lined up a part time nursing assistant position at a nursing home not far from home. I am excited to start working as a CNA but also worried. As a part time CNA I do not qualify for health benefits at this nursing home.

I have always had health insurance. The places I worked for always offered it to employees and I always enrolled in it. There was a brief period of time when I did not have health insurance, but that was because I enrolled at the wrong time due to old enrollment material; a quick petition to our benefits coordinator solved that. I think all in all I went 45 days with out coverage and they were some of the most stressful days ever. I was so scared that one day I would run out of insulin and die. Right then and there, poof, no insulin, and you get a dead Amber. It was a silly fear, but so powerful none the less. I wonder if other diabetics feel the same ways at times.

Reguardless, I am still looking for a position with a company who will offer benefits to PT employees, but I am not sure how long it will take. With my current planning I am thinking 6 to 9 months. I have consulted with my endo, and filled all my prescriptions to the extent I am able to and am researching insulin assistance programs through Novo Nordisk, which I believe I will qualify for. I have so much extra pump supplies I think I am easily covered for 9 months with out needing new supplies. And I have slowly been buying extra test strips out of pocket as I have extra money now and will probably not have extra money later in the year. Oh yea, in addition to going from working 40 hours a week down to 8-16 hours a week I am also going to be earning a lot less per hour as a CNA. So I expect things to get tight pretty soon. But I have thought it though, I have planned for this. And reducing my work load will significantly help me this fall when I am in school full time to wrap up an associate in arts degree and the nursing pre-requisits. So in the end I know this will be for the best and I will end up okay. I am still scared though.

Even with all this planning and research and knowing that my endo has offered to give me vials if I need them and can just come pick them up if I call ahead; I am absolutely terrified. I keep getting the "What ifs?".

What if I get into a car accident?
What if I get the flu this winter?
What if I get an infection that wont go away?
What if I have a seizure and need medical assistance?

All these things, especially the seizure idea, scares me to my bones. Has anyone else done something this crazy? Knowingly gone with out medical coverage for an extended period of time?

I am making goals of working out more, eating much lower carb foods, and blogging more on this endeavor of working less, with out insurance. Heres to that, and knowing that this period in my life is not forever and always trying to remember that this too shall pass.

(hopefully sooner rather than later)

My imaginary fiction

2008-06-28T00:57:00.004-05:00

I am finishing up a medical terminology online course right now and I did something I am not sure I am comfortable with.

I shared that I was type one diabetic.

Is that weird that I felt REALLY uncomfortable typing that in one of the discussions? I feared what they would think. That they would automatically assume my reaction to the "Why would a 14 year old with T1 skip their injections?" discussion was biased (okay it may have been, but really who knows better than one who has lived with it??). And I avoided sharing that I have T1 diabetes as long as possible for the same reason, that my views would be discredited because I live with a chronic condition and therefore am to close to see the situation clearly. Which led me to ask, "Am I?"

I do a lot of things and believe a lot of things because I have type one diabetes. I support stem cell research (in general, conducted in a moral way) because I want the chance to find a cure. I am more conscientious of what I eat because of what the food can do to my blood sugar. I am intensely interested in endocrinology because of diabetes. I have a profound respect for doctors and nurses. I empathize with kids diagnosed with any condition. And these last four things are where things get fuzzy, is that because of me or because of the me I am due to diabetes. They are so hard to separate!

So when it comes to health care and opinions, I ask and worry, "Am I too close to my own disease to be able to work in the field?" Which then leads to the question, "How do I ensure my diabetes isn't what is seen instead of myself?"

Its very different sharing my disease with someone sitting across from me than sharing it with an unknown class of "someones". Even face to face there are so many misconceptions about diabetes. I know I just need to breathe, relax and realize that in the end its OK I shared my disease with the students in the course. Not everyone imposes judgements, and in fact, most of these students are going into nursing for the very same reasons I am, to make a difference, to help others.

I still feel exposed. I guess that's something I will have to become more comfortable with, sharing this with peers in or going into health care. Slowly, one breath at a time.

Silent all these ... Months

2008-06-05T17:51:00.011-05:00

So there has been a lot going on and blogging went to the wayside, but I've been itching to write again and what better a time than on a gray, thunderstorm day in MN when summer should be in full swing!?!

(outside of Caribou Coffee on Lexington in Roseville; the thunderstorm was not in full swing when I took this and no, neither car is mine, I am not sure whose they are)

Yes, it is raining here in MN and I have to say, quickly, that I adore thunderstorms! While driving in them is never fun everything else is: watching them, running in them, trying to stay dry when there is no chance in hell you can, seeing the lightening and counting the seconds for the thunder FUN FUN FUN. Whew, okay, now that thunderstorm love is out of my system...

So the spring semester ended 3 weeks ago. It took a lot of studying and relaxing but I finally did something I have never done before - working full time and all As in my courses. I was ecstatic when I saw my final grade in anatomy & physiology and a smile was on my face...well even now!

After the end of spring semester I had a week off before summer started, which I used to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Ugg! I hope to avoid getting a tooth pulled ever again. I am still suffering from "tooth" aches during the healing process and can't wait for the sockets to be fully healed. I had a bad time with the oral surgeon for a time after the teeth were pulled but now that its done I am pleased that I will never have to see him again and good riddance!

There have been a lot things that I wanted to blog about but never got to so this is going to be a purge of all those things. Last March I had my A1c tested again, and it wasn't as good as it was in December. After spending all of 2007 with an A1c under 7 it jumped back up in March to 7.3 and I was disappointed but prepared for that as the first three months of the year were so packed with work, school and training to be a CNA. Since then though I noticed I didn't want to tell anyone, didn't want to update my profile on TuDiabetes with my new number, didn't want to talk about it.

I find it interesting how one small change can take all my hard work and make it feel pointless. I was disappointed that I couldn't keep my A1c under 7 during times of stress and upset to think that maybe I need to accept that when things are super scheduled for me diabetes control will be harder to keep in check. At the end of this month I have another A1c lab scheduled and I have that same feeling, its going to be in the 7s floating higher than I want it to be. A lot of times I take results to heart more than I should, and I know this yet I still let a relatively "good" A1c drag me down. I start doubting my self and my abilities with care and then it spills over to other things like when I see that pile of books still in my back seat and taunting me daily that I never put them away, is this a trend in my life that I am uncontrolled and unorganized in general, like my A1c results say? Why is it that for me an A1c result that isn't under 7 makes me a "bad" person? And am I the only one who thinks these things about their diabetes control also determining the person they are?

I spent so many years away from diabetes. Not the disease but the act of caring for it, keeping it in the foreground vs. the background, talking about it, sharing it, hearing other people's stories about it; now I've done a 180 where, if not daily then at least once or twice a week I need to get my fill. To see where other people are at, read over the blogs of people going through exactly what I go through and feel more sane, see that I am not the only one, and I think for that brief moment, "Its OK, we all get upset at our control, even if its really good. There are always frustrations."

And then I pause. Stop. Think again.

There are always frustrations. There are always frustrations. Don't diabetics have a right to live a day with out frustrations? Don't I deserve a day with out frustrations, with out stereotypes about my life style, age, height and weight, the constant check list of diabetes related concerns that can come up? I can't imagine it. I can't. I know that things go smoothly with diabetes from personal experience and of course other people blogging about it. But what if? What if?

Lately I have been asking these questions and getting the strong desire to help, to make a difference in type one diabetes care, to help kids, start a MN support group, create a commercial about diabetes and our needs and rights to research that could potentially give us a cure. SOMETHING. I even have a song picked out and ideas of the scripting that would be used and the images displayed to reach out to other diabetics and to encourage people to know about diabetes and care about finding a cure, raising the funds needed for research. But I have been very motivated in my mind and less motivated in action. And that's OK. It isn't as though I am sitting around not doing anything. I just want to find a way to do more but not overwhelm my self as I must get through school.

So, I am looking at changing careers hoping to find a part time or 3/4 time CNA job in a hospital. I am thinking of how I can create this "commercial" (which in reality would be just a little video clip that me and some friends edit) in time for next years Raise Your Voice for Type One Diabetes awareness day. I have a few friends who are more savvy with computers and videos than I am, but I don't know much about rights and if I can use the song I want to use for a personal video that I put on my blog or YouTube or how that works. And that just leaves a support group. I know everyone is busy but if anyone in MN wants to do a MN meet & greet for bloggers or just people with diabetes looking for support I am all for it. Email me, leave a comment if you know of such a group, or if you are interested in setting up anything let me know; I'm willing to help.

That's about it for now. Summer session is in full swing. I am taking an online course through the rest of this month, medical terminology. And in July I start physical geography and medical dosages. If I do well in these classes all the more chance I have of getting accepted into the nursing program next Fall or Spring.

I am serious about the meet and greet idea too, so let me know! I may not be that up on posting blogs but I am all about events so bring on the ideas and lets plan something!

Raise Your Voice Type One Diabetes!

2008-04-14T11:37:00.008-05:00

I have type one diabetes. I was diagnosed December 7th 1991, two months after my 9th birthday. I remember very little about being diagnosed. I remember I was sick, and that the days before my Mom brought me into the hospital I was refusing to eat anything because I was so thirsty. I vaguely remember my Mom offering me a bowl of cereal and I drank the milk, said I was "done", walked off, and I heard her say, "Amber, you didn't EAT it!" in exasperation. I remember she was trying everything she could to get food in me.

I, like a lot of T1 diagnosed in childhood, thought I merely had the flu, as did my Mom. But after two weeks my Mom was getting concerned, as this wasn't a normal kind of flu. I hadn't eaten in a long time, but I was still throwing up and had collapsed in the bathroom after a vomiting fit. So my Mom brought me to the emergency room at Children's hospital in St. Paul, MN.

What I remember of the hospital is a combination of memory and created memories from what my Mom has told me. My Mom fully thinks thinks I couldn't remember anything because I quickly slipped into a coma after being admitted. But there is this one image in my mind that is so strong I wonder if it isn't real. I remember getting to the hospital and immediately being into a room and laying down in "anatomical position" because there were so many people poking me trying to get blood. I didn't feel the needles, and didn't know why it was so bad that they couldn't get my blood.

My Mom was in a chair next to the bed on my right, and she was crying. She said something about them poking me so much and I said, "Its OK Mom." Then that's it. That's all I remember about my diagnosis. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I didn't remember much because I slipped into a coma.

I think my Mom kept that from me to simplify my disease, but also because I think she feels guilty. Three days before she brought me into the hospital she was in a bad car crash so we were both home sick, and she told me just today that she was trying to care for me with out having to go to the ER. She was all black and blue from the crash, literally. She looked like a human raccoon with deep black circles under her eyes, and bruises down her body. I think she also had a broken nose.

When I think about the emotional pain this disease has brought me and my family that's what tightens my throat and causes tears to well in my eyes. Diabetes doesn't just make my life a constant balance act, it extends its grasp of worry and fear to my Mom, Step Dad, sister, significant other, and close friends. If you know me, you know I think about it all the time and you know that some days I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be on a balance beam all the time.

And while this is MY disease to battle, those who care about me battle the worry that one day the obstacles won't be in my favor. And that isn't fair. It isn't fair that not only do I worry about complications but that everyone I love does too. I know thats how it works when you love someone, but the fact that its TYPE ONE diabetes that does this, how it reaches everyone not only the person being diagnosed, its THAT which is painful.

