My imaginary fiction

I am finishing up a medical terminology online course right now and I did something I am not sure I am comfortable with.

I shared that I was type one diabetic.

Is that weird that I felt REALLY uncomfortable typing that in one of the discussions? I feared what they would think. That they would automatically assume my reaction to the "Why would a 14 year old with T1 skip their injections?" discussion was biased (okay it may have been, but really who knows better than one who has lived with it??). And I avoided sharing that I have T1 diabetes as long as possible for the same reason, that my views would be discredited because I live with a chronic condition and therefore am to close to see the situation clearly. Which led me to ask, "Am I?"

I do a lot of things and believe a lot of things because I have type one diabetes. I support stem cell research (in general, conducted in a moral way) because I want the chance to find a cure. I am more conscientious of what I eat because of what the food can do to my blood sugar. I am intensely interested in endocrinology because of diabetes. I have a profound respect for doctors and nurses. I empathize with kids diagnosed with any condition. And these last four things are where things get fuzzy, is that because of me or because of the me I am due to diabetes. They are so hard to separate!

So when it comes to health care and opinions, I ask and worry, "Am I too close to my own disease to be able to work in the field?" Which then leads to the question, "How do I ensure my diabetes isn't what is seen instead of myself?"

Its very different sharing my disease with someone sitting across from me than sharing it with an unknown class of "someones". Even face to face there are so many misconceptions about diabetes. I know I just need to breathe, relax and realize that in the end its OK I shared my disease with the students in the course. Not everyone imposes judgements, and in fact, most of these students are going into nursing for the very same reasons I am, to make a difference, to help others.

I still feel exposed. I guess that's something I will have to become more comfortable with, sharing this with peers in or going into health care. Slowly, one breath at a time.


Silent all these ... Months

So there has been a lot going on and blogging went to the wayside, but I've been itching to write again and what better a time than on a gray, thunderstorm day in MN when summer should be in full swing!?!

(outside of Caribou Coffee on Lexington in Roseville; the thunderstorm was not in full swing when I took this and no, neither car is mine, I am not sure whose they are)

Yes, it is raining here in MN and I have to say, quickly, that I adore thunderstorms! While driving in them is never fun everything else is: watching them, running in them, trying to stay dry when there is no chance in hell you can, seeing the lightening and counting the seconds for the thunder FUN FUN FUN. Whew, okay, now that thunderstorm love is out of my system...

So the spring semester ended 3 weeks ago. It took a lot of studying and relaxing but I finally did something I have never done before - working full time and all As in my courses. I was ecstatic when I saw my final grade in anatomy & physiology and a smile was on my face...well even now!

After the end of spring semester I had a week off before summer started, which I used to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Ugg! I hope to avoid getting a tooth pulled ever again. I am still suffering from "tooth" aches during the healing process and can't wait for the sockets to be fully healed. I had a bad time with the oral surgeon for a time after the teeth were pulled but now that its done I am pleased that I will never have to see him again and good riddance!

There have been a lot things that I wanted to blog about but never got to so this is going to be a purge of all those things. Last March I had my A1c tested again, and it wasn't as good as it was in December. After spending all of 2007 with an A1c under 7 it jumped back up in March to 7.3 and I was disappointed but prepared for that as the first three months of the year were so packed with work, school and training to be a CNA. Since then though I noticed I didn't want to tell anyone, didn't want to update my profile on TuDiabetes with my new number, didn't want to talk about it.

I find it interesting how one small change can take all my hard work and make it feel pointless. I was disappointed that I couldn't keep my A1c under 7 during times of stress and upset to think that maybe I need to accept that when things are super scheduled for me diabetes control will be harder to keep in check. At the end of this month I have another A1c lab scheduled and I have that same feeling, its going to be in the 7s floating higher than I want it to be. A lot of times I take results to heart more than I should, and I know this yet I still let a relatively "good" A1c drag me down. I start doubting my self and my abilities with care and then it spills over to other things like when I see that pile of books still in my back seat and taunting me daily that I never put them away, is this a trend in my life that I am uncontrolled and unorganized in general, like my A1c results say? Why is it that for me an A1c result that isn't under 7 makes me a "bad" person? And am I the only one who thinks these things about their diabetes control also determining the person they are?

I spent so many years away from diabetes. Not the disease but the act of caring for it, keeping it in the foreground vs. the background, talking about it, sharing it, hearing other people's stories about it; now I've done a 180 where, if not daily then at least once or twice a week I need to get my fill. To see where other people are at, read over the blogs of people going through exactly what I go through and feel more sane, see that I am not the only one, and I think for that brief moment, "Its OK, we all get upset at our control, even if its really good. There are always frustrations."

And then I pause. Stop. Think again.

There are always frustrations. There are always frustrations. Don't diabetics have a right to live a day with out frustrations? Don't I deserve a day with out frustrations, with out stereotypes about my life style, age, height and weight, the constant check list of diabetes related concerns that can come up? I can't imagine it. I can't. I know that things go smoothly with diabetes from personal experience and of course other people blogging about it. But what if? What if?

Lately I have been asking these questions and getting the strong desire to help, to make a difference in type one diabetes care, to help kids, start a MN support group, create a commercial about diabetes and our needs and rights to research that could potentially give us a cure. SOMETHING. I even have a song picked out and ideas of the scripting that would be used and the images displayed to reach out to other diabetics and to encourage people to know about diabetes and care about finding a cure, raising the funds needed for research. But I have been very motivated in my mind and less motivated in action. And that's OK. It isn't as though I am sitting around not doing anything. I just want to find a way to do more but not overwhelm my self as I must get through school.

So, I am looking at changing careers hoping to find a part time or 3/4 time CNA job in a hospital. I am thinking of how I can create this "commercial" (which in reality would be just a little video clip that me and some friends edit) in time for next years Raise Your Voice for Type One Diabetes awareness day. I have a few friends who are more savvy with computers and videos than I am, but I don't know much about rights and if I can use the song I want to use for a personal video that I put on my blog or YouTube or how that works. And that just leaves a support group. I know everyone is busy but if anyone in MN wants to do a MN meet & greet for bloggers or just people with diabetes looking for support I am all for it. Email me, leave a comment if you know of such a group, or if you are interested in setting up anything let me know; I'm willing to help.

That's about it for now. Summer session is in full swing. I am taking an online course through the rest of this month, medical terminology. And in July I start physical geography and medical dosages. If I do well in these classes all the more chance I have of getting accepted into the nursing program next Fall or Spring.

I am serious about the meet and greet idea too, so let me know! I may not be that up on posting blogs but I am all about events so bring on the ideas and lets plan something!