For all their love and support I am thankful. I couldn't do it everyday with out them. For my Mom, who bears too much worry, I am thankful. For all mothers and fathers who have children with type one diabetes, and people who support someone with T1 diabetes I want to thank them because your love and support make it possible to manage this crappy disease.

There are a lot of things we can talk about today on why type one needs its own day for awareness. I am all about our own day. As is my Mom, Step Dad, sister, boyfriend, and close friends. We all know why Type One awareess is important and are talking about the difference at each chance. Today and for days to come.

My logo

2008-04-08T20:48:00.015-05:00

So I didn't win but I am still proud of my little sketch I produced for Kerri's Type One Diabetes Awareness "Raise Your Voice" logo contest and thought I should share it. I have no idea how to create a digital image and am terrible at drawing, so for me this was challenging indeed! I loved taking part though, and really liked all the logo's submitted. So here is my little pride and joy from this contest:

Go check out the winner !! There are also some sweet T shirts, buttons and magnets with the winning logo on it that you can order to show your support .

Participating in the logo contest gave me a chance to blab to everyone around me about Type One diabetes, why we need our own day for awareness, and what is the difference anyway. That alone was very fulfilling for me because by speading the word I felt like I was making a bit of a difference, all be it with only those who are friends, family, or co-workers.

Monday April 14th is a day to Raise Your Voice for Type One diabetes awareness. I am all hyped up working on a good blog to post that day, and I am excited to show my support by wearing one of those awesome t-shirts!

Yay for diabetes awareness!! And thank you Kerri for this fun contest!!

Mids

2008-03-11T13:56:00.004-05:00

So this week is a crazy week. Its the week of mid-terms at Century College. I have known about this week for the past 7 weeks but still seem to be a little thrown off by how much really is going on. Let me just rant a little about what is being served this week in the life of Amber.

To begin its the last week of my nursing assistant course and we had our last classroom session Monday night. This morning I had a lab test for my anatomy & physiology class (which I just found out I didn't do so hot on boo!), and in about two hours I have my first of two clinical days needed for the nursing assistant certification. Our clinical is expected to be over with at 11:30 tonight. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, its up and at 'em for A&P at 7:30, off to work until 7, meeting with a study group for A&P at 7:30 until 9:30 although I will probably stay and study solo for another hour just because I really need to get all the study hours that I can. Thursday I have my second day of clinical from 2:30 -11:30pm (the morning which will be spent studying for A&P because on Friday we have our mid-term, also bright and early at 7:30 am. Somewhere between now and Saturday afternoon I also need to write a 4 - 6 page paper analyzing the film Billy Elliot and how it relates to interpersonal communication.

ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!

I feel a little insane today and writing about it really helps, so here I am taking a little breather from studying and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Fortunately after this week things will get a lot better for my A&P class; I will have an extra 8 hours a week to devote to studying for it because of the nursing assistant course being over with. Yay! I made it through the first 8 weeks of this semester working full time and trying to do way too much and I am still getting good grades. Here is the concern though, and its always the concern. Diabetes.

I was having a big problem with random lows, and to help with that I dramatically changed my basal rates, and began using the CGMS as much as I can take. I told my doctor I would rather be constantly correcting for a high than worrying about a low. And of course it seems like that has been whats going on. I have been correcting highs, not having very many lows. Now when I say "highs" I don't mean in the 300's or even the upper 200's. But there have definately been more low 200s and upper 100s glucose test results than I'd prefer, and I am worried that my A1c will be back over 7 where I don't want it to be. I will find out at the end of the month what the past semester and basal rate change has done to my A1c. I know if its over 7 I can get it back down. I guess I just want to know that I can manage a hectic life for a short period of time and somehow, maybe with a little bit of magic, keep my diabetes in good control.

I have always been really bad at keeping it controlled under a lot of stress and have always wondered how other T1 diabetics managed life and college and diabetes. Did you give up something, take a lighter course load, work fewer hours? How did you cope? How did you manage it??

I don't know; it isn't really bad. I am not falling into a depression or crying spells, but I can't deny the pessure and mild panic I feel right now.

A lot of the coping strategies I am using I often wish I had the wisdom to use them first time around when I started college right out of high school: know when to ask for help, know my limits, and never, ever let diabetes get the better of me. If its one bad day of blood sugars remind myself that it can be managed, and tomorrow will be better. And its OK that things don't go as planned.

So here's to good studying the next few days! And if anyone has suggestions of what got you through the crazy times in life for you please let me know!

whew, what a ride!

2008-01-18T19:39:00.001-06:00

This week started my first week back to college for Spring semester. Already I feel a mess. My sleep schedule is all off, my work week is different from what it's been for four and a half months and all of this shows in my mood and my work performance. It hasn't hit my diabetes, yet.

And thats the thing about diabetes isn't it? So often I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and cause complete and utter chaos in my life.

I feel like I try to explain that to people and it doesn't sink in. I can be on top of my school work, getting to work, doing well in all other areas of my life despite the sleep deprivaton and I can rest assred that at least those things I am on top of. But diabetes, that tricky little bastard, I never feel that way with it. I never feel like it will be okay, and in fact it only feels more out of control as my stress level goes up (even if that isn't true).

It taunts me in my sleep telling me to get up and treat a low, at work after a stressful call sent my sugar went from 130 to 190 in minutes with no food or drink, as I am leaving work and dropping because I studied over lunch instead of ate, it just taunts me and wears on me and makes all that other stress seem so much worse than it really is.

So often I hear from people with type 2 say, "It doesn't really affect me much. I take my pills/shots, maybe I drink more or pee more but thats it." and I get quizzical looks as to why diabetes, of all things, drives me to tears, anger and exhaustion when its just an extra trip to the bathroom for some. I just want to say at the top of my lungs, "TYPE ONE IS DIFFERENT THAN TYPE TWO! COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"

I do wonder what it would be like having type two. I am sure that there are a whole new set of concerns and complications that I'm ignorant to. I still feel alone with my disease and frustrated at my battles being identified as the same battles as a person with type two. So it goes, the constant battle for understanding, but I digress...

This morning at 9am after class I felt on top of the world and thought that maybe I could really do this crazy work and school schedule afterall. Then started the high/low hills and emotionally I've hit bottom even while my blood sugar runs high.

Whew. Now that I've ranted a bit I do feel better. Isn't that strange how typing about a bad or stressful day can feel so good?

Love it while it lasted. Thats what I did for three wonderful weeks after finals. LOVED the reduction of stress, the increase of sleep, the feeling that I can be a good employee again. The feeling I can even be a good student as I got great grades last semester (yay!). It was wonderful, but it didn't last. Boo.

Yawn. Work day is wrapping up and with school this morning it has been a long day. Nite folks.

Meme time

2007-11-20T23:23:00.000-06:00

Returning after days of exhaustion and studying to post the 7 random things about me meme. Thanks Bernard for tagging me!

So completely random fact 1)
I attended a private high school in the heart of Minneapolis, Minnesota my sophomore year in high school, De La Salle. It was a great experience but I didn't graduate from De for many reasons. But I did seek out that learning environment completely on my own and gained acceptance thanks to great recommendation letters from all my teachers from 7th to 9th grade.

Random thing 2)
I am nicer and more affectionate towards others when my blood sugar is low. Not sure why or when the low turns scary and this surge of nice-ness leaves; but its something I've noticed as has my beau.

Random fact 3)
I not only like the random, not so great movie every now and then, but I also have an odd addiction to reality tv shows, but only the terrible ones. Sunset Tan on the E! station is the first one that comes to mind, anything on E! that's a reality show I can zone out to and most of the MTV reality shows. This is really new to my life as recently as this summer so maybe that won't last. I only watch them when channel surfing and it isn't that big of a concern to me time wise, but I can and do watch them when I am bored. (like that makes it any better...)

Fact 4)
I don't enjoy living in the heart of a city. I would rather live in the suburbs than in the city. Its too loud and busy for my daily tastes. Once in a while its good, or even working in the city is fine, but take me home to land, quiet and open skies and I am happier.

Fact 5)
If I were to get another kitten I would be very fine with naming it Ginny. Jason doesn't like the idea though. I have to work on my suggestion skills some more...

Random Fact 6)
I am not a morning person. Getting up and ready before 8 is damn near impossible for me. I can go all day sleep deprived and stay up late. But get me up early and expect me to look presentable? Not happening. Or not that often.

Fact 7)
My favorite color at this very moment is sage.

So, there they be. The rules of this meme are:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

I am tagging Jenny, and Sasha, Nikki, Wil, and anyone else who may not have been tagged yet as I keep finding those who have! Nite folks!

Do you believe?

2007-11-15T22:41:00.000-06:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking about evolution and biology lately. That is what we are covering in my biology class right now and I just casually talked to my best friend of over 12 years about it only to discover she didn't believe in it. I was floored. I think my jaw literally dropped to the table when she told me that.

I've come to the understanding now that it is fine for her to not believe in evolution because it really is her choice what she believes in, but out of curiosity I began asking other people close to me, "Do you believe in evolution? Why or why not."

I had forgotten how upsetting the evolution question is to people. Some people said they didn't want to believe we (humans) came from apes, while others said yes with no hesitation. Some said it conflicted with their religious beliefs, while some thought God was the puppet master behind evolution and accepted it.

I can't help believe in evolution; it just makes sense to me and the evidence is overwhelming. And I wonder if I feel so strongly about biology and evolution because of my diabetes. Diabetes really spiked my interest in biology as a kid and that interest continued into teens and adulthood.

As I take these two classes this semester I encounter biology, evolution, inheritable traits, genetics, environmental influences a lot and maybe because of this I've been thinking about my self and my disease more. Where ever we humans evolved from, whatever creation story you believe in, research in biology can save lives, can change lives and does every day. While I don't think I will be alive when there is a cure for type one diabetes I still hope for that day.

Biology, evolution, creation, cure, its as though they mean the same to me. I pray to God for advancements in research leading to a cure and I have faith that biologists will ask the right questions, study new things to come upon more answers. Where we came from I don't know, but I do know that the hope we don't talk of often in my life and that so many others are crying for can be found through biology. So I believe in biology, the evolution theory that comes with it, and God, and at times I believe that a cure is with in reach and waiting to be discovered.

Late night, no time to write

2007-11-14T23:59:00.000-06:00

So my night of studying went well, I completed all but 4 or 5 questions of my worksheet for bio that I turn in tomorrow and those I can finish while at work tomorrow. In all aspects my biology class is going wonderfully.

Its the other class that worries me, developmental psychology. I have a test this Saturday in that class and am beginning to freak out about it. When it comes to classes that don't have a lot of direction from the professor and you're expected to know all the information from three chapters I am a little fuzzy on how to tackle that. Tomorrow and Friday I will be studying for that class.

I just realized that all of the sudden it seems my schedule got busy. When did that happen? I have something to attend every day for the next four days and when it isn't a social event that I agreed to attend, I have cleaning, studying, and spending time with my nephews who I hardly see even though I live with them. I guess I should become aware of this as that's how my life will go until I am done with the Nursing program.

And I am a little late in saying this but its world diabetes day, check it out.

Either way, its late, and though there is much to talk about I need to get to bed. Until tomorrow night then, adieu.

I'm not there, yet.

2007-11-13T22:11:00.000-06:00

So this daily blogging isn't my thing I've decided. I don't have that much to say about diabetes, or many things that are actually uplifting, or inspirational; in fact more often I am just pissed off and trying my hardest to not let that show through my blogging.

But I can't, I just can't anymore. So I didn't blog last night because staring at the blank screen that used to be inspirational is no longer motivational, because I can't stay positive about most things and trying to find 30 minutes to an hour each day and chat lightly about the crap that happened with diabetes or with work and diabetes, or with life in general and then put a nice little twist on it in the end, no. No no no no NO.

Not that anger and pessimism is okay it's not, and it isn't healthy to walk around with negative thoughts all day and accepting those thoughts as true, and that isn't what I want to do with my blog. Somehow I have convinced my self that being positive is the way to go with blogging. And with that expectation I put a lot of pressure on myself to be that positive blogger that I want and yearn to be, but I'm not. I'm not there yet with my diabetes nor my life. I'm working towards it but I am just not there.

I hate this disease. I hate how it drains me and makes me tired after a low or a high; I hate the cost of this disease and how its draining my pocket book every month; I hate that my work place doesn't get it and sometimes even those close to me don't get it either, and I hate that I feel like I am always on the defensive with diabetes.

"No, I have type one; yes I take insulin; yes I can eat a piece of cake; yes I have to poke my finger a lot; no I don't know why my blood sugar is low ask me again when its back to normal and I don't have 20 other things to get back to so I can actually take time to look at my pump and meter and see what went wrong and when; yes I have a lot of lows I don't know why I need to talk to my doctor about it."

On and on with explanations and definitions and treatment descriptions and always seeking an understanding but never finding it, instead always trying to provide it to another.

Movies

2007-11-11T22:44:00.000-06:00

So I forgot to mention that I found my iPod USB cable. Guess where it was. In my car, in the center console where I didn't think to look Thursday night. I found it on Friday morning.

Tonight we watched Amelie. It was great! Jason, my boyfriend, and I have a "quest" as I like to call it of watching all of our movies in alphabetical order. We both worked for Blockbuster Video for over 5 years, so combined we have a ton of movies, I think in total his collection is just over 600 movies and mine is around 200. Yikes!

This was his brilliant idea, and we started with the numbers in June this year. We are still in the A's and will be for a while. Our average is one movie per week, mainly because of me and school. We will allow ourselves to stray if there is a new release on DVD that we both want to see (or that one can convince the other to watch as in License to Wed last, that was all my choice and pleading).

Before Amelie there was Alphaville, last night before I got low. It was a visually striking and beautiful movie but not my taste. I can appreciate the ideas behind it but something just didn't feel right about the plot, as if there were chunks of the story left out or missing. I don't know, I am no movie critic, I leave that to him. Last Sunday's choice was okay. Not as funny as I had hoped but okay. I liked Because I Said So better though (talking of Mandy Moore movies).

American Beauty is our next movie. Its number 28. The B movies start in at least 20 more titles, not counting mine. Maybe this was a crazy idea...but then again, its entertainment that we own already and some of our movies we haven't watched together. Like All That Jazz, from my collection, he had never seen.

The goal to to watch our movie list so we can experience them together. I admit, I am a little worried about Moulin Rouge because I love that movie and I don't think he will, but then again that's what this quest is all about. Giving each other the chance to see what we both love in films, sometimes again (like 300 or Adaptation) or for the first time together (like AI or Amelie).

American Beauty is a duplicate for us, we've seen it together before but not in a long time. Its my guess that it will take 8 years to get through the list. We are both aware of the length of time that it will take, but aren't daunted by it. I've known him since high school and hope to know him for the rest of my life so, 8 years of movie watching - here we go.

blah

2007-11-10T23:55:00.000-06:00

When I'm 54 I feel like I'm a child again. I can't think logically, I run with my emotions and wants, I don't want to listen to anyone.

An hour after being 54 I am exhausted, tired, crabby. I can understand that I feel this way because how I felt moments before but I don't like it. Thats where I am now and I am going to sleep. I am testing at a steady 139, lets hope things go well over night.

D-Blog Day

2007-11-09T20:03:00.000-06:00

This is pretty cool. I have only been blogging every so often this year but really appreciate the connections I feel to other bloggers. The simple knowledge that there are other people out there just as determed as I am, fighting just as hard, and just as easily scared or upset by diabetes helps me. So, thanks other bloggers for letting me feel connected when I feel so isolated most other times in the diabetes struggle. So here's to everyone. Cheers!

where is my USB cable?

2007-11-08T22:27:00.000-06:00

So the day was going well. I got up on time, got to work on time, actually ate a breakfast, didn't have any highs or lows, got out of work early with time to study for my bio test, watched an interesting video in class, went home enjoying my ipod and decided to put some new music on it.

Then comes the anger, Where the hell is my USB cable for the ipod? This cable has been floating around the sea of my purse for at least a week, I saw it just this morning! Now when I need it, its nowhere to be found. What. The. Hell?!?

I am not the most organized person in the world mind you. When I loose something I often say that the missing item is "lost in the abyss of my car" because there is so much stuff in my trunk and back seat (even passenger seat some days when I am packing an overnight bag). Its a little unorganized right now because everything was thrown about when I had to suddenly break for some idiot who decided to turn left in front of me when I was going nearly 40 miles an hour and just entering the intersection. It was a scary stop but I was safe just jumbled, as was everything in my car. I know I know, I shouldn't have so much stuff in my car and should spend a good amount of time cleaning it out. I think I have a bag of 9 or 10 paperback books in my back seat that I have intended to shelve for the last few weeks, but its still there, books a skew now in my back seat, some on the floor of the car.

Either way, the point is that I tend to misplace things often either in my car or my huge purse that I carry for all my diabetes crap. When I can't find something I have had with me for a while in either place I begin to get upset. It used to be, years ago, that when I lost or misplaced something I had my whole apartment, bag and purse to search and I feel that I've gotten better at keeping things in place, even when their place isn't organized at least I know where it is.

A part of me questions if the damn cable would have even been with me if I didn't carry such a big purse and then it turns to simmering thoughts to diabetes because I really did buy the purse for that very reason - to carry more diabetes supplies with out feeling everything could fall out any moment. That and when I get upset either my blood sugar rises or my anger is all the quicker to flare because blood sugars aren't ideal.

And this little gizmo is new for me; I've only had it one month and used that cable maybe three times. I don't want to loose it and actually have to see how irresponsible and unorganized my life is despite how hard I try to keep it organized and stay responsible.

And maybe that's the root of my anger right now. I feel like I spend so much time thinking about my day and planning my day for work, school, diabetes, and general life that when something as simple as a cord going missing happens it just gives me more shit to think about. Did I only think I saw it in my purse? Did I leave it at Jason's? At work? Did it fall out when I was walking through my work? Or even worse when I was on campus this afternoon and evening? Did someone take it when I wasn't looking? Or am I just not seeing it?

sigh. Its silly I know. Silly that simple things can cause such a interruption of my night and that I let it get to me. For now I will just have to resign my self to the fact that the cable isn't with me, and I will need to be patient with myself in finding it. Until then I can use CDs or listen to the songs I have on the ipod already.

Its so easy to do that with loosing a USB cbale! You should see me when I misplace something important like my glucometer. Oh man, keeping me calm is nearly impossible at those times and I really do end up searching everywhere just in case, like in the old days. Thank God this isn't something crucial!

I may need an extra break

2007-11-07T22:08:00.001-06:00

Yawn. I waited too long to work on a post and now I can hardly type or think.

I spent a good portion of my night going over practice interview questions with my step-Dad. There was a question that he asked me that gave me a pause, "Can you perform your job with reasonable accommodation?"

"Yes I can." I said and didn't hesitate. But then I stopped and thought, "Unless I have to treat a low blood sugar and need an extra 15 - 30 minute break. But this only happens once or twice a month."

No matter how often it happens or doesn't happen though, its an extra break that isn't scheduled, predictable, or even easily explained to someone who doesn't have experience with diabetes. Even when I do explain it sometimes I feel like it isn't really understood because I get that look that says, "Really? You need this time to drink some juice and even when you've drank it you can't get right back to work for another 10 or up to 20 minutes?"

For this reason, the fact that so many people in financial institutions don't understand health issues, is why I can't wait to finish my degree. Not that a health care job or a nursing job would be any more forgiving than any other job, but at least I know that it would be more understood.

Sensor, sensor, updates

2007-11-06T22:03:00.001-06:00

I placed my order for sensors three weeks ago and they finally arrived this morning, yay! While its going on two months being on the CGMS it doesn't feel like it, because I've been spacing out using the sensors for the very reason above, they are always on back order. Its also nice to have only one site on my body to worry about instead of two. With a new box of ten sensors I am good for at least six weeks unless I decide to wear the CGM all the time.

Even though this little device is so new to my diabetes care I was jumping and shouting for joy when I saw the sensor delivery box at my door. There is something relieving having this hooked up, like I don't have to worry as much about lows in the morning or swings during the day because all I need do is take a quick peek at the menu and see whats going on with my sugars. The biggest down fall with it is that sometimes it just doesn't catch a quick rise or drop in glucose. Like two Sunday's ago when two hours after eating I was in the 500's, what did the sensor tell me then? 220. In a situation like this Borat would have a blast yelling "NOT" at my pump screen and poor body.

As it turns out from the time I tested that Sunday morning and ate lunch, my site some how kinked and I wasn't getting the bolus that should have covered my lunch, and lord knows about the basal but that was probably null and void too. Can sleeping on your infusion site (if its in your thigh) cause the cannula to kink? Because I will go one, two days with everything fine only to wake up one morning, eat something and shoot up higher can be only to discover a kink.

Hmmm, yea I don't know but aside from kinks the CGMS seems to really help with blood sugar swings. A part of me asks, "Does it really help, or do I just feel like it does because its something I can control that helps me control my diabetes?" I almost feel a little like a control freak! HaHaHa, nah if I were I wouldn't have eaten candy nearly every day for the last two weeks, damn Halloween... I just like the technology that allows this type of control and aids in management.

Changing thoughts now, I am hopefully trying out a new site area for the second time with the sensor, my thigh. It worked pretty well last time around, and I was able to get six days out of the sensor before it was torn out between charges of the transmitter. So we'll see how it goes this time.

Also, I keep telling myself to become more active and am thinking of getting some good work out play lists created, any suggestions of music that keeps you up and running and active?

Lastly, I have my school schedule figured out for the next year and hopefully by this time next year I will be able to confidently say I am a candidate and good competitor for acceptance into the nursing program. Until I can get accepted into the program I am taking the pre-requisites part time so I can work as much as possible. Planning my schedule helps keep me feel better about all of this work/school/diabetes/life management. So far, this semester is going smoothly, but I always get a little panicky around test time or when a big paper is due. Its getting better though, and I am definitely learning how to manage my time better and stay ... less stressed. Calm I am still working on but its getting there!

So, until tomorrow night then, Adieu.

Here comes winter

2007-11-05T22:28:00.000-06:00

How long can one stare at the white computer screen before it becomes intimidating? Am I the only one who feels that way about blogging sometimes?

Sometimes I get so used to talking about the same things, and thinking the same things because I talk to so many different people about diabetes and work and school and life, that when it comes down to me and the blank screen I come up silent. My fingers don't know what to type, my mind asks the question, "Where to now?" and the answer that keeps returning to me today is the weather.

In MN its getting closer and closer to our first snow, at least in the Twin Cities, and you can just feel it happening. I almost expect to look outside on my lunch tomorrow and see snow falling. The wind is fast and crisp to your skin and the sky looks a little farther away, drawing away its heat for months and months to come. And that's how you know, winter is on her way.

I can't help but feel as though fall went by far too fast and that this winter will take too long. But we shall see.

There are always the snow angels to keep you company when it snows.

Bad Movie Sunday

2007-11-04T21:17:00.000-06:00

I have a bad habit that I am indulging today. Mainly, terrible movies. Okay, not terrible movies but not the greatest most thought provoking films either.

I am really really excited to see License to Wed. It came out on DVD last week and I have just been dying to see it. Another one that I can't wait for is Enchanted, the Disney movie that starts animated but then turns to real life (and also has Patric Dempsey in it, that's made for oh, pre-adolescent girls, yea that one). Most things with Mandy Moore in it I want to see...and it just doesn't jive well with the rest of my movie collection.

The other movies I own, if they could talk, would say,"What the hell happened to your sense of dialogue?" or "I thought you liked emotionally charged dramas that made you question life, what are you doing with that in the DVD player?".

I don't know what else to say, so it goes. I like the good and the not so good movies, even the ones that are just to gain a profit; if it looks light hearted, has an actor I like that hasn't hit too big yet, or looks creepy but with good effects, I'll probably want to see it.

There are some things I won't see, like Saw 4, I mean really, how many movies does there have to be of the same idea? But I did see Saw in theaters and liked it.

So, trashy romantic, new concept of a horror film, anything with Mandy Moore, I'll probably see. But not the sequel, or the trilogy. Unless I really love it (Like Harry Potter or Elizabeth: The Golden Age; I loved the first and the sequel and would probably see a third if it was made).

Some things are just a guilty pleasure - only I don't feel too guilty most of the time about my joy of an average or even poorly rated film.

Darkness to light

2007-11-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

So, I have been seeing a counselor for numerous reasons over the past few months. I usually see her on Friday mornings before work, and at yesterday's appointment we talked about my terrible Thursday with diabetes. I wanted to share that burden with someone who could talk me off my emotional ledge about it and help me stay off it. It helped, because she actually made me feel normal, like what I was feeling was understandable and okay. One thing led to another and she decided that on my next visit (probably few visits) we will go over a list of some of the most difficult times in my life, the traumatic times. We started with any childhood experiences that I remember or had heard of in stories but didn't get any farther than about age 2 or 3 because there just wasn't enough time. She asked me to think of those difficult times with out judgment so we can talk about them next time.

The big question I have is probably a silly one, but I have to ask it anyway: was being diagnosed with diabetes traumatic? Of course it was to our family dynamic and to my body, but when I look at my emotions of that time, it doesn't feel traumatic. In fact, of all the difficult times in my life I would have to say that this is the one time where I felt completely safe and supported and that it wasn't the end of the world. I was nine when I was diagnosed, and I hope to be able to write a more eloquent diagnosis story, because I know its a good one, but am not quite there yet. Maybe I will be by the end of the month (cross my fingers).

Here is the thing, I can remember life before diabetes. It was fine, I was a typical kid with an older sibling. I liked school and reading a lot. And none of that changed, the only thing that changed for me was what I could eat and that I had to take shots and prick my finger. I was still Amber, just with out the root beer float treats or the sweets at holidays.

I think its a little silly of me to question if being diagnosed was traumatic or not because I know it is, its a time where everything changed. But I took it well. It wasn't until my late teens that I began to feel something negative about being a diabetic. It wasn't until I noticed that diabetes put more limits on me than I wanted to live with when things really began to conflict. Some of those conflicts led to rebellion towards diabetes. I didn't want to test my blood suagr, I didn't cover my foods as I should have, I ate whenever and whatever I wanted and justified it because I could cover it. I didn't think it could stop me.

This post is a little jumbled I realize, but I guess I am just wondering where was the trauma with diabetes because it didn't seem traumatic until later in life. Until I started paying for the medical bills and prescriptions, and counting the minutes that I couldn't work because I was treating a low knowing that I couldn't get paid for that time.

I really wanted to be positive on this post, so I guess I'll end it by saying that all those feelings about diabetes is starting to get my attention and thought which can only lead to healing and hopefully better management. If I make my December A1c under 7 I will have spent a full year with an A1c under 7 for...I can't even remember how long! But a long, long time. To say that I did it will be a great accomplishment.

Thats what I will keep in mind, that there are always things to strive for and fight for, even when its difficult managing this disease.

"Small moves ,Amber, small moves."

Terrible

2007-11-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

I was sent an email by my sister to check out this article. Its from a local news station in MN and explains how Randy Gallemeyer, a type one diabetic, died in jail last month. His parents dropped off his meter and insulin and supplies the day he was arrested. He was held for 48 hours, at the end of which he died. His blood sugar was in the 1200's.

I am outraged and stunned at how something like this could happen. But mainly it just makes me really, really sad. I can begin to try and imagine what took place to cause a blood sugar in the 1200's, no basal insulin injection, no bolus for food or drink. Then comes the questions.

What the hell was the jailer doing that they didn't realize something was wrong?

Was he pleading for help and his requests were ignored?

Didn't anyone notice how often he went to the bathroom, the vomiting, the retching, the constant request for water. Do they give water to people in jail?

If not then maybe there weren't frequent bathroom trips, but there had to be something, anything to signal an alert to the jailer.

More questions like why didn't the nurse give instructions?

Was there a nurse there on Saturday? Was anyone there who had a functioning mind?

The family is considering a wrongful death lawsuit against the county and its sheriff's office. I don't know much about legal rights in jail or about law, but maybe someone else does. Lets get this horrible situation noticed, maybe there is a way to help.

The family is in my prayers.

Welcome to November!

2007-11-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

So after an October filled with swinging blood sugars and extreme highs, an overall blood sugar average somewhere around 190, the first day of November is proving to be very different. I woke up this morning around 1:30am with a low of 53, starving and lost because my stock of juice was depleted. I wandered upstairs looking for left over Halloween candy and found two Butter Finger fun size bars, a fin size Twix, a Reese's Pieces peanut butter cup, plus two handfuls of Parmesan and Oregano Wheat Thins . Yum! Despite all of that candy and starch, I woke up at 7:30 with at a healthy 131.

That was the last time that I saw a normal blood sugar until 6pm. Let me just say, floating between 50 and 80 all day while working at a job that doesn't allow any personal time is a bitch. Luckily I had a break between work and school, but when I got to my car I just broke down and cried. It was so much energy and so stressful to feel sweaty, shaky, confused yet trying to focus for 8 hours while worrying where my blood sugar was and where it was going. It pissed me off and drained me; pissed off that I had to always be the one to try and fix these situations and prevent them in the future, pissed that my great doctor was on vacation and couldn't email me suggestions, furious that I couldn't explain why it was happening. Why, why, why when I haven't changed my insulin vial, my pump infusion set, nothing that should effect my blood sugar so drastically in one day was altered, so please God, why?

As I drove to class I debated on if I should go or not for fear of battling another low. I made it an hour and a half early to class and decided to talk to my professor, see what was on the menu for class tonight and how important it would be to attend. I walked into her office at an uncertain 78. She gave me the handouts and said that she didn't want me to feel obligated to neglect my health to attend class. Afterward, an hour away from class, I decided to go home and rest for the evening. Home being Jason's house and Jason wasn't home yet. I sat waiting for him and decided to test again even though it was only 30 minutes from my last test, I was worried about it dropping again. While pulling out my meter and poking my finger for a drop of blood I said to my self, "If its anywhere near normal, I'm going to class." 97. 97!

Somehow seeing that number lifted from me out of my slump of lows and I decided to treat my self to a double cheeseburger from Burger King. I had three hours of class to last through and I wasn't going on an empty stomach with a 20 ounce of Coke. I covered half what I usually would have for the cheeseburger, and hoped for the best. I kept a temp basal rate going of 50% what it would usually have been and lasted the entire class over 85 and under 130. It was wonderful!

Now, of course in true diabetes fashion my blood sugar is a little too high. Maybe the trends of October aren't gone completely.

I still don't understand what the hell was going on, but hey, I made it through the day and through my class. Amen for that.

Pump and Pills with formatting issues

2007-10-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

I keep trying to get the format of this post just right but it simply isn't working. So here goes! Sorry for the odd spacing!

So I have been on the new Minimed Paradigm CGM sensor and pump for nearly 4 weeks now. Let me just say, this thing is awesome! I have figured out when is a good time to calibrate it and when it isn't, what time of day to start the sensor, and even what days of the week work best for me when starting or changing the sensor. I am still working on the first day because it seems to have extra calibrations worked into that first day and sometimes it is hard to find a "good" time to calibrate either because of a low or the fact that I just ate and my blood sugar is going up. That'll smooth out over time though.

Somethings that I don't like about the sensor are if it has a weak signal for too long (and I forget the actual length of time) you have to restart with a 3-hour wait again. Thats a little dissapointing especially if it happens in the first 6 hours of the sensor. Also I still haven't figured out a good place to attach the sensor. My body and the equipment seem to respond best to my obliques, but my sense of fashion doesn't like this. Lastly, the sensor has actually been great about notifying me of a low but highs it seems to miss all together. I will check the pump screen to see what the sensor says and test only to find out that I'm in the 200's, a sharp contrast to the 140 the sensor says.

Overall though I am really liking it! If anyone has any suggestions on the calibration or good sites that work for you I'd really appreciate it.

The Diabetes Expo is in town this Saturday. I am excited to go and see some of the new products offered as well as the presentations. Unfortunately because of class I will miss out on the morning altogether, but the afternoon looks promising.

I have started two new medications for cholestrol and blood pressure in the last month too. The blood pressure pill is mainly a precaution. Over the last year I have noticed that my blood pressure is testing higher and higher when ever I visit the doctor. I am really scared about developing hypertension . It was actually ironic when I told my Endo this, because for the past 9 months he has been telling me to take a pill for cholestrol and I resisted him entirely. I think initially in February the conversation went something like this:

Doctor B - "Okay Amber we need to get you on a cholestrol pill."

me - "Ahh, no, I don't think so." (with a smile)

Doctor B - "Really, why don't you think so?"

me - "Give me 3 months to really crack down on diet and exercise and I bet my cholestrol will be better."

Three months later -

Doctor B - "So, you really need to take a cholestrol pill."

me - "Are you sure?"

Fortunately I have a great doctor and he doens't get mad at me but just laughs, which makes me laugh because I know he can tell I am really resistant to this.

Doctor B - "Yes, Amber. Why are you so against this pill?"

A great question! Why am I? I thought about it for a while.

me - "Its like a life sentence, once I start taking it I have to continue. Its just another thing that I have to continue to do to manage this disease. But if I can better my habits or my life style and naturally lower my cholestrol I would like to do that than taking a pill."

Doctor B - "And how has that been going? Are you exercising frequently?"

me - "No, not consistently, but its been really difficult!"

My Endo smiled, and nodded in agreement. It is difficult to form that habit if it isn't there, even if you do exercise regularly continuing to do so is also a challenge.Then he said something that has really stuck with me.

Doctor B - "Amber your diabetes is great in all areas. As a non-diabetic, I wouldn't be concerned about your cholestrol. As a diabetic though, that is the one thing that is preventing you from having great management."

He gave me a prescription, I held onto it, finally filled it weeks after seeing him and groaned to discover how TINY the pill was and that the pharmacy gave me a pill that I had to cut in half. I didn't have a pill cutter. Guess how long it took me to get one?

Three months later -

I send him an email before my third endo appointment this year to ask about labs and if I could get them done before my appointment. "Oh and by the way, I didn't start taking that prescription you gave me three months ago, I just now got a pill cutter."

I fought him for 9 months over that damn pill. Needless to say he was shocked when I mentioned that I thought I was pre-hypertension. After looking at my chart he noticed the trend too and sighed to have to give me another pill Rx.

A little side note, I really like my endo. He is great, lets me email him concerns and always seems to know the right question to ask and the right encouragement to give. When I brought up the pre-hypertension thought I was fearing, I didn't expect a pill. I was just as shocked as I am sure he was when he handed it to me.

But then he asked, "Why is it that I had to fight you to take a cholestrol pill, but you are willingly taking a hypertension pill?"

I wanted to cry because that is a great question to ask. And all I could say was, "Because I am scared. Scared of what not treating it can do. And I still haven't been exercising regularly."

I really feel defeated when I think about those pills. Insulin I can handle, that makes sense to me, these pills just seem to confirm my bad habits. Damn.

Lastly its was CSR appreciation last week at work. Me and five of my co-workers dressed up as the female village people for our 70's day on Friday!

Then after wards I went bowling with friends and that was awesome!! Here is me, Nichole and Becca who put together the evening activities or dinner after work and bowling (Becca was the cop in the Village Veople).

Even though apparently I can't bowl, but that is a different story!

Finally...

2007-08-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

So there are a lot of new things going on.

I started going back to school (part time) for nursing and classes started this week. I think I may have found something I can attend school for and be successful at while working and managing good diabetes control. I'm trying to take it one assignment at a time so as to not overwhelm my self.

This Thursday the sensors for the MiniMed Paradigm CGMS will arrive after a long wait of nearly 4 weeks since order. I CAN'T WAIT to get started on the CGMS. YAY!!!
And I just saw on MiniMed's site that they have signed a deal with LifeScan for a new glucometer that will work with their pumps and the CGMS which will be released in early 2008 (cross our fingers). My first meter was a One Touch and I have always preferred LifeScan meters over other brands. When I got the pump I switched to the BD meter that worked with it and was sad to say good-bye to my OneTouch. Exciting that we will be reunited next year

So, good news! I'll update on the new CGMS after the classes and I start using it. (So excited for that day!)

"...Its my dreams you take"

2007-08-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

I've been quiet lately, not between my beau and I, no, but on a whole quiet. I feel the need to spill those thoughts that I have been silencing in my head. Yet another thing I am sorry for, these terrible thoughts. The lack of belief, faith in anyone, especially myself.

God, depression, it hurts so much and yet seems to stem with absence. I am reminded of the novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being. How sometimes the lightness of being is so freeing and yet such a crushing freedom to some at the same time. Depression is never freeing, yet I find it to be especially crushing. Some days I just want to sleep, keep those heavy lids closed to the world because finding the joy is difficult lately. I am forced to ask my self if this is how I will always think, is this how I will always feel, will it never go away and most importantly, how can I make it stop?

I have never been good at editorials or expressing my opinions. Ask my opinion and I will try to find the least offensive answer, but there in lies the problem, an opinion isn't an answer. The topics from which you will get a straight opinion out of me are health and education. Yet I have so little to offer to these topics! I ask myself what words of wisdom can I share, what great experiences do I have that will enlighten others, help others? I look at my experiences with a deep regret and sadness. Very few experiences am I happy I had the chance to have. Yet all of them were found from seeking a dream I held close to my heart.

I have tried so many times at college, none with success. Hamline went OK the first year, but I drove myself insane and my A1c was so high, 17, starting my sophomore year at Hamline my doctor told me I had to quit work or school or else I was going to end up killing myself. So I left Hamline, regret number one. The colleges since then have only proven to be worse of an experience, either I dropped my health or dropped my grades or both. Yet college was my dream growing up.

Tomorrow (later today I guess) I am supposed to go to Century College and attend an orientation for their nursing program. Slowly reality is beginning to hit me though. What makes now any different than the other failed attempts? In reality I am a in a far worse situation to go back to school. My diabetes is finally good, true, but my finances are shot to hell and my car isn't working. My credit it terrible and I live paycheck to paycheck with little or no extra cash from one to the next; unexpected expenses are out of the question. So what am I doing, trying to go back to school? What the fuck am I thinking? I sit here awake though I should be sleeping, trying to decide if its even worth it going to that last minute orientation tomorrow (later today). I said I would go, I took the time off to go. But really, how can I?

I can sense already what it will do. It will inspire me to work hard, it will give me false hope that I am not trapped in corporate America with my care giving nature overlooked, it will make me taste the possibility of a better life. The next day I will go to work and think and ponder over how I will pay for it. Then later this week I will apply for student loans and be denied because of bad credit. I'll try multiple lenders, hoping for a miracle yet fearing the day I will have to pay it back because I struggle with the loans I currently have. Fearing the day where I can't do it all. I can't work 30 hours a week and take classes; I can't lack in sleep and go to class, I can't focus on school at work and I can't let the stress of work go because it really effects me so much it sucks the joy out of the rest of my life, let alone a life I am merely hoping to attain.

And I just cry thinking about it all and how terrified I am. Terrified of staying where I am and remaining this unhappy, terrified of trying again because what if it doesn't work? What makes me think I can do this?

To top it all off I just feel alone. I realize there are other diabetics out there, other amazing people who have overcome a ton of obstacles while managing T1 diabetes or any disease or life challenge. What kept them going?

Thats some of the smoke emitted from the burning thoughts in my head.

What do YOU think? I need some opinions!

2007-07-02T17:26:00.001-05:00

Okay I have decided to look into a CGMS system and wanted to know what others thought about the MiniMed paradigm pump/sensor.

I found out my insurance rocks and will cover the cost and supplies 90% but I don't want to invest in it if it turns out it isn't a great product.

So, anyone using a CGMS: what do you like about it, what do you use, what don't you like about it?

I am all ears!!

Sometimes I feel like I should apologize (for who I am).

2007-06-24T23:09:00.000-05:00

I am sorry I am a little neurotic and random.
I am sorry that I sometimes have a negative view on life.
I am sorry that I didn't do better in college and am now paying for it.
I am sorry that sometimes my low and high blood sugars control my mood.
I am sorry I suffer from depression, a deep silent killer that wears me down daily, I'm sorry.
I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to see as a teen that I was letting diabetes get the better of me, along with everything else that happened in those years.
I am sorry that I find it hard to manage my diabetes.
I am sorry that I am not better at it.
I am sorry that it can consume me on days and exhaust all of my being.
I am sorry that I detach myself from others because I feel they don't understand.
I am sorry that to the above statement I want to finish with the comment, "But, really, unless you're living it, you don't understand."
I am sorry I don't thank those close to me nearly enough for all your help and all you put up with. I'm working on that.
I am sorry my sister feels she will have to donate a kidney to me one day.
I am sorry my Mom cries when talking about the day I was diagnosed and the worry she feels for me every day.
I am sorry I feel so alone and can't reach out to those closest to me and mend that feeling.
I am sorry I never talked to anyone about it and still find it difficult to do so. I am sorry.

Please forgive me; for all this and any future errors or mistakes I may make. I am only a young woman, trying to find her place in this world and work with her disease. Late is better than never, right?

Late but fun Meme

2007-06-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

I may be a few days late but its still fun!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
ugggg, I should do something with my hair

2. How much cash do you have on you?
cash, what cash? I may have some spare change...

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Bore

4. Favorite planet?
Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
KK my sister

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Ringtone 10 - its this odd calming tune, but I don't use it because I'd never realize that my phone was ringing.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Merona scoop neck 3/4 sleeve in cream

8. Do you label yourself?
sometimes yes

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:
Mossimo (what can I say I love Target)

10. Bright or Dark Room?
bright

12. Why is there always a missing question?
what missing question?

13. What does your watch look like?
I actually don't wear a watch, I carry a pump and a cell phone

14. What were you doing at midnight last night?
just getting to bed

15. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"u luv her" from my sister about her cat that leaves evil piles of litter out side the litter box

16. Where is your nearest 7-11?
no clue, do we even have those in MN??

17. What's a word that you say a lot?
particular or really

18. Who told you he/she loved you last?
my madre

19. Last furry thing you touched?
My sister's cat - Peachie!

20. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
good ol' Novolog, I don't think I even took painkillers!

21. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
none, but there are a lot of digital pics that we need to print!

22. Favorite age you have been so far?
24

23. Your worst enemy?
Umm, not sure, maybe my pancreas??

24. What is your current desktop picture?
no pic -- we can't have them at work and my home computer is on the fritz like my car

25. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Thank you for calling, have a nice day"--at work, or in a conversation I willingly started, "yea, the Vikings as people aren't the greatest..."

26. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
I'm going for the "gold"

27. Do you like someone?
Well, I love my BF but I also have this odd facination with my Endo...

28. The last song you listened to?
In Gods Hands by Nelly Furtado

29. What time of day were you born?
4:11am

30. What's your favorite number?
7

31. Where did you live in 1987?
I think West St. Paul, MN in "The Bungalow"

32. Are you jealous of anyone?
Natalie Portman! She is a movie star, beautiful woman and she is now going to an ivy league college; she's got it made.

33. Is anyone jealous of you?
not that I know of, but I couldn't imagine why one would be

34. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In my dorm room just waking up. It was crazy, classes were canceled that day and we sat watching the news and then there was a lot of conversation on who was behind it, why, and the shock.

35. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
try pushing the button multiple times then accept defeat and sigh deeply

36. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes

37. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
on my neck or wrists or by my right hip

38. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French or Latin

39. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes

40. Are you touchy-feely?
Not with people; I am with animals and when I shop, I like to grab things and put them back or admire them

41. What's your life motto?
I don't exactly have one grand sweeping motto for my life, just little motivational boosters

42. Name three things you have on you at all times:
minimed pump/glucometer, ID, my WF Visa Debit Card

43. What's your favorite town/city?
I really liked Salem and Boston!

44. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Diet Coke from vending machine at work. Other wise, I paid my sister in cash for our shared car insurance last month

45. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
at the end of my junior year in high school ...

46. Can you change the oil on a car?
no, probably not, it seems simple enough but I tend to break things and I'd hate to mess things up (more) with my car!

47. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Still with him - He just told me he wants to get a new job and he is willing to pick me up from work tonight

48. How far back do you know your ancestry?
great-grandparents

49. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
I wore a strappy, empire waist dress that was a natural brown color for a wedding I attended with Jason (my boyfriend) June 9th.

50. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my neck and head, I always have a headache it seems...

51. Have you ever been burned by love?
I have been deeply hurt by what I thought was love, but I see in hind sight that it wasn't love

52. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
No, but I am finding new fascinating blogs every day so that could change I suppose :D

53. Where would you like to live?
I am torn between MN, AZ and somewhere on the east coast, but I haven't visited enough places I am interested in to be able to say "HERE is where I want to live"

And yet again the vial gets to me...

2007-06-14T09:52:00.001-05:00

This isn't working. Look:

It is large and the vial is difficult to get to. This is the "new" glucometer case that BD sent me to accommodate for the larger vial. It just doesn't work. The strip touches the case when the meter is left in the case and is tilited up a little from the case getting in the way.Ok, maybe I am expecting too much from them, I mean, you have to be able to get your whole finger in a vial to get the test strip out, of course!
None the less I am so disappointed in this change. It is inconvenient and becoming a hassle to test my blood sugar. When testing becomes inconvenient and frustrating I tend not to do it and I can see that happening as I sit here fuming at this terrible design. I don't want to test. Just looking at the case pisses me off. Let alone trying to maneuver the strip vial or the actual glucometer so that I can fit the strip in the meter with out having to take the meter out of the case, a task which I am sure will not be accomplished, but I'll try it for the next day or so.

I really am just fuming at this and I am trying to determine why. Is it because of the larger vial and thus the larger case, yes...

But at the root of it is that this new design for the meter that accommodates my pump which revolutionized my diabetes management is discouraging me from testing. For the last 19 months I was finally able to do what took me 12 years to accomplish - testing freely, openly, many many times a day. I did that when I was first diagnosed and for the first few years but then, around the age of 12 or 13 I just stopped testing as often as I knew I should. Maybe it was that damn adolescent time, probably it was my way of acting out with out anyone but me and my doctor knowing. But it was a hard hurtle for me to leap to test as often as I have been since I got the pump. This change is reminding me of why I didn't like to test all those years, it was inconvenient. That wasn't the only reason I know, but it was a part of it. And I don't want to be in that place again of not testing, not wanting to test.

There it is in a rather large nutshell. It discourages me from testing. Now I just need to figure out how to get over it...

Inspiring Massachusetts!

2007-06-13T09:23:00.000-05:00

Whew! The last week, no more like two, have just been crazy!! First there was Taylor's wedding which took a lot of time and energy. Then we went to Massachusetts last week for a mini vacation and another wedding. We had so much fun and saw so much! I have to say that Massachusetts is a very green place, not that MN isn't but our green is a yellow-green or medium green but in MA it was vibrant green all over and there were so many sights and trees everywhere!

There were two things, okay many more, but the two things that really stand out this very second were seeing the sun rise at Winter Island Park in Salem, MA and seeing the grave of Sam Adams (gasp!). There were many graves that we saw while in Salem and in Boston, but Sam Adams' resting site really hit me hard. A founding father of our country, organizer of the Boston Tea Party, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, and so much more. I can't even begin to speak about Sam Adams there is just too much, and I was never good at history (although I would like to think I am getting better at understanding and remembering it now versus when I was in high school...).

I can say that seeing his grave has sparked a new interest in me to revisit American history which I was never interested in before; I knew to appreciate it and honor our historical background because it gives us what we have today - our freedom, our nation, our life and all the opportunity one can dream of! Also, our next National holiday is approaching and it only seems appropriate to recollect on such things.

So, in an odd tangent away from diabetes, wow to Sam Adams and all our founding fathers. Thank you Boston and Salem! And man! was it inspiring and fun to visit!!

How did that happen?!?

2007-06-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

I was at the wedding reception until about 11PM Friday night. I had a slight low of 72 with great tiredness around 9PM and treated it with regular root beer then nibbled on M&Ms the rest of the night before going home. I didn't test after treating the low, figuring that about 6 ounces of regular soda would cover it, and I didn't test before I went to bed at 12:30. Man, I was just super tired and exhausted and hadn't drank (but for a glass of wine for the toast) so I wasn't worried about my sugar dropping low again.

I should have known better when I woke up at 5AM needing to use the bathroom. As I opened my bedroom door I was physically startled by all the people in my living room and the photographers from the wedding were waiting for me to rise and open a new roll of toilet paper.

- click- click- click -

"Just act like we aren't here!" exclaimed photographer A as I stumbled, confused, into my bathroom.

Okay, I guess its always fun to have a sun rise shot of the maid of honor, in her PJs, opening a new roll of toilet paper for a wedding album. I think to myself. Wait...that makes NO SENSE.

I finish going to the bathroom and slowly open the bathroom door and again its as though the wedding reception was continuing in my living room. It isn't even my wedding!

Now I am getting scared. I stumble over to the sofa in my living room and sit down looking out the window at the rising sun. Its so pretty, I think to myself, I would want sunrise pictures in my wedding album. But Taylor wouldn't, I don't think, so what is going on? I sat there for a few more minutes until the people faded and my living room was vacant. Slowly, I begin to remember that before I awoke to use the bathroom I was dreaming about the wedding. Ahhh, that must have been why I was startled when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't fully awake. And with that conclusion I drifted back to bed.

Jason asks me, "Did you test?"

"Yea it was 138."

But I didn't test. In the dream before going to the bathroom I tested, because at the wedding I tested and it was 138.

An hour and a half later I am having another crazy dream with Jason, Krystle (my sister) trying to figure out what was wrong with me and Nick (Krystle's future fiance) coming downstairs to see whats wrong.

"Amber's having a seizure" she says.

Nick leaves.

Its all a dream, I think, its all a bad dream.

Jason and Krystle are trying to find my meter and get the test strips. The code is different on the meter than the test strip vial.

"Amber how do you change the code?"

It's really easy guys,"Use the arrows." I think or say or a combination of both (I later was told I only said what I put in quotes).

They figured out the code, and were ready to test my glucose. She asks me what finger I want them to use. I don't respond so she takes my ring finger from my left hand, it used to be the only finger I tested with until recently. As she readies the poker I tell her, "No," and switch to the new testing finger, my middle finger, on my left hand. I don't remember that part but I do remember the reading - 63.

Jeeze guys, thats fine! Just get me some juice. What was all the big fuss about?

Then something becomes more real to me.

"What just happened?"

"You had a seizure. We gave you Glucagon."

Krystle is reading the long instructions from the glucagon kit frantically and talking aloud about how she isn't sure if I am supposed to go to the ER or not; Jason looks a little irritated but calmer than he was in my crazy dream.

"It says she needs something with actual carbs in it so she doesn't drop low again." Krystle says then shes gone and what feels like a moment later she is handing me a glass of chocolate milk telling me, "Drink."

I don't remember getting the shot but I remember parts, why do I remember parts? Why isn't my tongue all bitten and swollen? How did that happen? None of it makes sense.

I am still very confused and conflicted about last Saturday morning. I have no idea how it happened. I can see where I made mistakes - not testing before bed, not testing when I got up at 5AM. But I still don't understand. I also don't understand why it didn't even occur to me to check my glucose when I went to the bathroom. Usually anytime I am woken up to use the bathroom I at least think of testing if not actually test for fear of something being wrong. But this time it never entered my mind. I don't know why I physically reacted to what I thought was my dream coming to life.

I don't know and its just so frightening.

Sigh...

On a MUCH lighter note I am in Salem, MA today and tomorrow and am just psyched!! More about that later!

A great weekend!!

2007-06-03T22:56:00.000-05:00

I got to meet some of my fellow bloggers tonight!

Thank you Scott, Sara, Molly (and Dixie) for sharing the evening with me and swapping diabetic stories!

It was really cool to meet the authors of some of the blogs I like to read. I only feel sooooo bad about stepping on Dixie's tail! :( So sorry about that! Usually I am good about avoiding animals and not stepping on them; the thrill of meeting everyone in person must have distracted me too much.

Taylor's wedding went by so quickly and the day was wonderful and exhausting, pictures to follow. I had a bad low the following morning though that I plan to elaborate on later, I am still trying to work through it myself.

But otherwise this weekend was a total blast!!

Lets do another MN gathering for those who couldn't make it this time, I'm all for it! Oddly enough I haven't met many fellow diabetics and would love the chance to meet more. I think meeting Molly, Sara, and Scott doubled the number of T1 diabetics I have met in person to date. Okay, that isn't entirly true but this is the first time where I have actually felt like I know and will continue to know the peole I met (I went to Camp Needlepoint a looooong time ago but didn't make any D friends that I am still in touch with, or that I even cared to continue to know outside of camp...).

I have a question that I intended to ask the OC group tonight but forgot to so I'll toss it out there to the web: as a diabetic what do you do about drinking alcohol? Do you find it easiest to just avoid it all together? Or do you just test like crazy while drinking? At the wedding this past Friday there were many people drinking, and because I didn't want to risk running low and missing out on any part of the event I just avoided drinking. This conclusion got me many a raised eye brow questioning my logic. While I understand my logic, and I am fine with it, I wanted to know what others do about celebrations where alcohol is consumed and some other tactics than always being the sober cab. So, what works for you when consuming alcohol?? Let me know. :D

Size does matter!

2007-05-30T19:32:00.001-05:00

So I usually fill my Rx for BD test strips every 6 - 8 weeks and it was going on about 7 weeks since my last refill and I was running desperately low on test strips. So I called my pharmacy, placed the order and was told they would have it by Tuesday. Yesterday rolls around and I go in, pick up my large bag of test strips briefly wondering why the bag was even bulkier than usual. I shrugged it off. Well, time to start a new vial of test strips and I open my bulky bag taking note that the boxes of test strips are a lot larger now and no longer in the shape of a cube.

Strange, I think but again set this thought aside. That is until I am opening the new BD test strip box and notice that it only says 50 strips instead of 100 like before. And sure enough, instead of 4 cube shaped boxes there are eight rectangular boxes.

Odd, why would they make larger boxes? Then the little red circle catches my eye..."New larger vial!" is printed on the front of the box. My heart sinks then my temperature rises when I am done opening the box.

Are you kidding me?!?!?!!

Not only is the vial larger, its triple the size of the previous vials! The new vial can hold the old vial inside of it! Look!

Its like a damn pill bottle!! Its HUGE!!!
Okay, I understand, a lot of elderly people and children are using these products and with the old, smaller vial people couldn't get their fingers inside to get the strip out; I remember thinking that too when I got the meter with the pump in December of 2005. Then I grew to love, absolutely adore the smaller test strip vial because I could easily carry an extra one with me in my purse, gym bag, pocket wherever, with no worry of how much space its taking up. I became to appreciate that my test strips were more discrete like my pump and not taking injections. Not anymore!

I am sure this is for the best of most patients who use BD meters and the MiniMed Paradigm meter, but I am still displeased by the change. I mean...Its obnoxiously big now. It doesn't fit the old case that my meter was in, the case is designed for the smaller vial (notice the obscene vial above and blocking where the strip needs to go for a fresh test and sample).

Fortunately, BD foresaw this problem and are shipping me a new meter case and 50 free strips in the new, insanely large vial. I'm thinking that with a larger vial is an even larger case...I may need a new purse, my current purse barely fits all my "purse" and diabetes things!

I'll just stash my meter in my adult diaper bag with my granny panties, thank you! Who needs a normal sized purse when you have diabetes? Sheesh...

Can I have a new report card please?

2007-05-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

I am tired today, not necessarily of diabetes but just in general. Over the last year after my A1c was more "normal" than it had been in over 9 years, I started noticing a new trend with symptoms of high glucose: I can't fall asleep if my sugar is too high or don't sleep nearly as well. Does anyone else have highs keeping them oddly awake or preventing a good sleep? Well, I am assuming that because I have better control over my glucose and a better A1c than I did for most of my adolescent and early twenties years that this is the only reason I am noticing this now (greeaaaat) .

For some odd reason it is very easy for me to let my sugars run too high or higher than ideal while I am asleep. I can't even remember the last time I actually woke up in the middle of the night just to test my glucose, and I only test it late if I happen to be awake which usually means I am out drinking with friends or I'm awake because it is high.

The latter explanation is why I am tired today. This week (or month) I have been slacking on tight glucose control before and during bed and now I am tired from letting my glucose sit around 200 for long enough to prevent a normal bed time last night. Since it was 1 am I decided to confirm the high and sure enough - 207. I was awake another hour when I finally just resisted the urge to fidget and forced my self to lie down in bed and breathe deeply. For fun I gave myself a quick bolus of 1 unit hoping it would help me fall asleep sooner.

Sigh. I don't know why I do that; I am good about testing when I wake up, before I eat, when I am out, before I drive but its as though once 9 or 10 PM rolls around my mind and body resist doing what I know I need to do and I slack.

One "good" thing came out of my high-insomnia last night: I uploaded my meters and pump to the MiniMed CareLink site for the first time since...oh far too long! And rediscovered just how fun it is to be able to run all those reports about trends or daily carb use, or pretty much anything you can think of it can generate, I mean its really cool! In all my excitement I sent an email to my doctor to let him know that I finally did it and asked if he wanted me to print certain reports for my appointment next week or what he preferred. He responded this morning with what to do and then the last line of his email was "Your A1c was 6.9 - FYI" ( I had gone in for the blood work last week for my appointment with my Endo next week).

I am pleased with this result but a little disheartened because it is up a small bit from last February and I bet its because of the night time highs and my unmotivated attempts to fix/control/prevent them.

I'll tell you what it is about this most recent A1c result - its a damn grade, and because I did better on the same "test" three months ago I feel as though I failed it this time. So silly, I know. But its true. I will admit I thought it was a little higher from noticing the increased restless nights since February but I also hoped that I was wrong.

I am glad to hear this today versus next Thursday and be bummed about it the entire day and the following day, which just won't do because its Taylor's rehearsal dinner and wedding next Thursday and Friday; I wouldn't want the damn grade ruin it for me, so there is a positive about that last sentence of his email.

So, one week until the actual Endo appointment where I am sure we will talk of the lack of bed time testing, the rehearsal dinner, and Taylor's wedding!! No matter how tired I am, I am not too tired for enthusiasm about that!!

Catching Up

2007-05-20T15:10:00.000-05:00

Its been a long time since my last post, I know. I am not sure why, or rather there are a lot of excuses why but I don't think they are worth regurgitating here. Needless to say, its been a while. BUT man has a lot been going on!

So Jason and I have been better lately and we went on a weekend trip to Chicago the last weekend in April. That was fun, I had only been to Chicago once before when I was 16 so it was a nice chance to revisit it as an "adult". We were mainly around Andersonville, Lakeville and Wicker Park while there. Its very ... classic urban. I think of the Grand area in MN only more crowded! On Sunday we walked over to Lake Michigan from Chris and Amber's (Jason's friends who we went to visit) apartment and walked out on to a little pier.

Seeing the expanse of Lake Michigan was very refreshing and made me want to see Lake Superior again. In fact it makes me want to visit all of our Great Lakes!

Its a little sad to think that I have only seen two of the five Great Lakes. That amazing Discovery Channel mini-series, Planet Earth, has consumed me and made me aware of how little I have seen, and of all the amazing things to see on our planet the most accessible are the Great Lakes. So, that's a new little wish of mine, to see the great lakes before I turn ... 30. That seems do-able, no?

Then this month has been consumed with Mothers Day, helping my sister watch the boys while she studied for her finals, and helping Taylor with the preparation for her wedding on June first (scream!). Taylor is my best friend who I have known for going on twelve years (since 7th grade) and she is getting married. There was a lot of drama around this wedding initially but I think it is now smoothing out. Let me tell you, before Taylor's wedding I had never helped anyone with wedding planning and I kind of like it. It seems so fun! As a little girl I think I was one of the few who never thought of her wedding and what it would be like. I only started doing that this year while helping Taylor with hers so this a whole new world to me.

There are a lot of people getting married! The weekend after Taylor's wedding Jason's other close friend, Luke, is getting married and we are flying out to Boston (YAY!!!) for his wedding. I am PSYCHED for that trip; I have had a long distance love affair with Boston since I was a little girl. I think it was from doing a very long report on the Boston Tea-Party in the second grade that did it for me. That and being a historic city on the East Coast I think did it for me long ago and now I get to see it! We are flying out Wednesday the 6th of June and returning Monday June 11th so we can do some touring and sight seeing before and after Luke and Jennifer's wedding. As much as I am thrilled to be visiting Boston, I am more excited to see the ocean. If anyone has some suggestions for where good sites are in the Boston area please send them over, because neither Jason or I really know where to go (aside from the things listed in tourist guides but even with those, which place is actually interesting or amazing?).

The only other thing that has consumed my time the last four weeks is the fact that my car needs the head gasket replaced along with a few other things and now I need a second job to pay for the repairs. But I will be doing that search once the weddings are over with.

And about my diabetes? It has been well. I had blood work yesterday for my three month check up, and my thyroid because last February I guess my thyroid tested a little off, and I am meeting with my doctor May 31st. I feel good about my diabetes lately although, anytime I am mildly more active in my day my blood sugar drops so fast!

Like last night, Jason and I were organizing the downstairs in the town home ("my" area) and after re-arranging and cleaning for a couple hours by blood sugar dropped to 54! I wasn't even doing much just walking around and putting things away and moving furniture (which wasn't difficult at all) and man it just hit me. The only way I knew something was wrong was I had a pounding headache and one minute later was unable to decide what hanger to use for a tee shirt or if I should just fold it and put it in the dresser, not a big deal either way, and that was the sign that something wasn't right. I couldn't decide what to do with a shirt, sorta funny, sorta sad. Also our time in Chicago reminded me of this too because we did a lot of casual walking, and I didn't think it would effect my sugar but it did.

When I think of activities that lower my blood sugar I think of a strenuous walk, dancing, exercising, or lifting a lot of heavy items, but I don't think of those little things like just being on your feet for hours at a time. Good thing I learned this now versus the day of Taylor's wedding! Now I know that I should lower my basal rate for those busy "on your feet" days as I am sure that is bound to be one.

There it is in a nut shell. I am trying to take more time to blog more frequently although with the next three weeks being so jam-packed and then probably working an additional 20 - 25 hours each week after returning from Boston...all I can say is I'm going to try. I still read other peoples blogs because being in a call center that is one thing to do between calls but I can't easily post a blog of my own while at work. And again, if any of you know good, cheap, places to visit in Boston or good sites to view the ocean please let me know!!

Figure it out 'til we get it right...

2007-04-19T22:16:00.000-05:00

Spring has returned to Minnesota! Or so it seems... ;)

So my diabetes is doing good but for some odd fasting results mid-mornings. Let me tell you I am not a morning person, not even close. Luckily I don't ever have to be to work before 9am but I still have a varied start time due to the position I have in the call center. There I can start anywhere from 9am or as late as 1pm and be scheduled for 9 hours with an hour lunch (love that lunch, it keeps me sane!). Even having my shifts start at 9 or later though, I still don't find time for breakfast. The late start is mainly to ensure I get enough sleep (I tend to go to bed late).

This is a good and a bad thing, but for the time being I am saying its good and using it to try and ensure my morning basal rates are set correctly. Well, the rates seem to be great for when I am in bed and asleep. I guess that is just fine for the dawn effect, but the time after I get up but before noon concerns me. I seem to run a little low after the higher basal rate drops back down to my normal rate. My tests in the hours from 9 - noon are running as low as 53 and all the way up to 69. I know, such a range! It isn't from bolusing too much, because I am not eating until noon or later it seems, and my pump is at the normal rate starting at 7:00am.

That I think is the error. The dawn effect increased basal should probably stop before 7am, so I pushed it back to 5:30am and gave a little more than the normal from 5:30 - 7, just in case. We'll see how that turns out.

"How did my increased basal end up returning to normal so late?" I asked myself, and I think it was when MiniMed replaced my pump last month and I reset my settings myself. I am sure I set it incorrectly then, and since these lows aren't waking me up I didn't notice until I started testing the minute I woke up instead of when I finally sat down to eat or drink something.

"Oh, thats right," that little voice inside my head chimes in, "I changed it to last until 7 am because I wasn't getting up to exercise and before, when I was getting up, I had it end at 5." Niiice Amber...

Guess thats a sign I should start exercising again...or stop meddling with my basal rates.

Ha, fat chance!

A Negative Day

2007-04-07T13:51:00.000-05:00

Today, I hate everything about diabetes. I hate the way it makes me sleep in when my blood sugar is high, I hate the way I am a little crabby the rest of the day from a high blood sugar. I hate that in order to feel as though I have any control over my life I have to use that damned glucometer multiple times a day to answer the ever changing question of how is my diabetes now?

I hate the way I am attached to a damn device 24/7. I hate that the cord on my pump is just a few inches too short for me to be able to navigate comfortably in my shower with out having a little tug at my stomach to warn me I'm at the end of my leash. Yes, I know I don't have to wear it in the shower, but I found that when ever I take my pump off for showering my sugars skyrocket an hour later. That happens even when I am exercising and I suspend the pump, an hour later its through the roof, whats with that?!? I learned that I really cant leave the pump on during my work out but Sarah's blog on starting it again before the end of a workout is a good idea that I also tried, but only once, and that time it was still high just not as high, only the low 200's. WTF?!?!

I hate that it seems like diabetes is the only thing I can somewhat "master" and it isn't what I want to master! I want to go back to school, but I've learned that in order for me to be in school diabetes needs to be in control, good control, and I need to be ready to handle the extra stress of caring for it, working, and taking classes.

I hate that I feel powerless by this damn disease. I hate that it feels like no one in my circle of friends and family understands.

Sigh, breathe deeply.

I just don't like it today. I don't. It makes me want to not test my blood sugar all weekend, as long as I can go with out testing provided I feel "okay". It makes me want to cry and stop talking, to just shut down. That's what I hate.

Sorry this is negative, I just had to get it out.

Feeling Hurt for a Little While is Acceptable...

2007-03-28T19:14:00.000-05:00

So, the past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. The entire month has been a challenge to stay positive when I really don't want to, but especially the last two weeks.
Let me start by clarifying my last post. Jason. Jason and I have known each other for 7 1/2 years. We met our junior year in high school and lasted through the start of sophomore year in college. We ended up at the same college, Hamline University, which I think may have been a mistake, but this isn't about that. I look back at him and I and there is just so much. I can't think of a non-relative who I have been through more with, including my best friend of 12 years, Taylor. And it seems like after all the joys, all the good and the bad times, that things should just fall into place between him and I. In my mind, and in his, we make sense.

It was October 2002 when we broke up the first time. We didn't date for a while, but we remained friends. There was a brief time in 2004 where we were together, but I lived in Arizona and he was still in MN so it didn't work out. When I moved home from AZ we both agreed that we would take things slow, get to know each other again and form the relationship we thought we could have. Again, it didn't work out; I wasn't ready and I was emotionally drained from my time in AZ (it was a bad time). And that brings me to now, the last 5 months where we have been together again.

...

Thinking of how to describe the past 5 months is a feat. To put it simply its been difficult. I don't understand how two people who want to be together so much can find it this hard to sustain a stable relationship. Are we too immature? Are we misleading each other with high expectations, expectations that aren't mentioned and only lead to disappointments? Are we not talking about the right things, or only talking about all the wrong things? What?? I don't know. I just know its very odd, especially when I can remember a time with him when we could talk for hours about anything. When there were no walls preventing the conversation from developing.

After this drunken kiss between him and a co-worker of ours on St. Patty's Day I was terrified. Terrified of what it meant, terrified that we couldn't talk about it, terrified of going into work when I was displeased of my job before this new situation aroused. I was also enraged. I was so mad that at a time where him and I are supposed to be giving our all to become stable he would let a stupid mistake like that happen. I was mad that it took him 5 days to be able to explain it to me, but once he did that anger melted away.

Then came last Friday. We were going to watch a movie at my place after work but my sister booted us out for some alone time with her future fiancee, Nick. Needing to kill two hours but not wanting to drive out to his place (I had to be home on Sat.), I suggested we go to Taylor's house for drinks and a movie with her and her fiancee, Tony. (Man, everyone is getting married!) But, he didn't want to for many reasons (he was tired, his eyes were dry and itchy, he didn't want to be overly social with people he didn't know, yada-yada-yada) and our Saturday evening was to be shared with them too. So, reluctantly I said call off our Friday plans and I'd see him Saturday. After two, two and a half hours maybe, with Taylor and Tony I decided that spending the night with Jason, even just cuddling, was what I wanted. So I trekked over to his place, got there at 1AM when, lo-and-behold, he wasn't there. Of course my thoughts jumped to the worst case scenario, that he was with her, who we can call Jo-Joe (because that makes me smile and isn't her name). I tried to be reasonable and thought he was just at the bar and would be home with in an hour, 90 minutes tops (bars close at 2). I wait, I wait, I doze off, wake up at 3:50AM, still no Jason. Clearly he is not at the bar anymore. By then I was pissed, just seething at the petty excuses he gave to ditch me and go out with someone else. When he did arrive home it was not a good time for either of us. I have a lot of anger towards Jo-Joe now too, which saddens me because I actually liked her before this. I thought I would be most pissed at him, but that isn't proving to be the case. And all through the weekend until last night I was just furious, at everyone and everything. But I finally figured out why.

I am hurt, plain and simple. I am hurt that it feels like he chose this girl over me and my friends (who are getting married in June and I am in the wedding party, I'd like for him to get to know them a little before then), that he stayed out all night with her, that they kissed, or she kissed him or what ever happened but that it happened none the less. That he talks to her so much more than me, that he can't tell me why. I am hurt that I thought she was a budding friend when now it is obvious to me that isn't true. I am hurt at being hurt, again. My hurt is fueling my anger and anger isn't helping.

I am telling myself that being angry all the time is not okay, but feeling hurt for a little while is acceptable.

Lately I also have worried that I always take the easy road out of any situation. I never thought that would be me but I look at the last 4 years and it seems to be true. I don't respect people who take the easy road in life, so I decided that I can't continue to do that anymore. The easiest thing to do right now would be to quit my job and leave Jason for good. But I can't do that, I can't afford to quit my job with out having another lined up, and I know that in a few weeks, or if nothing else at Taylor and Tony's wedding, I would miss him with all my being. And that's the truth, I don't want to leave him. I just don't want to hurt (emotionally) anymore. I think only time will fix that.

That being said, how has all of this affected my diabetes? Well, I also noticed the impactof this on my diabetes last night. I haven't been testing, I haven't been attentive to the alarms on my pump (so that I completely ran out of insulin in the reservoir last night and had to do manual injections through the night because I used my extra supplies the other week and didn't replenish my pump stock in the car, and I was away from home, again) and then I even managed to loose my meter completely yesterday! Its still MIA...thank God for back-up meters!

So, yea, I know. Baaaad Amber for not testing, not changing out the reservoir before it was completely empty, for loosing my meter and only discovering it really was MIA this morning when I got to work, for all the things I let get to me and let my focus from diabetes slip, baaaad...

How do people do it? How do you have an emotional month and still stay on top of diabetes? How do even continue to want to care for it when, damn-it, everything just blows?

sigh, well, at least the babies make me smile, and make the day brighter. My Darlin' nephews!! Devin and Levi, in that order.

Teetering on the brink

2007-03-22T08:06:00.000-05:00

I started a blog to be able to help myself get back into writing. But I think I may have realized why that in it self is a problem. I don't like my words. I don't like the thoughts in my head, I don't enjoy my emotions.

The shit has hit the fan with Jason and I. Its a long story. Jason has been my on again, off again, boyfriend. We had initially started dating in high school and the first year of college, but I messed up and we ended things. By messed up I mean I cheated on him. I know that is terrible. I understood my actions and I did not expect forgiveness from him. After a while he did forgive me though, somehow. I don't understand how or why, he hasn't ever really explained it. Well now, after 4 years from our first break up, the tables are turned. He only kissed some other chick (who I happen to sit two cubicles away from). But its shredded our relationship. Its shredded me. I have wanted to quit my job, walk out of my job, drive off a bridge or into on-going traffic, stop my pump, move to Africa, anything to get away from him and her.

But if I want to get away then why is it I looked at my phone every hour last night to see if he had called? Why is it I was grasping it on my drive home, waiting for it to ring. I just went to bed after I got home, knowing that the damn phone wasn't going to ring. Knowing that if I called him it would only turn into another stupid fight.

I am so tired. So tired of feeling so alone and lost in this fucking world. I know there are other people with diabetes and there are other people with depression, and there are other people who have relationship issues, and so many worse things that I haven't had to endure. For what I haven't had to endure I thank God for saving me from that agony. For what I have, I ask for guidance on getting through, because I don't know how to do this alone.

TV and happiness

2007-03-13T23:57:00.000-05:00

So right now I am really excited to see the season finale of Sex and the City that airs on TNT next Tuesday. Oh, I know, I know. I said I would never be one to commit myself to TV a certain day fo the week every week for some stupid show. But I can’t resist this. I watched the episode where Carrie leaves NYC for Paris and the one following about her first week, or so, in Paris, and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the show. I like the styles, the characters, and the fact that I relate to Carrie in many ways (writing, independence, up and down relationships to name a few). So, despite saying I would not be one to watch TV regularly I eagerly await next Tuesday at 9pm Central time.

I am looking forward to it because its free entertainment that makes me think about my life and my dreams and what matters to me. I don’t have to buy it or rent it to watch it, and can watch it in full peace and quiet knowing I am pretty much the only one I know who likes it (who can stay up that “late”). Did I mention its free entertainment?

The truth of the matter is that it’s something to look forward to that doesn’t consume money, or gas, or require food or insulin. With the moods I’ve been in lately, anything to look forward to that is reliable (and hey, TNT has their programming reputation to maintain, the show will air) I latch on to, sink my teeth in and swallow the small flood of momentary happiness I find in the bite, what ever the bait may be.

It’s sad for me to say that. That one of the things I am really looking forward to in a long while is a frickin’ TV show. I was gung-ho about getting a new book, but financial struggles are preventing that. I am realizing that the library will soon become my new best friend to replenish my need for new books. But, a book isn’t much better, is it? Shouldn’t I be looking forward to starting a new day, going to work, seeing my nephews, seeing my friends and Jason? But I don’t. Instead, I dread the first two things and often my friends don’t motivate me enough to bring about the joy of seeing them, instead I think, “Would I need to spend money with them?” or, “How far do I need to drive to meet them? Will I be okay on gas money pending the added travel?” or, “God, I wish for once I don’t have to miss the boys and Krystle, maybe they can come visit me?”. Only rarely do they visit, who wants to spend time with two 6 month old twin boys who you aren’t related to? Rarely do we not spend money either. Of course Devin and Levi always make me smile, but at the end of the day I still feel a little empty. I wonder if I will ever become stable enough to have one of my own someday. It makes me think something is terribly wrong with me…

Do people have to work at happiness? Does it come as easily as breathing for some, while for others feels like a silly fairy tale only found in books and movies? I wonder this a lot during the day, especially while at work. I wonder if my diabetes is part of the reason I am so unhappy. I wonder how many “to-do” lists must I make to attain the happiness I so long for, how much time would it take to complete one list and carry on with another, would completing a list even help? I ask myself, “Don’t I have enough lists with diabetes, work, Jason, bills, loans, the town home, my car, the twins, Taylor’s wedding, church, and my health?” and I can say yes. I do have a lot of to-do lists. They don’t go away. But these lists aren’t the ones making me happy.

Every year I say that I will make the list that will start me on the path towards my happiness. I do make that list too. But rarely is an item completed. An abbreviated version would be one like this.

Amber’s List to finding happiness:
* Finish my degree in an area that I can build a career with that I am passionate about
* Start volunteering with Camp Needlepoint, the Bridge for Runaway Youth, the Humane Society, or a hospital
* Write more
* Read more
* Start learning to swing dance
* Sing more
* Spend more time with family
* Have a stronger relationship with Jason (to help us through those though days)
* Find Hermione

The only thing that can’t be accomplished on this list is the last, finding Hermione. She is my cat, my baby girl, and she got out last September. We haven’t heard anything from the neighborhood and she wasn’t turned in to a shelter or vet because her chip hasn’t been scanned. But I digress…

So, the point? Do more on the list Amber. That little voice in my head whispers softly through my tears, “I know you can do it.”

I know too. I miss you baby girl. Hope you're safe.

Next Tuesday I will be watching Sex and the City. It will be a cheap form of much needed amusement. And as far as other motivational issues, for now, I am taking a deep breath, and resigning to more consistent workouts, more glucose tests, and perhaps a second job to help with the most depressing thing, money.

On Lunch

2007-03-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

So, blogs are fun! I am recently falling in love with reading the blogs that other diabetics post and I am fast getting hooked. Last weekend I was browsing blog posts and found one that started me crying. It was posted by Penny on January 31st 2007.

A mom blogging because her son has type one diabetes. Her post "Because I have to" was the tear jerker ten days ago and still causes my throat to go tight when I read it.
Her devotion sent chills up my back. Her strength in her writing is an inspiration. Thank you Penny.

More later, lunch is over.

Hello self

2007-03-11T23:18:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you were to meet your double, would you like them?
I have had diabetes for 15 years, 4 months, and 4 days (nearing 5 days). I have struggled with depression for at least 7 years, but that was just when it was officially diagnosed so it probably was longer. I have spent only the last year in good control of my diabetes and blood sugars, and decent control the year before that. I have made some terrible academic and relationship mistakes and am trying to sort through the emotional side of the aftermath still. I have lost a cat who I loved dearly. I have loved another dearly and said good bye to them. I think too much its almost irritating. I hope for the best and offer the benefit of the doubt to most people.
And after agonizing far too long over which thought to share and type, I have thought myself into tiredness. HA.
Its been a while since I've done this. Bear with me and (I hope) soon I will be more at ease with blogging.
So, for now, good night.